A NEW type of PAIN

As a young child, going to the dentist is something that did NOT happen. We lived in the country, money was hard to come by and visiting the dentist was on the low list of important things to do. I did not see a dentist until in my early teens and a cavity had finally demanded to be taken care of. It was not fun, but the tooth was fixed and finally as I reached my early twenties, the adult person in me understood the need for taking care of my teeth. Both of my parents lost all their teeth and had to wear dentures. It was hard to see that and my mind was determined to not allow that to happen to me.

So many years later, I find myself back at the dentist office, and the news is NOT good. My teeth are needing major attention because years of grinding them down to almost nothing had brought me a brand new set of major problems. Trust me when I say that I have complained all the way through this process and today...well, today was the BIG day in which my dentist began FOUR of the EIGHT crowns that must be done in order to save my upper teeth. 

I was blessed to find a wonderful, caring, compassionate dentist who also has an amazing sense of humor and yet is very respectful of the Chronic Pain I deal with and knows that any additional Pain he adds to my plate will make life more challenging and difficult for me. He did warn me the pain after the procedure would be ROUGH!

Guess what! He was RIGHT! Oh, my goodness, this has hurt beyond anything I could have dreamed about. Sometimes we try to predict what our Pain will feel like but there is no way to do that. You simply have to wait and let it arrive. My husband has been NURSE WONDER today and taken great care of me but we both have realized this is something that has to run its course before I can feel human again.

I also got through this day by the power of many, many PRAYERS being said for me. People who know me promised to pray and I did feel those prayers as I sat in the chair and got through this rough siege of dental work. Now I must heal, go back in a few weeks and get permanent crowns put on, then heal again and go back for another round of FOUR more crowns on other upper teeth. One thing is for sure, I will never NEGLECT my teeth again ever, and something tells me this will remind me to try cutting down on GRINDING my teeth when stressed.

A dear Sister/Friend knocked at our door today right after I got home and brought me a lovely bouquet of flowers that she had picked at a local grower in our area! That moment was my JOY for this hard day, and they will continue to be a reminder of her caring love and will help me smile more each day.

 
Motto for the day: PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH.  Keep smiling and say one prayer for me as I promise to say one for you. Never give up the battle of PAIN. Never.  It's worth the fight, no matter what.

Pain has a its own Mind about everything

It's been a while since I have felt like blogging. That's because PAIN seems to have taken over lately and driven me to concentrate HARD on the battle. It's one thing to deal daily with Chronic Pain...you do learn the system and follow the RULES that PAIN has. Coping with Pain is a 24-hours-a-day job, and it seems you never get a break of any sort. Instead, you must make your OWN ways of being able to still enjoy doing even the most simple things.

As the years have gone by in my journey of fighting this Pain, so many things that I once really enjoyed doing have demanded that I give them up so that my Pain is not increased due to me mowing the yard, working hard outside on flower beds, or climbing a ladder and painting. Yes, as I even typed the word LADDER, my own sense of reasoning can NOW stop and think, "Now what the heck am I doing climbing up a ladder after having already fallen out of a tree?" Stupid on my part but ladders and painting were things I enjoyed doing, too. So I gave the ladder up but still had this silly idea that standing in a chair would do no harm. At least I could still do some version of painting but stay away from pesky ladders. My dear husband finally brought the CHAIR issue to light and challenged my reasoning process as to how I could validate my ability to STAND in a chair and NOT think there would be any chance at all of taking a fall. He further reminded me that IF I were to fall from a CHAIR, and God forbid, break a HIP, my only NEW chair would be a wheelchair because my body will not allow for a hip replacement and would reject the implant with me very possibly becoming seriously ill if this were to ever happen.

I got MAD at him, the damn chair, the TREE, ME for climbing the tree–and most of all–I got MAD at the PAIN. This Pain that seems to have robbed me of so MANY things I enjoyed doing. Now here I faced the honest HARD truth of having to either be brutally honest with myself  and let the chair go to or simply keep playing a Cat and Mouse game or sorts, just hoping I would BEAT the odds and never fall out of a chair.

As my loving husband stood there and faced me with this hard truth, beyond his frustration I saw this amazing DEEP LOVE for me and his FEARS of what might happen if I did not give up standing in a chair. Sometimes we MUST really challenge the ones we love the MOST with the sobering reality of life as it REALLY is now. For me, that means the CHAIR now had to be added as a MUST NOT DO ITEM for Martha! 

Yes, I pouted for a while, and yet while being angry, started to COUNT my blessings instead of sitting here and only looking at the NEGATIVES. It did not take me long to realize how silly I was being about items or things that I once considered so important in my life. God has blessed me with the BEST gift of all: my dear husband who had the fortitude to finally take the bull by the horns, as they say, and put the issue squarely in my line of view. He did NOT make the decision for me, but instead I acted like the adult and made it for MYSELF. So although the past couple of weeks have been pretty rough emotionally, there is truly a joyful light at the end of the tunnel. I can still walk, and yes, I can STILL battle against the Chronic Pain that will always be a challenge in my daily life. My joy moment came after having stood by my husband as we painted on a wall of our house together and to turn toward each other and say almost in unison,"I really don't LIKE to do this anymore!"

Please keep me in your prayers because I am preparing to face some TOUGH dental work that is NOT going to be easy. I thank you for the prayers and know you are ALL in my daily prayers, too.

Trigger Point Injections, up close and personal

Recently, my wonderful Pain Management doctor told me about how easily I tend to "walk the line" when it comes to being given medication for my injections and that encouraged me to be BRAVE enough to have the injections without heavier medicines. Well, I did it! As they say, guess I grew up, sort of, and faced these injections head on. Of course, I did ask my doctor for a HUG to let her know my fears were right there at the surface and waiting to send me running out of her office!

She assured me that I could do it. Obviously, my doctor knew me much better than I did. I said a deep Prayer and forged ahead. There was a lot of deep relaxing breathing on my part and a true, gentle, caring touch of my doctor. She respected my fears and helped me through this. If anyone would have told me I could do this, well, I would never have believed it possible. But as we reach down deep inside ourselves and pull out that extra bit of inner strength, it's quite amazing what we can manage to walk through to get Pain relief! 

There will still be times in the future when I will need more in-depth injections, and I know my doctor will handle that in the manner needed. I am truly blessed and know this is not always the case, to have such a wonderful doctor. Please keep fighting this PAIN battle and do not allow it any further power. 

After all, once I get over the soreness of these injections, I have some walking to start because somewhere out there, I am dreaming of a DANCE with my dear husband, twirling me around the floor! It's my dream that might take a LONG time to reach, but one step at a time will slowly help me to get there. 

Keep looking for a second of JOY in your own daily journey with PAIN and treasure those seconds.  This is my continued prayer for all who are Dancing with Pain.

Pain dancing around me all the time

PAIN seems to have formed a dance of sorts with me. As I wake each morning, it's right there, waiting for my feet to hit the floor, telling me, "Time for another PAIN twirl around the floor today!" I know there aren't too many options of even temporary relief out there for me because my insurance is telling me that I am limited to just a certain number of pain injections each year. It continues to blow my mind as to how these people can become GOD without knowing ME. They just sit in some faraway office and casually read my case. They've NEVER WALKED THE SHOES OF CHRONIC PAIN. I suppose it is easier for that sort of detachment. They don't have to see the faces of REAL people who are suffering this Dance with PAIN. So I accept this cursing with frustration but knowing that I can choose to either stay Angry or get on with the GIFT of life that I am given each day, no matter how HARD my Dance is at times.

Dancing was a real JOY for me at one time before the fall from the tree. But now it's an almost impossible task to attempt. By the grace of God, though, I am seeing EXAMPLES of TRUE GRIT. They are a couple we treasure as our neighbors. They've been married for more than 70 years and, believe it or not, they still DANCE! I have never seen them on the dance floor, but I've heard from friends that they can dance younger couples off the floor. Let's see...they BOTH have pacemakers. One also has a 20-year-old HIP replacement still hanging in there to work for him. At the glorious ages of 97 and 93, they are simply CHERISHING each Dance they have together! I tell myself, "Well, if THEY can do it, what's holding ME back"

So I am giving myself a new GOAL: to try and DANCE again with the hope of joyous music playing as my husband gives me a twirl around the dance floor! There will probably need to be a CHAIR waiting for me to catch me, but what a VICTORY I will feel, knowing that PAIN did not keep me completely locked away from something I once cherished. This new dance might only last a few minutes, but I will gladly take even a brief moment of JOY.  It's worth the fight to get there!

Seems like all I do is HURT lately...

It's been a while since I have blogged, and all I can blame it on is PAIN that seems to be wearing extra hard on me lately. I know this sounds like a lame excuse of sorts but until you walk the PAIN journey each day and deal constantly with your body just wrapped in a GRIP that refuses to let you relax and feel normal, only then can you have a true understanding of how hard this fight can be.

Now I have new Pain to deal with–hurting teeth from a ton of needed dental work that I finally knew had to be faced and dealt with. But to have MORE Pain added to my already filled plate, it is a challenge that I am really struggling with. Today I had another visit to my dentist. I gritted my way through it, got home and haven't moved from my bed! Bet this sounds to people like I am being a real baby. Let's face it, it's just DENTAL work. But my body is working so HARD to deal with my daily battle, and now the fight just got a lot harder! These are the times when you should nurture yourself. Do things like rest because your body needs the help in order to continue the battle against PAIN.

Its scary because even the strongest PAIN WARRIORS have their moments of doubt, fear, and total exhaustion. The determination to keep FIGHTING is harder to find, and yet somehow, we do FIND our way through it. I am a ton of emotional stumbles that cause me to RAGE against this enemy that I can't SEE. These are the times when I am brought to my knees in PRAYER, begging for HELP from ABOVE. I am only one person–human in every sense of the word–and there is NO way I can get through each day without HIS help. 

So today as I glared up at my dentist when PAIN was settling in, he gave me such needed words to keep pushing through: "Come on, Martha. YOU can do this, I know it!" My glare instantly became a true, heartfelt SMILE. I NEEDED those words of encouragement, and he knew it. 

Please do not give up the fight. Keep pushing back. My JOY was being able to SMILE today, in spite of PAIN. 

Pain is a DRAG!

When suffering with daily Chronic Pain, there are days that go on and on. Well, you have the picture. I wake up with Pain, and it stays right beside me all day long. Then it begins to BARK louder as evening starts because Nerve Pain seems to increase and is ready to rob a restful night of sleep from me. Without a doubt, I have a determination inside me NOT to lose this battle with PAIN. I feel like the "ROCKY" character in the movies–beat up, worn down, hitting the mat and then getting right back up to take some more PAIN on. 

But fighting back against this unseen foe called PAIN gets so old that lately it's just plain hard to find words to describe how I feel. Obviously, I am back in a rock-hard Pain cycle that will not go away. And so I am headed back to see my Pain Management Doctor because it's obvious that I am in need of those lovely Trigger Point Injections. For me, they are a blessing because they give me a window of Pain freedom, where I can still look around at the world and know–YES–keep fighting back, no matter what!

So when I say that PAIN is a DRAG...well, it IS in every sense of the word. I wake up feeling like somebody ran my body through the SPIN CYCLE. Then I must face the MORNING Pain that's been waiting for me and keep willing my body to PUSH on! Chronic Pain will DRAG the strongest man down to the ground and leave him begging for relief. I saw this firsthand recently when a friend of my dear husband's woke up one morning in AGONY. For unknown reasons, PAIN had arrived at his doorstep, and he wanted this misery to LEAVE his body. He saw me at church, and my heart felt for him as I saw that familiar face of Pain and heard his question: "How long have you been hurting?" I paused because the answer that he was getting ready to hear from me was hard to say: "I have been in Pain for about fifteen years!" His eyes showed nothing but DREAD, and his response was "There is NO way I will make it because SEVEN WEEKS has almost done me in!" As he walked away, I saw how just SEVEN short weeks of Pain had already began to show the DRAG on his body!

Yep, Pain is a DRAG. We don't like it. We beg for it to go away and never come back again. But one thing Pain does NOT know is that people who suffer daily in this battle are TRUE WARRIORS! We might look tired, older, drained, but make NO mistake, we are determined to keep the fight going!
Be PROUD of yourself, no matter what, and always keep looking for that second of JOY!

Learning lessons from a BIRD?

There are daily lessons given to me as I battle against Chronic Pain. Some are like light bulbs going off, showing me something NEW to do in the fight. Others are TOUGH as nails and can leave me with many questions, wondering why this has to be SO hard. But no answer comes.

I have all my battle techniques neatly lined up: What to do when the Pain starts to ROAR. How to keep my emotions in check at social gatherings (and not be looking for a sturdy CHAIR to plop in). And, yes, not to go grocery shopping when my body and mind are NOT up to picking out yogurt or anything!

So how in the world could I possibly learn a lesson about fighting PAIN from a bird?

This is without doubt my favorite season of the year. It's warm enough to sit outside, watch butterflies, birds and flowers, and enjoy a beautiful late evening sunset. We  have lots of REDBIRDS this year, and it's the first time I have given these beautiful creatures much attention. Right now, they're busy, flying around and building nests. (I get the colors  and sexes mixed up–which one's which.) But never could I have been more surprised to learn about how territorial these birds are. My dear husband told me this morning about this strange sound he kept hearing and thought it was a jack-hammer or something. He was shocked to see a REDBIRD furiously beating itself against our car's side mirror! This little bird was fighting what it thought was the ENEMY. It wouldn't stop until the BATTLE had been won with the OTHER bird in the mirror.

I went outside to watch this FIGHT. As it wore on, something began to HIT me about what this little bird was fighting, and I started to relate this to my own Fight with Pain. The bird refused to GIVE UP. All it could see was another REDBIRD coming into its private space and there was NO way that was going to happen! We began to worry the bird might actually break its beak or hurt itself, but that did not seem to concern  this bird. It was ALL about the FIGHT against a foe! 

It hit because as I could see a bit of my OWN battle that I wage each day and my determination to NOT give up and allow PAIN to take ME out of the picture. I saw a determination in this little bird that amazed me and had me laughing as I sat and watched a battle that NOBODY would really win!

I had a great moment of JOY today, all because of one strong little redbird! Keep reaching for your own JOY because we never know HOW it might come our way.