Sunday, September 30, 2012

"Got any Advice for me Daddy?"

                    ~~~~~Martha & Daddy~~~~~~~

This photo is very special for me-taken at a time when my Daddy was fighting his final battles and Pain was now a part of my daily life.  Yet we had this moment of being together and letting our love for each other Shine!

Daddy never minced words-he looked you square in the eye, spoke his thoughts, no matter if they were a bit on the Tough side.  Here is an example of what I mean by Tough Advice~~~~
I was in High School, at home with a miserable sore throat (turned out to be a bad case of Strep Throat) when a sudden storm came up-things went from sunshine to total darkness in a matter of minutes!  My heart was pounding as I hid in a food pantry with the phone cord stretched tight as I called Daddy at work.  I was scared to death and wanted my parents to come home! Moma was working a full time job and I knew it would take an emergency to get them home.

Daddy answered with his "Job Voice" booming on the line as I started crying, telling him about the terrible storm outside-as i could  hear tree limbs slamming against windows, and he said~~
 "Sister-its not a Tornado, but where are you hiding at in the house?"  The Parent side of him made sure I had picked a safe place to hide.  Now I realized he wasn't going to leave work just for a storm-so I  knew it was time to kick in the Emergency aspect~~

                               "Daddy, I feel so sick-please I need you to come home!"

 Daddy was raised in the country-he was tough as they come, and going to a doctor was rare so here came his advice "Sister-listen good to me, when you feel like you are about to Die, call me back!" We hung up, the storm continued to blow and I waited a full ten minutes, then called him again, this time making my message come across clearly~~
                  "Daddy, I feel like I am going to Die-either you or Moma needs to come home, now!"

There was momentary silence on his end as he told me, "Okay Sister-one of us will be there soon!"  He took care of things-and thats why I find myself thinking of him and longing for his words of advice~~
"So Daddy, have you got any Advice for me on how I can keep dealing with this Pain?" 

If my precious Daddy were still alive- his words would come across strong and steady~~
I feel he would tell me to be strong, reminding me that if I just look around for a few seconds, God will show
others to me who are suffering so much more than me.  He would make sure to tell me~~~
                                            "Count your Blessings Sister, never forget to do that"  

God has blessed me with some of the tremendous inner courage both of my parents possessed, I have been blessed with the most wonderful man in the world to have as my husband, and God knows my heart, how I look to HIM for everything. The best I can do is take life one day at a time.

Count your blessings-no matter how small they might look, because those are the Best Blessings of all!

God be with all who are battling Chronic Pain.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Why must People suffer so much~~~

I write tonight with a heavy heart~~ as a dear friend is seriously ill from complications following major surgery.  Her precious husband has been right beside her and when I heard his voice tonight, so much was said~~ not in words, but in the aching sound of his voice.  They are both in the "golden" years of life and probably never dreamed a nightmare like this would come their way.

My heart is screaming "Go see them now" yet my body begs for my attention "Its a round trip of 400 miles- Pain is going to beat you up!"  Anger simmers  beneath the surface as I must face the reality of what my body can tolerate- its a Cold Slap in the Face as I realize this is the way things are now.  I feel so helpless-at a loss of not being able to help these wonderful people more, and the question rises over and over~~ Why do People Suffer so Much?

We want answers during times of great illness and heartbreaking worry~~but the answers do not come.  It hits me that none of us can control these times-God is the Shepherd and HE is with us.  As I sit here-my eyes kept glancing over at the Bible I keep nearby, ready for me to open and find HIS words~~~~~

                            ~~~~~~~~ I opened it up and my eyes fell to a verse~~~~~~~

  "Psalm 46~~~ God is our Refuge and our Strength, an ever present help in Distress."

These words will be with me tonight and throughout the days to come as I pray for God's will to be done and ask that HE hold my dear friends tightly in HIS loving Arms.

I pray for all who are suffering on this night and ask God to watch over you.  If you can, please say One Prayer for my dear Friends.  Thank you.  martha

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Famous quotes on Sciatic Pain~~~

William Shakespeare
*Google Web Search*

During my long ago high school days, I competed in Poetry Speaking Contests and much research needed to be done on Poets such as Shakespeare-it was exciting to read his work and yet I wondered
 "Now what was this man actually saying?"

Now let me Fast Forward about 40 years (ouch-that one is a reality touch) and here I sit, having been up again with my lovely Sciatic Pain-waking me from sleep at 4:00am today-and to the Computer I went, as numerous websites rolled past me-all relating to Chronic Pain & Sciatica, when I suddenly saw Two Quotes:

"How Now, which of your Hips has the most profound Sciatica?"
1st Gentleman(Measure to Measure, Act. 1, Sc. 2,1) Shakespeare

"Thou Cold Sciatica, cripple our Senators, that their Limbs may halt as lamely as their Manners"
1564, Shakespeare

So how would such a famous Poet know about Sciatica Pain? He described the physical location of the body and even dared to cast it toward Senators-giving a vivid image of Sciatic Pain crippling them.
Now the urge to search for other Famous People who have suffered with Sciatica was pushing me forward as my fingers flew over the keys-suddenly another quote:

"Laughter is the Tonic, the Relief, the Surcease for Pain"
Charlie Chaplin

 a brief history followed about Chaplin, stating Sciatica Pain was most likely the reason He
walked in such awkward manner-yet for all who have seen  images of Chaplin and his walk, laughter
comes quickly as we wonder "how did he manage that walk?" Physical suffering hidden
behind a false smile-Chaplin delighted us all, but very few had a clue as to his suffering.
I was ready to close my computer-lack of sleep causing words to blur together-when one
more quote appeared on my screen:

"How Short a Step it is from Joy to Pain"
Victor Hugo

This one stopped me in my tracks-I shut the computer down, and let the words flow through me.  My mind went back to that dreaded day-I could see careful steps being made as I found my way up the Tree, and
within seconds, all the Joy I had known was gone~~ Pain now took its place beside me.

But God had one more quote for me today:
Pain Won't Beat Me
martha herden

my own Motto-given to me by God during some of my darkest moments of walking this path of Pain.
I put them on a board to hang above my Computer Screen, serving to remind me of how I must
continue this Path-and Real Assurance hits me as my eyes settle upon my Bible nearby.  Thats why I
decided to "borrow" the words of Victor Hugo and turn them around-just for today:

"How Short a Step it is from Pain to Joy!"

God's loving Grace has brought me this far, and I will keep looking past the Pain, so my heart will be filled with a moment of Joy.  After all-its just a short Step~~~~~~~

God bless all who suffer on this day with Pain.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Labor of Love~~~~

~~~~~~Circle of Friends~~~~~~

We all have friends-maybe its just a couple of close ones that we have known for a lifetime and hold them tightly to our heart.  For me-the names on my "Labor of Love" have all meandered into my life through the world of Blogging and what a Gift they are to me!  First came Diane-she responded to one of my Posts and before long, we were talking on the phone to each other, sharing the ups and downs of living with Chronic Pain and ending our conversations with much needed Prayer. 

God was working to help my heart open up so I could be willing to meet other "Friends"
 and from halfway around the world, a gentle spirit named Lolita arrived in my life-never hesitating to offer 
heart-felt words of prayer for me, asking God to ease my Pain.  A "Circle" was starting to form-as we 
continued to share openly with each other.  

I had seen a name~ Betty~and something about her seemed so familiar, it was like I had known her 
for such a long time.  She would share how Pain impacts her life and instant prayers were flying back and forth as we did our best to comfort the other.  

The Circle of Friends was completed as a young spirit arrived on the scene-Veronica-who brought 
Joy, Love, Prayers and much Laughter!  We watch the tremendous talents this young woman has been blessed with-suddenly "little Creations called Shtick Figures" seemed to be running around the Circle, spreading sheer Delight as we relish their Impish Nature! 

I wanted to do something special for these women-and one day while shopping in a craft store, my eyes were drawn to a Embroidery Project-the Cross being its primary focus-suddenly it felt like my dear
Granny was leaning over my shoulder and telling me "Martha-
take the Cross with you, everything else will come, be sure you do a Nice Job of it!"

Thank you God  for letting me be a part of this Circle of Friends.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Chronic Pain-Round & Round it goes!

I loved to play outside as a child, finding great joy in the Merry-Go-Round at school as I learned how to get on it, then holding on and feeling the wind flying by me!  It was pure Joy-and I never wanted to stop twirling around but other kids wanted their turn and I would jump off, but stayed put so I could watch their 
Joyful smiles as they played.

That was a long time ago-sometimes it feels like a thousand years have passed by me, especially since Falling from the Tree~~ now realization hits me each day as to my life being altered from the Fall and knowing things will never be the same again.  Now I have a different Merry-Go-Round in my life- it does not bring Joy to me as I once felt, instead Constant Pain Circles around me, day in and day out.  

I  wonder-How will I keep fighting against this raging Pain?  The answer comes like a cold slap in the face~~ I can either Fight regardless of how hard it gets, or simply give up and let the Pain take over. It feels as if  something deep within me seems to stir-tugging at me to get attention-reminding me "Martha-take a good look at how far you have come in this Battle"- I reflect back on surgery, illness, Pain-a constant Round & Round process being repeated in my life.  Yet at this moment, I can still find Joy and Peace in the simplest of things~~ and I go back, remembering the simple joy of a little girl flying round and round on a Merry-Go-Round as the wind was flying all around.  

Childhood memories help me in the bad moments-and I know my battle is not one that I fight in solitude~ with each aching step I take, there is another set of Footprints walking beside me! God is there, and I am blessed with His Love.   

God be with you, in the darkest moments.  You are all in my prayers.  


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Can You Make it Go Away??

Somewhere long ago during my childhood, I learned this little song and it has stayed with me to this very day,

Rain Rain Go Away!
Come again some Other Day.

More words go with it but I am inserting New Words- here in Texas, the Last thing we want is for any Rain we are blessed with to go away!  Its a joyous moment when we here that beautiful sound of Thunder, followed by Rain coming down-our land has been scorched by the long summer heat!

So now I sing my song with these words,

Pain, Pain Go Away!
Please stop Showing Up each Day.
Pain, Pain Go Away!
Dear God, please hear me Pray..

Its the best I could do in trying to "sing" my way out of the continual Pain Cycle I am in lately.  There isn't any particular reason I can grab onto as to why the Pain is raging-this is it-so I strive hard to
push myself through the day, working to get around the Pain-finally realizing its time to lay down, rest and 
Pray the night goes better.

You see-its like this:  I can't Run from the Pain, Hide from the Pain, Beat the Pain out of my body, Cry my heart out from the Pain, and I can't Give into the Pain, to let it grab all of me.
For me- Pain is like carrying a large Elephant on my back-its always there and I can't shake it off, no matter how Hard I try.  It would be very easy to give up the fight-yes, I could just quit fighting  and stay in my chair, but that is not me-I still remember "Martha- before the Fall" and pieces of her are still here!

That's why I chose my motto:
Pain Won't Beat Me

I will not allow this Pain to take all of me, there is so much still to do and see and feel in this world, and I am 
determined to taste the moments of Joy that come my way!  Today I rose from my chair, and stepped outside, forcing myself to take a walk down our driveway.  Doesn't sound like that big a deal, but for me-walking is always a Big Deal-as I opened the door, suddenly a huge flock of birds rose from a nearby tree and began a graceful pattern of flight over our house-I stood to watch the beauty of their movements, how they dipped downward, then flying back up and it made me SMILE!

Pain followed me during my walk, but thats okay. 

God be with all who are suffering.  

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Its just One of those Nights~~~~

Its almost 5:00am-I sit staring at my Computer Screen, looking for some hidden reason as to why my Pain suddenly decided to go off the Charts!  The house is quiet, my husband is sleeping-yet I am wide awake because Pain showed up a few hours ago,  making me feel like a Giant Rubber Band is wrapped around my Body, as it squeezes every ounce of new-found Peace out of me.

Hmm-I call this "Living with Chronic Pain" and how I handle these "Nights" has a huge impact on the Pain-anger about the Pain will only cause my Stress level to rise and for whatever reason, Stress & Pain don't mix very well-as I slowly found out and now work to keep everything in perspective~~~

This Pain is here to stay, and I know there will be Good days and really Bad days.

Ouch!!  Just typing these words hurt-its the Reality check that hits me hard and I find myself having moments of worry-will I be able to keep the battle going?  The answer is easy~~Pain Won't Beat Me--I made a decision many years ago-Pain will Not take all of Me-no matter how hard the journey gets.  Sure there will be times when I fall-but there is a deep resolve within me that urges me on-as I get back on my feet and push to find those moments of Joy!

Some might ask "So how do you cope with being in Pain all the time?"  I turn to the Lord-knowing HE is watching over me and will never leave me.  Moments come when I simply utter "Help me Lord" as I twist and turn, trying to move away from the Pain.  Then a moment comes- as I realize the Pain has eased for a while and I am thankful, knowing my words for help were heard.

I look out my window, watching blessed Rains fall~~~and I am reminded of  God's Promise~~~

 "See!  I will not forget you... I have carved you on the Palm of my Hand."  Isaiah 49:15

You are in my prayers, I ask you to please keep me in yours.

God bless you all.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Living with Pain as we Age~~~

I recall telling my Dad "This Getting Older Thing is not Easy"  hearing his fast response "Well Sister, It certainly beats the Alternative!"  He was right-I would rather be experiencing the Aging signals instead of "Pushing up Daises" his choice of words to help me grasp the Joy of being Alive-and taking the good with the bad as we Age.

We move along through life, forgetting about the Aging until  Reminders start arriving~~ Arthritis, Gout,  and Vision Changes-all get our attention!  The Aging Process got my attention while I watched my Husband struggle to read a Menu-first there would be the"Stretch the Arm out-Paper in Hand-Now Read."  My patience grew thin watching this process done by my husband and finally I told him one night
  "Why don't you just put The Menu on the floor-I bet you can read the words then!"
Lets just say we both got my message as the Vision Doctor saw both of us, letting us know the time had arrived for New Glasses and suddenly-the world seemed to have a very different look!

Some Aging Reminders can be slowly adjusted to, but if Chronic Pain is around, suddenly a morning climb out of bed will arrive and it hits-Did I suddenly get old overnight?  Sadly, the answer is simple-when living with Chronic Pain, there will be moments that cause us to think- "Lord, How in the World am I going to Live with this much Pain?"  I  have spoken these words, asking that question and knowing my answer "Martha, you fell out of a Tree-and Landed on your Butt!"  The reminder stings-hard.

We are all unique Individuals-each one will find Coping Methods in dealing with Pain and Aging.  For me, all I can do is take it one simple day at a time. I am learning to be more accepting of my limitations-but its never easy to do, so I guess you could say I will be a continual Work in Progress. Some days I can push the Pain far away from my Body-giving me enough space to draw a breath and relax~~but when the Bad days come, and believe me, they Do Come-it feels as if I am constantly Pulling/Pushing my body, as I fight back against this wicked enemy called Chronic Pain.  

Aging does bring many changes our way-living with Pain only adds to the changes, but I am living proof that it can be done!  You can still find a second of Joy in each day-all you have to do is Look around!

God be with everyone who must fight the Pain battle-please know I am with you in prayer~


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Walking the Path We are Given~~~

Many years ago I had a chance to visit the Redwood Forest area in California-this picture (Courtesy of Picassa Background photos) reminded me of the immense beauty I saw that day.  Vehicles could only go so far and then it was time to stop and simply walk the path in front of us as I drank in one of God's most 
beautiful creations.

I had read about how quiet the Forest would be-but nothing prepared me for the reality of being surrounded by Trees that appeared to reach for the Heavens and not a Sound could be heard.  It was like having stepped into another world- being given a chance to drink in such splendid beauty.

You could see areas where one of these Giants had fallen-thinking how Loud that sound was, but as I looked around, it seemed the sound was cushioned in some magical way by all the other trees, as this One fell back to Earth to make room for another Giant to grow tall and sturdy.

We are all given Paths in life to walk-sometimes it seems a dozen Paths are flying at us and we don't know which one to take, but if we stop and ask God to help, we know He is with us.
 If anyone had told me I would be living with Chronic Pain for all these years- I would have 
thought them to be out of their minds-because I never saw anything of this nature happening to me!

My Path seemed so clear to me, a loving husband, a son-I looked forward to the future ahead and gave no
thought to the decision I made that day as I climbed the tree.  What I didn't realize then was that God had
sent me Three Warning Signals~~~

the day before I climbed the tree-I decided to do a Test Run of sorts-climbing up high on our old Water Cistern, tied a rope to the Lid, then wrapped it around my waist and made a few steps toward another tall tree-and began sliding instantly! 
~~~~~ Warning One-"Martha, this is a bad idea"~~~~~~

but I was determined and the Next Day was Tree Time-I climbed the tree and here came
~~~~~Warning Two-"Oh, the Ladder fell"~~~~~~
but again I ignored a very obvious problem and went higher!

Finally when I had reached the height of 12 feet up-a thought flew by me-words of pleading from my 
husband "Just wait until Tomorrow and I will do it"
~~~~~Warning Three had arrived~~~~

The rest is history as they say and now my life had taken a very different Path- I had no clue as to
how difficult the Journey was going to be.  I have stumbled, almost given up, raged with Anger for all that was happening to me and then began to slowly find my way along the Path~~
 I finally reached for God's loving Hand and started walking,  taking it one step at a time.

Everyone has a Path to walk-it is by His Grace that we can keep finding the courage to continue.

I ask God to please be with everyone who is Walking the Path with Chronic Pain.


Monday, September 10, 2012

New Faces at Pain Clinic~~~~~

It was my day to get injections for the Burning Leg Pain-so we arrived before the doors even opened!  Lets be honest, who feels like getting up at 4:00am, then driving 45 miles into a big city, battling traffic-all to get "beat up" from Painful needles filled with medication!  

I am always watching as people come dragging in, waiting to get signed in, then called back for "blessed relief" from their Pain-but today was very different as time went by and it hit me, I am the only Adult in the place-why are so many babies coming in with their parents?  Then it hit me-the babies were there to get Ear Tubes, some toddlers would be having Tonsils removed!

They lay in the arms of loving, anxious parents-who were facing having to hand their child over to a nurse and then sit down to wait and worry as their baby could be heard wailing loud and clear from the procedure rooms!

I wanted to say something-anything to help ease the fears, but I know first hand that when you are worried about your child, nothing will ease that worry until you have them back in your arms.  Nurses were trying to ease the parents fears but it was not working as I watched Moms dab at tears flowing, knowing they would do anything to keep their children from Pain.

Thats when it hit really hard-Pain doesn't care if you are young, old, or in between-when its your turn to get hit with Pain, all you can do is live with it, work to find why the Pain is there and seek the best medical treatment possible.

But you can't really tell all of that to a baby-they Hurt and boy can they cry!  Every person in the waiting room would grimace with each cry that was heard, and all I could do was hope the procedure would go quickly for their child and they could go back to comfort the tears.

Its never boring at the Pain Clinic-and I continue meeting new faces, seeing the familiar ones and hear the Nurse ask "Where is your Pain at today?"

 "My Pain is exactly where its been for the Past Sixteen Years!"

Today I ask the Lord to comfort the little ones who suffer-and please watch over them!


Sunday, September 9, 2012

I will Never forget~~~~~

Sept. 10th, 2001

This date doesn't catch a person's attention-but if I were to change it to Sept. 11th, 2001 is grilled into our minds forever.  I don't recall much of that day-except waking up in a hospital room, with a television on and I saw a man jumping out a window.  We all know the darkness of that day-watching two huge landmark buildings crash to the ground, with countless people being killed. A tragedy that changed lives forever, leaving families broken-forever grieving for the lost Father, Brother, Sister, Mother, Child.  

But I will never forget the day before-about three weeks earlier, my team of Doctors had put a device in my Spinal Column-its one goal was to "fool" the Pain signals going to my brain-and it worked like a charm for a while.  Unknown to me, my body was rejecting the device-and a massive Staph Infection was rapidly spreading up my Spinal Column!

I hadn't felt well for about a week-the Pain was getting worse and on Sept. 09th-I woke my husband up from a hard sleep, telling him to get me to a hospital fast!  The Doctor who saw me must have known something was terribly wrong and yet he could not "touch me" because I had been through recent surgery for the device installation.  God was really watching over me because that Doctor gave me a massive shot of Antibiotics-which bought me precious hours as we were now on a race to save my life. 

We saw my Pain Doctor on Sept. 10th-I could barely sit up, normally when I see her, its hard to keep me quiet because I enjoy chatting away with her.  Not this time-I had a very low blood pressure and truly felt like I was down for the final count.  My husband sat nearby and watched as she took a large needle and drew fluid out from the area near the device-I got a quick look at her face, and it said everything!  My husband looked white as a sheet, and my Doctor rushed to phone a specialty Surgeon-I still recall her telling him-"I need you to get here just as fast as you can!"

Everything else is a blur-I do know those Doctors operated on me through the night, and had to take me back into surgery within days as they feared the Infection was trying to spread again.  All the veins in my Body had shut down and a Tube had to be run through a vein going from my arm to my heart so I could be given life-saving Medications.  I spent 8 long days in that hospital, and my life had changed.  Recovery took years, yes Years flew by before I felt like living again.

God had also made sure to surround me with some very special Angels-the nurses who were helping my Doctor that long ago day as they too watched me being rolled into surgery, knowing just how close I was to Death.  Many years later I learned they held hands and formed a Circle of Prayer- asking God to watch over me and help me recover, but secretly thought they had seen the last of me.

So much has happened in my life since that long ago day-I had another serious brush with Death, due to a unknown Infection and that too was a long fight back to me enjoying life again. As I sit here typing my memories out-I am struck with one amazing Fact~~~

A group of Women stood in a Circle of Prayer for Me-my life was spared! 
Now, God has blessed me with some special Prayer Partners~~~
Veronica, Diane, Betty, Lolita-and me

We are five Women who hold hands across the Internet world and formed a special
~~~~~~~ Circle of Love~~~~~~~

So tomorrow I will see my amazing Doctor again-and remind her of that long ago day-I have a gift for her but I realize, there is nothing I could ever give her to truly express how grateful I am for her skilled hands
and loving Heart!

Thank you God-I am happy to be here... Pain or no Pain!!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I feel Helpless~~~~~~

A dear friend of mine is fighting for her life-she is seriously ill from complications following surgery and as the days wear on, the news gets worse.  Her body is so weak-and yet another surgery is needed.  I keep in touch with her husband daily and our conversation today was heart-breaking-I could hear the sadness in his voice, the depth of worry that his precious wife might not be able to pull through this illness.

I wanted to give words to comfort him-offer hope-anything that might lift him up, but I struggled to find 
them and suddenly, they came to me~~

I told him "This is Between Your Wife and God Now" all we can do is pray for God's will to be done.
Tears flowed for both of us-I love these two people and wish there was more I could do.  

Bad things will happen-its called Life.

Don't be afraid to approach someone you know who is going through a rough time, the words of kindness you offer might be just what they need to get through the next minute, hour, or day.  

We can help each other-I believe that is what God wants us to do.

God be with all who are suffering.  I am praying for you.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Seeing Pain through my Eyes~~~~~

"If you only knew"

I am struggling today-my heart is jumbled up with sadness and anger!  Yes-I am angry at this invisible foe of mine called Chronic Pain-but there is new Anger as I deal with the news of a dear friend-seriously ill from a major surgery, hoping to get better and leave the hospital.  But life has a way of turning on a dime-major complications arose and she is headed back to the hospital, facing additional Surgery, with major concerns as to all her body has been through.    

If you only knew how Helpless I feel-all I can do is call her husband to share words with him on the phone, my heart breaks as I hear fear in his voice-he is also wrapped up with feeling Helpless.  Today I pulled my aching body out of bed, rushing to our church so I could ask our Priest to Pray for this dear lady and her loving husband.  I lean on the power of Prayer-knowing it does work-God hears every word we speak in prayer and right now, all I can do is Let Go and Let God take over!

I needed something to distract me from the Fire burning up and down my leg-  my husband knew the perfect spot-a nearby Craft Store!  New ideas of Embroidery work seemed to be whirling around me as I flew through the store, grabbing Thread, patterns, and fabric.  A sales clerk saw me leaning against a table, as I worked to stretch my burning leg, and asked if I needed help-
Yeh, find me a new leg, turn sixteen years of time back and pull me away from a stupid tree!

 I assured her all was well and headed to the check-out isles, wanting only to find my husband and head for home. But one final stop was needed, the dreaded Grocery Store-as I noticed my husband keeping a safe distance near me, his silent way of letting me know "I got your back-we will be out of here Fast!"

This might have been one of our Record Runs through the Food Isles, but I didn't care and suddenly we were walking out the doors-when Pain Showed Up- a man was walking toward us, but there was no way you could call it Walking!  My eyes were fixed on him, one leg moved forward, then took an awkward swing, causing his body to wobble as he struggled for the next step. I couldn't comprehend how hard the struggle must be for this man-his look probably holds the same words

If You only Knew how Helpless I feel

we drove home in silence-I turned to God and prayed

Please God, Please help my friend, her loving husband, the stranger who passed my way and Please help me and please watch over all who must fight the battle of Chronic Pain.

God Bless you.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Its Okay to Ask for Help~~~~~~

Wait just a second-did I really type those words, Its Okay to Ask For Help? Yep-the words finally came out after another wicked battle with Pain! It feels like Pain had a real Party with my Body and yet stood Waiting to see if I could pull myself up and stagger back to the Pain Arena.
Part of me feels like the first Rocky Movie Character-beaten to a pulp and all I want to do is scream 

"Help, for the love of God, Somebody Make this Pain Go Away!"

The last few days have been horrendous-when living with Chronic Pain, you get in a pattern of sorts-as you work through each Battle, thinking "Okay-that was Rough, so it can't Get any Worse" and before I can find a few moments to relax, here is PAIN-pulling at me, new parts of my body now throbbing, the leg is so weak- I am walking with a Limp, and Sleep has become a Joke-I  want to yell at this Pain
 "Go Away, just Go Away and leave me Be!"  

I did everything possible to stay Busy-working on my Embroidery, reading, computer browsing-but nothing 
was working-the day wore on and I could feel my spirits sinking-like quicksand surrounded me and I was not getting out of this mess, unless I let my "tough it out" Guard down to ask for Help!

My husband would do anything possible to take this Pain from me, but he too is reduced to watching from the sidelines, knowing all he can do is Pray. The Battle is messy-I wonder if my husband is starting to see real signs of Battle Fatigue in me- after all, I am not any different from others-we are all  very human and Frail at times.  Finally I found my way out of the Quicksand-I didn't need an invisible Stick to pull me out-just my Words-as I looked up from my Computer Screen and saw~~~

Pain Won't Beat Me

I grabbed my cellphone to call a childhood friend-she answered and I spoke those needed words-
"Listen, I am Okay-well not really, this Pain is giving me a Thrashing-So if you aren't too Busy, I just need to talk for a few minutes---I am so Tired of Hurting all the Time!"
She listened with Love- knowing how hard it is for me to ask for Help, and gave me the Best gift-

"Martha, you will never let that Pain beat You." 

Joyful Laughter filled the air as we shared precious time together- a silent thought filled my heart, I thanked God for giving me a gentle nudge forward, reminding me 
Its Okay to Ask For Help!

God, Please help all who must live with Chronic Pain each day! 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Dragging Pain around can be a real Drag~~~~

You know Fun has flown out the door when its 3:00am and Pain is having a massive party with my Leg!  This is how it goes-no way to get around it.  The injection helped at first-as I have said, it took the Pain down to a  manageable level, giving me room to breathe for a while.  Its hard for people to understand Pain Injections-they should seem like a magical Cure of sorts, and for many who are suffering with Chronic Pain, there can be amazing results-they are the lucky ones

I am not one of those people-years of Scar Tissue building up, choking my Sciatic Nerve so there is no relief in sight and Pain seems determined to get all of me.  Last night my dear husband stayed "in the battle" with me, he rubbed my leg-never saying a word-it was obvious he was determined to hit the Nerve, hoping it would give me a few seconds of blessed relief!

But the Sciatic Nerve is crafty- there are moments when I can feel a Quick Ease of the Burn-but suddenly the Sciatic Nerve moves around-like its going into a special hiding spot-telling me "Let it go Martha-You know how things work."  Finally we both gave up the battle,  exhaustion settled in, allowing me a few precious hours of sleep, but it seemed  Pain had been given a load of extra energy as I crawled out of bed-my leg throbbing and burning, almost a reaction of Anger being sent my way that we had dared mess with the Sciatic Nerve!

So I drug my body around today, refusing to let the Pain keep me down.  But in all honesty-I did a pretty poor job of dragging around as I made feeble attempts to clean house, do laundry-having to stop numerous times so I could pull myself back into the Battle area. These are the days when I don't want to Fight back-
but as I sit at my desk and look up to see my words
hanging on the wall

~~~~~~~PAIN WON'T BEAT ME~~~~~~~~

I take a very deep breath, ask God to help me and then I keep moving. Its okay to have these days where 
all we can do is drag around-but I refuse to let this Pain take me all the way down!

God be with all who are living with Chronic Pain, help them in the dark hours of Pain.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

It only takes a second~~~~

We go about our daily lives-following usual routines and suddenly, our world is jolted as we hear news about a friend whose husband is seriously ill and in desperate need of prayer.  We are hit with reality
It only took a few Seconds for this to Happen-what if it had been our loved one?
 We understand the heartache that comes when a loved one is seriously ill and stop what we are doing,
 to say simple words of prayer-
Please God Help this person get well!

This happened recently to a dear friend of mine, I felt compelled to reach out through my blog, asking for  prayers, not caring who said them, I knew Prayer was needed for this man!  God hears each word we utter in prayer and I was thrilled to hear news of improved health as he fights back from illness that almost took him.  My heart tells me God is not finished with him yet!
For all who prayed, thank you so much!  Sometimes all we need say are a few simple words
"God please help us" can be the most powerful prayer spoken.

~~~~~I will just think about Pain tomorrow~~~~~~
This is my Scarlet O'Hara way of ignoring my Pain that has been barking at me again-so I decided to try a
 new activity, adding pictures to my computer- thrilled to complete it with the simple push of a button,
 a Slide Show was on the screen!  All I could think was "Wow, that only took a few seconds to do!"  Pictures ranged from me as a infant, teenage years, my beautiful wedding day, and suddenly,
Pain Photos showed up-the worst reminder possible-
 "It only took a Second for my life to change forever."

I sat in silence, as I went back to that awful day "Why did I make such a Stupid Mistake?" For whatever reason,  I stopped short of falling into the Blame Martha Pit.  Instead the words came easier, 
Martha-You had a really Bad Accident- plain and simple.
 Tears were starting to flow when I heard the familiar voice of my husband-who had been standing at the doorway, taking everything in, as he spoke-
"It must Hurt like crazy for you to See those last few pictures."

He sat down beside me and both of us knew-Life goes on, no matter what the situation is in our lives.  If my Daddy was still here, his words would be tougher, urging me on
"Sister, you just have to pull yourself up, dust the dirt off and keep moving!"

It only takes a Second for our lives to change, but by the grace of God-I will keep walking the Path
put in front of me.  Yes I will stumble-but getting back up is worth the effort!

I pray for all who fight the war of Chronic Pain.