My body is tired from all this. So for this particular blog, I decided to do my best to give a vivid account of what my nights are like with Pain. Of course, I deal with Pain throughout the day, meaning I wake up with Pain, and I go to bed with Pain. It follows me every second of the day. At times, I get so mad because I deal with something that can't be seen. Many times, I want to whirl around and scream at the top of my lungs, "How about giving me a break! Now would that be too much to ask?" Instead, the Pain wraps all around me, and I get a couple of hours to sleep each night after taking my pain medication. In those wee hours of the morning, something claws away at me, wakes me from sleep and pulls me toward the fight.
So I get up, pause to look at my husband sleeping peacefully, and utter frustrations under my breath like, "Wow, he's so lucky to sleep!" Then I feel miserable because I would never wish this misery on this man whom I love so dearly. I stumble around, look for my heating pad that follows me around like a child hanging onto his favorite blanket, reach for a massive leg massager to work on the constant burning in my leg, grab my pillow and leave before waking my husband.
Pain can really be fascinating if you give it some thought. It sort of creeps up on you during the night, taunts you and then demands your attention by simply cranking the Pain level up until you are miserable! It seems that Pain demands that I ride along with it, no matter if my mind and body are exhausted from a lack of needed sleep. None of that matters because the Pain is here and demands that I join in, no matter how worn down I am. In other words, Pain refuses to give you any form of a break.
The house is dark as I stumble toward my favorite recliner. First, I make a cup of hot herbal tea and hope it will help me relax a bit. Then I lean back against the heating pad and feel my body absorb the blessed warmth as my aching back throbs and screams for relief. Nobody but Pain, me and the Good Lord observe this crazy ritual I go through to hang on and fight with every ounce of strength possible. After a few minutes, I remind myself to fix a little snack to help absorb the Pain medication I take. Then it's back to my recliner. I flip on the television and sit, not caring what is on, paying no real attention to it as I twist, squirm, massage one leg, then go to the other and try to fall asleep. These are my nights lately. Not a lot of fun, and they certainly have a way of making me a very irritable person.
Today for the first time in quite a while, I felt so down emotionally and knew it was vital I give myself permission to do nothing but simply rest. So I spent most of the day in bed. No guilt this time, no thinking of all the things I should be up and doing. Somehow I knew that rest had to come so I can gain renewed energy and keep fighting against the Pain.
My Pain has no intentions of going away so I continue the fight. I am learning to do silly things, like have all my "Pain Night Items" close by so I don't have to stumble around in the dark. I am forcing myself to realize the importance of being humbled by this wicked game of Pain. I will never find a special bag of tricks to battle it into submission. Instead, I continue to learn how much I need prayer in my life as I beg the Lord to help me through each day. It might sound strange, but at those moments when I am thinking "I can't take this" and I want to give up, I go deeper into prayer and simply beg Him for help.
Late yesterday, I happened to look upward to the sky. There before me were two huge rainbows with a beauty that took my breath away. One was just glowing. The other seemed to glide across the sky and get larger as I stood there in awe. There was my moment of precious Joy amid this storm of Pain, raging within my body. All I needed to do was simply look up. For that brief moment, Pain was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted to do was stand there and cherish every second of seeing this amazing rainbow!
Each person has their own dance with Pain. I do not profess to have the best advice on how to battle back, except to say: Keep going and give yourself love, rest and comfort, all so vital to help in the fight against Chronic Pain. Don't forget to look up for strength and joy, too. I will always say a prayer for you. And if you don't mind, say a small one for me too. God bless.
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