Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Lows of Pain~~

I hear people comment "Well there is No way I  could live with Pain like you do-just don't know how you do it!"  Guess what--I don't know the Answer to that comment, and each time I hear it, my brain reaches fast for a flippant answer~~~~

"Oh its a piece of Cake to do this--I have it mastered" as I see people looking away, knowing they have heard the "EDGE' in my voice--and a Nerve has been touched.  Nobody wants to constantly hear about nights of no sleep, Pain clinging to me throughout the day--the tension grows as it feels like a billion ANTS are attacking my feet, leg and butt.  These are the true LOWS of living with Chronic Pain and countless people throughout the world face the same LOW moments of despair .

I had convinced myself there were no Pain issues too big for me to handle---but the past few months have  brought new waves of Pain into my world that take away all of my  bravado and leave me feeling all tied up, as tears flow from sheer exhaustion of the Battle.

Sounds rough, feels worse---all I can do is keep moving as I pray for HIS help.    For all who are in the trenches with your personal battle with Pain, I do hold you close in my Prayers.  A dear friend/Pain told me recently " try to find just one Thing to laugh about each day-just One simple thing!"

God bless all who are in the grips of Physical Pain ..................martha

Monday, June 17, 2013

Chronic Pain binds us together on this day~~~

The conversation starts out with polite exchanges-the  usual 'Hello, how  is everyone doing, sure hope we get Rain soon, and  how about that basketball game last night!"  We quickly settle back in our chair, waiting for a voice to call our number out~~ #67, #16, #03~~~and watch the other rise quickly from their chair of Pain--walking with the Nurse and knowing "Okay--I made it this far, relief is through these doors,  thank God!"

For those who suffer with Chronic Pain--its  a true statement to say we  can slip into a hospital gown so FAST~~~ready to  answer the regular questions that  come each time, "How  is  your Pain Today--please rate it  on a  Scale  of 1-10" and you hear a round of "10's" bouncing around the room--what we want to say is "Come on folks--lets  get  a Number that truly reflects  our  Pain level~~~how about Ten Million,Billion, Zillion?"  The Nurses always tell you "Your Pain must really be bad"  and that helps--more  than we can say.  But the  "Lesson" is  waiting  for  each one  as  we  sense a  silence around us--PAIN fills the  room and we can't escape it.   I lay snuggled in warm blankets~~when a young woman slowly walks past me~~Pain has her in its tight Grip and my heart aches!

I glance to see  my "Fellow Pain Numbers" watching the young woman--i can feel One Question rise in us~~~WHY?  The answer is right in front of us~~PAIN brought her here~~~~she seeks any relief possible--just like the rest of us.  A silent prayer goes around the room as we watch her
bed go rolling by, and we ask God to help ease the Pain that has brought us here today.

God be with all who walk the path with Pain.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

"Trouble & Daddy"

                                                       " My Dad--one of a kind"

                                                        Its one of my favorite photos--if memory serves,this was taken on my  Dad's last Birthday---illness was already working on him but that gentle twinkle was still in his eyes!  Another "Father's Day"approaches and I realize how much I miss him, wishing I could hear his voice, feel one more gentle hug from him and ask him so many questions. 

But I pause and recall how much he suffered during his last year of life--Pain chewed on him daily and was usually followed by sudden illness that landed  him in the hospital for several days ~~he would rally and the process would start again.   

The days got hard--it hurt to see him~~~one day I walked in, my"smile" firmly planted as I could feel    a dark mood around him--as he lay in bed, his eyes looking out the window and I asked, "Okay--now whats wrong?"  He was never one to mince words~~"Well Sister, this is one Hell  of a way to Die"
the Pain in those words cut through me as I struggled to hold back the tears and prayed for  something to say--but words failed me as  I reached for his weathered hand, and knew in that moment-he had said so much with just a few words.

I feel so blessed on this Fathers Day~~so many wonderful "Dads" fill this world,  moving through each day-working hard so their family will be safe and secure.  No man is perfect--many struggle to do their best as a Father~~making mistakes that can't be un-done, and we need to realize this special day of the year can be "bitter-sweet"for so many.  On this day I stop  and pray for all the "Dads" of this world--"Lord, lay your Loving Hands upon them--comfort each one today."

Yes-my Husband has experienced the joys and sorrows of being a Father--and I am so very proud of him on this day.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Just how OLD did I really look?"

Yes-I have  a vanity streak still left inside--but I  know Pain has  taken a huge toll on the "outside" and I do not like  that fact-but this is Life! I look back in time--recalling moments when I would never leave the house without makeup on and my hair  done, but years have passed and living with Chronic Pain takes  those thoughts away--it just feels nice to get away from the house.

The Grocery Store seems to be  one of my easy get aways-my husband sprints through  the store,  grabbing  the bulk of our shopping list  and I don't give any thought  to "how'" I look~~~or worry who we might see.  But everything changed in a  Flash~~~~~

My cart was telling me "find my husband"  as I rounded a corner and came to  a swift halt--there stood a former  police officer who had been in the academy with my husband and of course his  sweet wife  stood  beside him.  What happened next still upsets me~~I  put my head down, trying to  hide  my face, my aged body,  my Walking cane---I was trying to hide Me!  Words were flying  out, all  jumbled as I  said "oh no-I  did Not want you to see me  looking this old"  I kept repeating these same words, over and over again!  It was a awkward moment~~~nobody was talking until  somewhere deep inside me,  I reached for Martha~~~ finding my way back to  reality as I explained
"This is how you look after Falling from a  tree, Sixteen years of non-stop  Pain and  Nine Surgeries--but I am still here!"

I could  "feel" my precious husband  smiling~~~as we all started talking, laughing and going over long ago days of our husbands starting out as Police officers.  They had a class of  about thirty-five  and we realized a sobering fact--almost all who had married did not make it.  We were two of a handful whose marriages had stood  the tremendous stress faced as we would see our husbands leaving for work and always fearing they might not come home.

It didn't matter how OLD I looked--God gave me the courage to step up to the plate, age and Pain joining me--and yet I can still feel the Joy  of being here!   

Friday, June 7, 2013

late night shuffle

He tells me "I can hear you snoring" but I can't be asleep---the Fire Department hasn't arrived yet to put the flames out!  Not to worry, its not the house~~just me and my leg, feet and the old buttock, sizzling away and driving me to distraction!!

Why complain about it?  He has heard the same words a thousand times~I have felt this burn for many years now and one would think "So what is the problem?"  The answer comes easy--"I can't remember what it feels like to be Pain Free- Normal!"  

So I continue my Late Night Shuffle~~moving from room to room, falling asleep for a few minutes in my chair, waking quickly as my glasses slide off my face and the Burning Pain has been on Idle--just waiting for me to wake and join in on what feels like a "Continuous Torture Session." This is where I dig deep for help, putting me to the side and Think~~~~

I think about all the others who endure the same Burning Pain~~wondering how they cope with their wicked Pain.  As I shuffle off to bed, my heart quickly aches~~~~its as if I can feel the countless faces in this world who face a life filled with Chronic Pain, how I would love to help them--and take their Pain away! Yes--I would then beg them " please lend some hands if you don't mind and make my Pain leave!"  The image fills me with warmth as I know Chronic Pain People would leap over tall buildings to help relieve the suffering of another "member of the Pain Club!"

It would be easy to lose Hope-but all I need is right here-as I ask God to watch over all those who are suffering, as I sense a Guiding Hand to help me make it through another Late Night Shuffle.


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Venting Pain~~~

Anyone who suffers daily with Chronic Pain reaches moments where we feel like a Un-opened Bottle of Champagne--its ready to Blow and for anybody standing nearby-it would be wise to step away for a bit.  I am human--making me no different than others who suffer with Pain, we all reach moments where we want to run outside, look up to the Heavens and shout"Okay, Okay, enough already--just need a brief respite from this Pain, PLEASE!"

So let me roll out "Martha's Vent List about Pain"--something tells me you might just see a phrase or word that you have also felt like saying/screaming/begging/raging~~~~~

My Prayers become very short---"Help Me God!"
I am bone-weary Tired of hurting!
Pain is like a wicked Monkey that clings to my back-beating on me constantly!
Unless you have lived with Chronic Pain, you do not understand all the issues we deal with.
Our loved ones can't Help us--but we do need them to Listen!
You reach a time in the Journey with Pain that Smiling is definitely Hard to Do.
My Feet are TIRED of feeling numb, burning, on fire---constantly! 
I Hate the Pain!
I don't look in the mirror as much---Pain has left its mark on me.

What in the World was I thinking that long-ago day while standing in the Tree?

I hear my Doctor asking me--after I have said a very firm NO to Surgery-- "Martha, can you Live like this?"  Yes--I can do it!  It will not be pretty, lots of stumbles will happen along the way, Pain will continue robbing pieces of Me~~~~but as I hold Tight to HIS Hand---Yes I can do this! 

My Venting ends as I close my eyes--remembering my Moma singing "One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus, thats all I'm asking of you.  just give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do.  Yesterday's gone Sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine.  Lord help me today, show me the way, One Day at a time!"  (thank you Moma, & thanks to Cristy Lane Lyrics)

Pain Won't Beat Me----you have my prayers--as you take the Journey One Day at a Time.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

Frustrated, Tired, Irritable~~~comes with Pain Territory.

Its the "simple"  things that bring instant frustration--in simple terms, the list of things I can't do seems to keep growing, it  just adds to the pile  of  stressed out nerves from Pain levels soaring off  my  1-10 Chart --because of  a long run of  Weather changes across  the country~~~~~I  am MAD! Mother Nature  wreaked wicked havoc  around the country--and my body screamed with Pain each day--even though the weather was hundreds of  miles away. Anger seemed to grow with the Pain and nothing would make it go away.

Add  to the daily  grind of  Chronic Pain--Matt suddenly is  puttering around the house with My walker~~~early morning call to his Orthopedic Doctor  tells us what we already know--he has  fluid back  on his knee.   Recurring problem from surgery, over-doing it, and that lovely thing  we call Age!!

When things  are not good  in Matt's part of our world--my focus  is constantly on him as I  offer advice from my long  years in Pain (hits me fast--I am not a  Doctor) and I  settle down to give Matt  his time and try to get a  grip on "fussing over  him" as I am bringing water,  snack, magazines~~~~when Matt  gets my attention and lets  me know "Heh, its  just my Knee!"  All I  can think is  how much I  love  this  wonderful  man and wish I could fix his knee--home surgery came to mind---Nope, not  a  good idea!!

Pain Territory is filled  with so  many ups and downs~~~emotions can run high if I  let them--but I  am reminded as to how Pain can rise in the body when a  person is churning  with emotion!  Time to push everything I am feeling to the side,  take a long deep breath and get ready for  the next  step!

I take a  long slow breath of air--look outside to take a drink of the beauty around us and tell  myself-- "Martha--You Can Do This, I am with You!"   Blessings to all of you.  Martha