Before my own journey with Chronic Pain began, I never stopped to take a good look at somebody else who was suffering. I'd just mentally "brush" them aside and go about my life filled with joy and happiness. I was still the real me. Of course, that changed when I fell from the tree, and everything as I once knew it to be stopped me cold.
Yesterday was another "heart breaker" moment for me. It happened while I was attending church with my husband, trying to pray while dealing with the horrible Pain that's decided to run me even more into the ground.
Suddenly, the side door to the church opened. Looking up, I saw an older gentleman who attends services as often as possible. He has his own routine of getting inside the church. First, he moves his walker past the door. Then he moves the walker again so he can still hold on and reach to close the door. His movements are slow and deliberate, as if he were holding a piece of delicate china that he doesn't to break. Obviously, his body was in agony, due to the careful way he moves and a look of firm determination that's always locked on his face. He has just one goal: to make it inside that church without falling or causing anybody to worry about him.
As I watched this silent Dance of Pain, my heart filled with shame because I'd been so consumed with my own aching body. Seeing him, I realized I was learning a lesson about silent suffering and dignity. The man's next movement surely brought him Pain that would do the strongest person in. Carefully, he folded his walker, drew a deep long breath of needed air, and began to slowly kneel in prayer. I could not take my eyes from him! My heart pounded as I compared the Physical Pain I feel when kneeling to pray and realized there was no comparison to be made. Something told me that I was not even close to his league of Pain.
Yesterday, that man taught me about grace and faith. He showed me how to have the courage to pull myself past Chronic Pain, how to not care if the world sees my intense struggles. He showed me how he comes and prays for strength and courage to help him get through each day. He always has a gentle smile on his face. He's always determined not to let people know just how hard each day must be for him. Yet there he is, pushing beyond the wicked enemy, Chronic Pain. He doesn't allow it to keep him away from his church.
The service ended. With his walker before him, the man made another quiet exit from the building. I sensed that the hour had been a moment of Joy in his day. For me, Pain had already taken me out for the count. Once we left the church, I headed straight to the nearest emergency room to seek relief from the snake of Pain that would not let go of my body. As I lay on the table, waiting for medication to help ease me out of my misery, the image of this old gentleman was fixed in my heart. I prayed that, as time moves on, I will continue to learn lessons from others who suffer the same battle as myself.
It's not easy to look away from our own Pain battle. But when we do, the lessons that are right in front of us are so amazing! Maybe the day will come when I can summon the courage to ask this dear man "How do you manage to get through each day?" Something tells me that his answer will be simple: Just look UP, and all the help you will ever need is there.
My joy on this day might sound a bit strange, but it came as I watched my dear husband enjoying a football game on TV as he sat by my bed in the emergency room. The only thing missing was some popcorn!
You are all in my prayers. Keep finding your own way through the battle of Chronic Pain.
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