Monday, March 25, 2013

How are you Feeling?

Four words~~~always directed to me in a kind manner--by this time, everyone knows Something is wrong with me and their question is valid.  Oh I have a basket full of answers--"Still Hanging in There, Mean as Ever, Well-I am still alive!"  

I notice people don't hang around after my answer comes flying out of me~~~it sinks in quickly that I am becoming quite unpleasant to be around-so I am learning to stay home on my worst days of Pain, because  I can't make the Pain Go Away, it will not go away.......

Yes I know how to fight the battle against Pain--digging my feet into the ground and knowing, "Pain is Not Going to Take Me Away"--but it hit me as I keyed  this post out~~the Scales have tipped  a bit
in this battle-my attitude is different.  I am constantly worn down, no energy to do anything but keep Pain from winning, and yet here I sit-knowing a cold fact~~I am so MAD!

Yes I could start raging at Pain~~~~cursing it, demanding it stop hurting so much, stop robbing me of everything good inside me.  Only those who suffer with Chronic Pain can truly understand  how HARD we must work to keep  going~~This is a process that takes everything inside you--especially when Pain grows stronger by the day and your "window of Joy" is not that easy to find anymore.

But~~~enough complaining, "Get out of my way Anger--move fast because I am reaching up and grabbing for the loving HAND of GOD!"   I have a Goal inside my  Heart--don't have a  clue where  to start at, but I know this~~~I want to go visit young soldiers who have returned from War, with so many pieces missing in them---

all I want to do is ask "How are you Feeling?"  Maybe, just maybe I could help.  

God bless our Soldiers who are far away-doing everything to protect our country. 


Saturday, March 23, 2013

One of God's Best~~~~~

There are so many wonderful people  who cross our path in life, and sometimes we get lucky enough to not only meet them, but to have the chance to form special  bonds that  will stay with us forever.

My chance came when I got lucky enough to meet a gentle man named Vernon Schmidt-he was our neighbor, living with his wife of over 60+++ years and spent each day working in his shop, creating 
beautiful woodwork ranging from Crosses that catch your breath as you wonder how one with hands bent and worn from Age-could take his personal love for God and form a piece of wood  into a Spiritual reminder of true Faith.   

As time moved on, we formed a friendship~~I can see his gentle smile and twinkling eyes, eager to show me his latest creations-opening aged cabinet doors and pulling out  wooden toys, baskets, 3-D woodwork images~~all coming from his imagination, one that did not slow with age.  We got to know
each other- as I would spend time with him and his lovely wife, Hilda~~finding out about their love of dancing!   Yes-I did say Dancing, I never did see them dance together but people would talk about how they could "dance" younger couples off the floor--perhaps not by speed but simply wanting to keep going-cherishing the music.

Vernon taught me many lessons--love of God and family, doing a honest day of work, being proud of your work, helping out anybody in need~~the list went on and I took in his words, storing them deep in my heart, and doing my best to follow his example.  We became Friends-laughing and enjoying simple moments in life.  Today I said Goodbye to my dear friend~~Vernon passed away at the age of
99 years, and I know he is resting peacefully in Heaven.  

My heart  is heavy--but I am thankful for this man who passed  my way-I will  never forget him.

One of God's best~~~my friend Vernon. 


Saturday, March 16, 2013


We are into Spring weather here in Texas and that means One thing~~~people are rushing to local "Big Box Stores" that are suddenly filled with endless blooming plants, tall grasses blowing gently in the wind, planting pots in every color possible~~~in simple terms," An Adult's Weekend Candy Store" and here I stood-soaking it all in when my attention fell on a Swing~~~looking like it had my name on it!!

I grabbed  a set of cushions,and plopped down on the Swing~~~swaying back and forth, being reminded what it feels like to relax and let all the worries go.  My phone rang~~~time to leave the Swing and go find my husband-sounded easy,until I made my first move to stand up and leave.

For too many reasons to list~~my worn body refused to follow  normal moves and instead of being able to make a graceful move  from the Swing~~~I kept falling right back where I had been siting-now my eyes were sweeping Isle Seven for anybody to help  pull me  from my current mess-it felt as if this huge store had silently rushed people out, locking doors~~~leaving the Swing and me to finish out Martha's Escape from the Swing!

I had enough of this awkward  situation-so I  grabbed a bar on the Swing, pushed  back hard  with my feet,and let go--praying I would fly out of this Swing without breaking any bones!   God was there, and suddenly I was free from the Swing,standing solid on both feet~~~as a young lady, dressed in official Store attire smiled and asked me "Do you need anything here in ISLE SEVEN?"

"No-I was  just browsing"  thinking silently if anybody had been watching, they just saw Store Browsing  taken to a strange new level.  The sales clerk was young, pretty and suddenly let me know
she needed HELP and it was in the Garden Section!  She started telling me about being hired, but not having any training about plants, mulch,etc--- and people were starting to get angry!   I looked at her
and thought back to  how it felt to  be on a new job, and  I decided to jump in~~~"Well, remember these few ideas and maybe it will  help. Tell them to purchase Texas Native Plants--people will listen~~you have a caring attitude and lets be honest, you  are very pretty!"

She grabbed  me and hugged me as if I had given her a  lifeline~~~~as I walked away, praying  my Neck would  not start throbbing from her hug---I thought "Remember to stay clear of  ISLE SEVEN!"

Thanks for letting me share.............. martha

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Isn't Reality Grand!!

I have been feeling house-bound, needed to get out and see if the "relaxed neck"  would take a short drive to a nearby town~~off we went and I was loving every second of being out, looking around at
the scenery-slowly and smiling when my neck did Not send shooting rays of Burning Pain down my arms!  This is all good-a clear signal that my doctor is on the right path and the next procedure can help me stay out of Neck Pain for many months, maybe longer.....

My husband knew things were good because I was rambling away, talking non-stop, even laughing at  a radio commentator's comments~~~~~I felt Good, Normal, and Happy----but Reality decided it was time to appear, grabbing my attention fast as the "familiar" Burning Sensation arrived, grabbing every  section of my Butt, Leg and Foot~~in  plain terms, everything was on FIRE!

A swell of emotions hit~~Anger, Sadness, Resignation- as I struggled to focus on anything but the intense Burning Pain that wanted all of my attention.   If you  think this is  a "simple" process,  take  it  from one who is  In the battle--it is  so Far from being Simple-that it can be heart-breaking.

We reached our one place to visit-an Herb Farm and I did everything possible to grab each glimmer of Joy,  being with my husband was the only thing that mattered and I fought for each second of time with him, Pain or no Pain!

Reality-can rush up fast and hit hard~~~but this is my life and I will take  each day--because I refuse to  give up~~~Pain Won't Beat Me~~~it will slap me around and pound on my  body-but  God is  with me, and together we take  it one  step, one moment, one  day  at a time.

God bless all who are fighting to live in spite of Chronic Pain.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Cooking with the Wind~~~

I know the title of this post sounds out  of  place-but when it comes to Cooking, my success rate isn't
the best and with Pain chomping away at my body-Cooking wasn't the brightest thing for me to attempt.   Cupcakes  have  become my favorite desert to make, most recipes are easy-so what could possibly go wrong?

First problem~~~According to most recipes, its vital for everything to be Stirred properly if you have even a tiny chance the recipe will turn out right.  Well after I have thrown all ingredients together, making the effort to Stir-I am reminded my arms hurt, feel numb and weak-"Oops, I have a problem"
and realize, Time to Ask for Help.  Thank goodness, my husband still likes to cook and  he started 
stirring, giving me the easy task of watching!

Second problem~~~I have all types of Cupcake Liners to use and it took me several trial and error times to learn a) Use the Liners and b)  Spray the liners with your choice of  Cooking Spray-it helps to get the Cupcakes out.  My husband is watching, asking me what the deal is with Cooking Spray and I give him a fast explanation--then head outside so the Spray will not mess the kitchen up.

Third Problem~~~as I walk out the door, beginning to Spray the Liners,  the Wind caught those
Cute Liners, sending them flying in every direction possible! The Spray--well it had one place to land at--my Face was Covered with Cooking Spray!

What was I  thinking?  I walk inside,carrying an Empty Cupcake Pan and my husband can't stop laughing at the image of his wife~~Cooking Spray dripping down my face~~~as dear Husband says
"Gee, I thought you would do that Spraying Stuff in the Laundry Room~~~looks like you will need
some extra liners!"  He turned around Fast--don't think he wanted to see the LOOK on my face!!

Cupcake Cooking Advice~~~~~~Check first to see if the Wind is blowing!!


Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Simple Reminder~

I know every place on my Leg where Pain is parked at-a steady Burning Sensation that will rise in a flash, telling me "Weather Change Ahead!"  I flip to the local news channel,  hearing the wise Weather Anchor filled with excitement, to let us know Rain is Coming-as it hits me, "Gee, I have my own Doppler Radar-I don't need to watch this silly Weather show!" These are times when I resent being reminded of what it took for me to have this unusual method of weather predicting.

Recently Pain hit two more areas of my body~~ simple tasks of reaching up for a Cake Mix in the pantry-or lifting a basket of clothes to fold, blow drying my hair, brings the question~~~"what will this do to my  aching Neck and lower back?"

I  had one of my "down moments" recently while visiting with a life-long  friend on the phone~~she was listening to my complaining, offering words of comfort and love, doing all she could to help.  Suddenly I looked toward the corner of our  bedroom, seeing an object I never dreamed would be a  needed part of  my life now. My friend  noticed how quiet things had become on my  end of the phone and she asked "Martha-are you okay?"

"Nope- I am not okay~~~I never thought a Walker would come into my life!"  Now the phone was quiet on her end, when she spoke words I shall never forget "Martha, its a Walker~ its Not a Wheelchair!"   I felt something stir inside me~Faith~God giving me a Simple Reminder-

 be grateful for each day I am given, HE is helping me .

 I am determined to Keep Moving~and bump into a bit of Joy each day.

May God be with all those who "Suffer in Silence."


Monday, March 4, 2013

I don't have the answers~~~

I know why my Leg hurts-Tree fall, simple answer that I will never feel good about, but its past time to make peace with a moment in my life that I wish had never happened.  The stubborn woman who climbed that tree is the same woman who has coped with Chronic Pain for many, many years.  Yes I have been through all the days of feeling very sorry for myself-especially after too many surgeries, infections, and long recovery periods to begin feeling human again.

Suddenly I have found myself having to face two new versions of Pain-a bulging Disc in my Neck that can take me to Tears in a split second!  A piece of Disc pressing against Nerves in my lower back that hurt, but I  can manage the Pain .  Silly me--I learned a lesson today about this particular Pain while taking a brief walk outside with my husband~~back Pain hit and scared me due to its lightening fast speed and high level of Pain.  My legs were numb and something told me "get to the house Now!"  I think its one of the few times I have moved faster than my husband, and once inside-I crawled into bed, wrapped a heating pad around me and prayed for this Pain to ease.

My husband stayed with me~~I needed him beside me--as I struggled to "will" this awful Pain away from my body.  Gradually I could feel some relief and knew it was time to discuss what had happened~~the silence hung in the air and fear was in the mix, as I asked him "Well, what do you think about all this?"
He took a long time before answering me "Martha, this is serious and I am worried about you!"

 I took his words in, wanting to jump away from this moment,  but he had more to say "It took every bit of raw grit inside you to stay on your feet and make it to the house~~I have never seen you struggle like that!Strange--there was a day when words like "raw grit" would make me proud~~~ Severe Pain took that away today-leaving me with No Answers, as I pray God will help me get through this.

God be with all who suffer with Pain-help them in their moments of fear and doubt.