I Just Leaned Over~~~~

~~~~~Strong Shoulder to Lean On~~~~~

There are times when I lean against my Husband's strong Shouder~~where we are Happy and Pain is forced to linger in the  background.   I cherish these moments~~knowing they are fleeting, as many "different Leaning Moments" have joined us and sometimes come swift, shaking us to the reality of Chronic  Pain.   

I run these over in my mind~~Suddenly leaning my head on his shoulder  during Church--my Neck is screaming--I need a soft place to lay my head as it feels like a huge chunk of Brick sits on my shoulders and I am weary of holding it  up.    Moments as we arrive home from me having a procedure done to ease  Pain~~~I rise from the vehicle, ready to take short steps to our front door---suddenly I must  stop and Lean my weary body against those  Shoulders, taking a  deep breath as  I  dig deep for  a bit of strength--determined to show PAIN~~I am still here!

Pain has its way of Grabbing my attention~~last night was a big night for Pain--I leaned over to turn a water faucet on~~suddenly feeling as if a Knife had been driven into my back!   My husband heard me Moan--waves of Pain hitting me.  This time I  needed all his strength to  help me find a place to sit~~~but it hit me some humor was needed-- "How about me trying that again!"  

Awful Pain, long night, strong shoulders, and Faith in the One Above--as  we gave words of Thanks

that I could still move,laugh, and live.   

Pain is consuming me!

Lately the days seem to be one big Blur of Pain stacked upon Pain~~~I wonder why everything hurts so  much and it  hits me--"My Pain is out of Control!"  Here I  am-complaining about one Pain upon another~~my husband hears the majority of  my down moments and simply talking helps me to move   past the throbbing.  

Why does talking Help?   The answer is not difficult to understand--somebody takes time out to truly LISTEN~~~we all need to be heard,  for me it comes with strong Shoulders, big  Heart, and Patient  Ears--my husband has all  of  this and more.    As my voice  slows  down, I  notice  Pain is settling down into a familiar pattern--one I have lived with now for many years.

I make sure to say "Thank You" to my husband--this is no cake walk for  him either and he needs  to know his wife is still here--ragged down by Pain, but still able to smile, laugh,cry and Gently hug!!!

We are learning how important  the "little things" can be~~~

My prayers are with all  who suffer with Pain.  

martha

'Was it our Fault?"

Gentle tap on my aching shoulder gets my attention--I slowly turn and see a familiar face, an old friend has settled behind me at church.  Worry  lines  her face as the words fly "I have to know something~~~you mentioned a Tree being the reason  you are in such Pain!   Remember when you helped us cut a Big Tree down~~~Was that when all this happened? Please tell me, Please!"

Silence hung between us,  the memory flying back~"Oh that Tree--yes I recall helping you cut it down--and I also remember laying on the ground, my lungs  begging  for air--realizing I had met  my match by trying to work with you!"   I felt a deep ache inside--"No--it took another Tree to do all this damage~~nobody's fault but my own!"

Aged Eyes filled with Tears--her hand lightly caressing my shoulder--no words needed.  Compassion poured and I drank it  in.  Two women~~bound together by friendship and the memory of Trees.

Chronic Pain~~~a teaching tool?

My moments of escaping Chronic Pain are few~~happening only when I sleep peacefully on  a procedure table as My Pain Management Doctor  works  a bit of magic on my aching body.  New Pain terms keep arriving "Herniated  Disc in Neck, Degenerative Disc Disease" as I  shake my head slowly~~knowing a sudden movement  now  brings extra Pain.

We never know how our words will impact another~~as I arrived at the Pain Clinic, quickly checking  in, signing familiar  papers, the Receptionist watching carefully so every box  needed  is  checked--stops turning papers--"My kids were spending the weekend with my Parents.  When I got there to pick  them up, Grandma tells me the kids are climbing the huge Tree in the backyard!   All I  could  see in my mind was You, I screamed at them to get out of the tree and held my breath until  they were  safe  on the ground!"

She was rattled--worried I might be offended~~~but just the opposite as I  said "Thank You!"  We sat in silence and I  had to  ask how she felt when seeing her kids  up in a tree~~~words failed her and I  helped--"A Mom Never wants to see her child  suffering"  Tears were coming to the surface as I walked toward the doors of "Pain Relief"  she found her inner voice~~~
~~"Thank  You for being so strong--going beyond your Pain as your words help us learn"~~

Yes-Chronic Pain  can be a  teaching Tool--all I had to do was open up and share.  We never know when someone is  really listening.

For all who  struggle to find their way through Chronic Pain~~please know you are Not alone.

martha

Is This how it Feels?

Internet Image of Nerve Pain

Nerve Pain can feel as if an Army of Ants are attached to your body with an intense Burning never easing.  My Sciatic Nerve was injured when I fell from a tree, severe bruising, Scar Tissue formed---end result, I live with a terrible Burning Pain going up and down my leg.  

People ask  "How do you cope with so much Pain?"  My answer is simple "I take it one day---one moment at a time."  Chronic Pain does not make me stronger than the next person.  Bad things can happen in our life--plain and simple!  The coping "tools" come in many forms-my Faith in knowing HE is beside me through this-having blessed me with a husband who rides the journey with me.

I am just one of many people living with Chronic Pain -- wishing the "Stinging Ants" would go away.    Martha

Hard Lessons at the Pain Clinic~~~~~~

Another visit to my Pain Doctor--seems I have hit a WALL--the intense burning has become unbearable--I just want it to Go Away--but reality tells me "Not going to Happen" so here  I am-seeking relief in the early hours, the waiting room already filled-my husband grabs the last two chairs---we both know this will be a  long day.   

A quick sign-in and the Pain Watch begins~~obvious suffering shows its ugly face--a woman appears to be so sleep-deprived, rubbing her back,  twisting in the chair as she struggles to find relief.  We sit near an older man who is very involved  in his IPAD, I think to myself--"good means of distraction from the Pain" --something pushes me to find out which game he is playing.   He calls it the Word Game~~tells me his daughter beats him all the time~~~but he smiles with joy at the memory.  His next words held the Hard Lesson "Well I am not into the games, but I have Alzheimer's and the Doctor tells me it  will help  "Slow" the worst part of this illness--so I play the game!"

There is an uncomfortable silence in the room~~~people have compassion~~but none of us want to walk in this man's shoes.  I ask how long he has been coming to our Pain Doctor~~"Oh,lets see--about  Five years now--she is wonderful.   How about you?"   It feels like all eyes are on me-waiting to hear my answer~~"For me, its been 18 years." The words hang there~~now he is looking at me as his question comes tumbling out- 

"What happened to you?"  I glanced at my husband, gaining courage to speak "Well--all I can say is Never  Climb a tree and fall out of it!"

Pain comes in many forms, bringing Suffering to so many.   Today I asked God to Please help this Man walk the Journey that waits for him.  

martha

4th of July--

Matt with his dear Mom

This photo says it all~~ the Love a Son has for his Mother shines with such glorious beauty and yes, my dear Matt truly adored his Mom--we all loved her and the years we had with her passed all too quick.  

None of us knew what lay ahead on July 04th,1990~~~

the phone ringing in the dark hours of that day, a detective looking for Matt, my heart leaping with fear that something had happened to him.  Another call from Matt brought a nightmare to our family--a young man had broken into her home, ransacked the house, finally stepping on an Alarm Pad in her bathroom--and Aggie woke to face her final moments on this Earth. The man beat her terribly, and stabbed her six times.  As these words appear on my computer screen, my heart is back to that awful day--Grief surrounded us, engulfed us, we were robbed of a precious woman who loved her children deeply.

So much of that day seems to be like a fog--everyone kept moving, all her children grown adults who never dreamed they would face such heartbreak~~~we moved through a beautiful funeral service, so many Priests there to pay their deepest respects--Aggie was working at the age of 79, cooking for a group of Priests and she loved it!  

As the service ended, the lead Priest spoke words that have stayed with me all these years--he asked us to all rise~~ his voice quivering as he said "A great Lady is passing by us today-She is so worthy of our Respect!"

Yes the man who took Aggie from us is in prison for the rest of his life---we all struggled to find our way, it would have been so easy to slide to bitterness--but then we all recalled what Aggie would say "You have to Forgive this person" and we prayed hard, long, lonely prayers---but we found our way there.  If we had chosen to stay eaten up with anger--an even heavier price would have been paid and this family has suffered terribly~~a crime of violence does not leave your memory.

Each of her children dealt with the loss of their Mom---ups and downs. We all sat through a horrible court trial two years later-reliving a time we will never forget..

When I think of Aggie-the first thing I see is her loving Smile, I hear that glorious voice, laughing and living each moment to the fullest.  God gave me two amazing Gifts----I am blessed to have Aggie's son as my dear Husband, and then I was blessed with Aggie--she was so much more than a Mom-in-law!  We had a loving friendship and I learned so much about Faith, Prayer, Love, 

and being strong in the toughest of times.  

We seem to do better each year--just a little bit---and now we can sit together and share memories of Aggie--laughing with delight!   I know Aggie is smiling with heavenly Joy.  

Thank you God--Aggie was one of a kind.  

Martha