Spending time in my garage with Pain.....

Spending time in a garage while my Pain rages does not sound like a place of comfort, quiet relaxation time and surroundings that encourage peace of mind. But, strange as this sounds, my garage has suddenly become the perfect oasis as I unwind and draw my second breath of air in this constant battle against Chronic Pain. Most people consider a garage to be filled with tools, long forgotten oil spills from the old car, dust in every corner, and items stuffed here and there.

We began bringing our garage alive when our son was in high school. We had the idea to bring it to life and create a teenage game room. After months of tireless remodeling...adding extra electrical lines, bringing in heating and air conditioning, painting, and putting down new flooring so those oil spills would not show...finally, we had a first-class game room, filled with everything from a stereo with audio sub-woofer speakers that literally made the walls dance from sound vibrations of teen age music to a bumper pool table, foosball, video arcade machine and, of course, a soda machine that never stayed filled! Now the once dusty and lonely garage shined from head to toe and was filled with the laughter of young teenagers simply having fun. But this was not to last long as time marched on, and our son graduated from high school and headed to college.

Now the game room became my new craft room, a place where I could create floral wreaths, sew beautiful Christmas table coverings, and try my hand at a game of Bumper Pool. I found myself quickly relaxing and being able to get my mind away from the Pain. But a parent has a deep child antenna built in. Before we knew it, our son was back from college, saying it was not for him. I said goodbye to my craft room because it turned into a bedroom for our son. Now instead of everything being clean, orderly and neat, chaos was all around with clothes piled on the floor, half-eaten pizza laying on a plate for days, and video games spread everywhere!  

Life can change so fast, and we realized the time had arrived to dig deep within ourselves and find our "Commando Parenting Tools." Soon we pushed our son out of his comfort zone and insisted that he get a job and learn how to take care of himself. We all got through it. The battle scars are buried deep within us. Months later, I found myself back, facing my lonely garage/game room/bedroom, wondering if I could ever enjoy the peace and quiet it once offered me.

Through my husband, a new path was opened for my garage. He began to turn it into an office for me, equipped with a lovely desk, laptop computer, printer, scanner, stereo speakers...everything I needed so my blogging could move along and hopefully the PAIN would subside a bit.  

At first, I fought against the idea of an office, not realizing how peaceful it can be. But now it's my oasis. As I look around, I see familiar photos hanging on the wall, curtains framing the windows, and a huge wood rocking chair by the window, inviting me to sit for a while, look outside and simply relax and take time to break away from the constant raging Pain inside my Body. Here is my place to draw deep from within myself, knowing I can still fight back at this Pain while nurturing myself as I write or simply look outside at nature.  

My lonely garage has finally found its true destination–my place of solace and joy. Now I look up to the Lord, thanking Him for each day, no matter how tough things might seem at times. Who knows, maybe your garage is looking for a new path, too!

The constant reminder of Pain

It's been a while since my fingers hit the keys to do any blogging. That's because I have been going through a new type of Pain, called "Frequent Dentist Visits." Let me be the first to say, It is no fun! But I have been blessed to find a wonderful, caring dentist who has been patient and understanding of my Chronic Pain and very careful not to add anymore "extra" Pain to the table.

Chronic Pain is such a constant presence in my life that I have to find ways to deal with it. Sometimes I simply have to put it out of my mind for awhile. This usually works, and it's nice to take a mental break of sorts from the battle I must wage daily against Pain. My mind had definitely been off my regular Pain because I've had to deal with the New Pain from dental work. I'd actually forgotten about the Big Pain until I came face to face with a tough reminder of just how vicious Pain can be.

My husband took me out for an easy dinner of soft food at a local eatery. As I sat munching away on soft mashed potatoes and carrots, my attention was drawn to a table filled to the brim with three young girls and their grandparents. I sat and watched at how they visited with each other. One bigger sister jumped up to take the youngest sister to the bathroom while the oldest sister laughed and joked with her grandparents. This was probably one of their last big outings before school starts. Packages sat all around them, probably filled with some special new outfit Grandma had purchased for them. It was a beautiful moment to watch and see this loving family treasuring time together. Pain was the last thing on my mind that day, and I had no intention of giving it any attention. 

But Pain is determined to a fault, demanding to have its moment in the light. Suddenly, I was jerked back to reality because–as the family began preparing to leave the eatery and the girls gathered up their to-go boxes of food–my eyes frozen on the Grandmother. I saw her struggling against this vicious enemy inside her bones–Pain! Each movement made by her took tremendous effort with her being cautious to make no sudden moves that would cause Pain to roar and take the joyous smile away that framed her face. Each girl stood in silence, as if already knowing how hard it was for their Grandmother to move around. And yet something tells me they had a huge sense of pride swelling in their hearts for this loving woman. It was a moment of silent suffering that hit me so hard and served to let me know...Chronic Pain is constantly there, and it will always grab your attention.

Sadness began to fill me, and then suddenly I stopped to remind myself of the words I try to live by: "Find just one moment in each day for Joy." Instantly, I knew my Joy was given to me on this day as I witnessed this family moment. I said a silent prayer for the Grandmother and saw her finally stand up straight and tall, reaching for the youngest girl's hand as they all strolled out together. 

Pain did not ruin the day for this family. They gave me a beautiful reminder of why we must keep fighting back against the Pain. Life is precious, and we need not lose anymore of ourselves to Pain than we have to. I pray you keep finding your moment of Joy as you wage through your own battle. Please know I say a prayer for you each day and hope you will say one for me. 

The "Gift" of blogging through the Pain

When I began this blog months ago, there were no real expectations of what might come my way from doing a blog about Chronic Pain. My writing started, and it was filled with my daily battle against this enemy that I can't see but feel 24 hours a day. Slowly, I found my blogging beginning to reach past myself as I encountered other people in my life. I could see they, too, were suffering with Chronic Pain, and my heart ached for them. I would get sad if somebody didn't "comment" on my blog, kind of like giving me that pat on the back, saying "good job, keep it up." I found myself wanting to quit, but something spurred me on, and I have kept this blog going. I might not blog as often, but a thought or feeling will hit me, and I can't get to my computer quick enough to put words down as I open my heart and pour out what I am feeling.  


Little did I know there was a very special "gift" coming my way via my blog. A special person left her comment one day, and it touched me deeply. As the months went by, she would leave a comment, and I was brave enough to respond back and thank her for the caring words she left me. A unique bond was forming, unknown to both of us, a friendship was growing between us, and it felt like we had already known each other for years. She has her own blog, and I have recently begun to read it and am becoming one of her followers, as the phrase go. We have been forming a "WI-FI"friendship and discussed the hope of meeting each other one day.  


Today the "Gift" arrived, and we finally met via  a simple phone call. It was wonderful! Without doubt, we have formed a bond that will last through the years. Out of the deepest physical suffering Chronic Pain brings to us daily, something caring and beautiful has grown past the suffering! A blessing no doubt this is, and we lift each other up daily in prayer. We might not be able to fix each other's pain, but sharing and talking about our struggles is wonderful.  


I am always looking for just one moment of joy each day, and it was a phone conversation with my good friend. Pain did not win any victory today. I urge each of you to keep fighting, keep looking past the Pain, and I pray you find your own special moment of joy. My prayers are with you.

Worn down by the fight against Pain

Being in the boxing ring with Pain is a full-time job which does not allow for even a second  of catching your breath, stepping away from Pain and re-grouping your fighting tools, so when the bell rings to say "Another round is here; get in and let's rumble" you are physically and mentally ready to march back into the ring. Here lies the problem for people who suffer with Chronic Pain: it's not that simple in thinking there is only one fight a week lined up. Instead, it's an invisible line of Pain, standing there waiting to step up and throw everything Pain can toss at you, showing no mercy or care for the tremendous toll it takes on the body, mind and spirit.

I look in the mirror and do not see "me" as I once did. Yes, I know aging is a factor, but for those of us who are fighting Chronic Pain on a 24-hour basis, the battle scars show up fast! Dark circles under the eyes that are filled to the brim with sadness that can't be spoken so easily to others. If I tell somebody my night was very rough and that I couldn't sleep, they look at me like I'm from outer space or something. The perception is that everybody should be able to sleep through the night and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle another day. Pain is not forgiving. All it wants is to rob your body and thrash you to the ground, throw wave upon wave of wicked Pain at you and laugh as Pain sees a person brought to their knees, sobbing with such heartache from their personal fight with this thing called Chronic Pain.

So the next time you come in contact with somebody who is in the Chronic Pain Club, please give them a moment of your heart and give them a soft cushion of love to fall on. Just listen to them and step away from the helplessness you might feel in thinking there is nothing you can do to help.  Showing another human genuine love and affection is the best medicine for those who are in the fight of their lives. We will gladly take the smallest pebble of compassion and hold it tight inside us because you then realize, "I am not alone in this." And by the grace of God, I can dig deeper and find another ounce of super-human courage to keep fighting back.

There are many days on the Pain road where we think joy will never be attainable to us again. But with love from others and simple prayers offered up to help us get through another day of rotten Pain, we then can smile. We can smile for a few moments, exhale and take a deep breath and then dive right back into the Ring of Pain.  

I have a blogging friend who has recently hit that wall of stone that silently waits for us to slam into. I keep repeating this simple truth: "Remember, you were here before Pain showed up in your life" so keep hanging in there and take it one day at a time.

My prayers go out to all who must fight back at Chronic Pain, and keep looking up for joy. It's out there. Maybe not in big amounts but in this journey, the smallest amount of true joy can carry us a long distance in our fight. 

Is there one perfect way to cure Pain?

In the sixteen years of my journey with Chronic Pain, it is a true statement to say that I have lost count of the many suggestions offered by caring people wanting to see this misery I carry with me go away. Their motives are pure because, in all honesty, it is uncomfortable for us to see our fellow human beings suffering with the silent monster we call Chronic Pain. People whom I have known for years have come up to me and told me, "You look like there's nothing wrong so what's going on with you?"

At first, I was angry. But then I realized it does no good to let anger rule. So I began the process of trying to put a face to my particular Pain and within seconds, it was obvious nobody understood when I talked about scar tissue wrapping around the sciatic nerve and how the burning feeling of fire going down my leg and landing at my foot, never stopping to give me a second to catch my breath but instead taking over my leg and trashing it out with Pain. How can you tell someone about the heating pad burn marks on your back because I would finally fall asleep in exhaustion from nights of Pain upon Pain, not realizing the heating pad was still on and cooking my backside.

Finally a day came while I was at church, waiting for services to begin, and in a small area where I helped the priest get ready for the service, and didn't realize I had been physically hitting my upper thigh area over and over again. A nice gentleman was in the room and asked me, "Isn't there something you can do to make that Pain go away?" It wasn't the statement he made, but deep frustration inside me that opened a desk drawer to grab a small tiny hammer and started pounding away on my leg! I felt so foolish, and his look was saying "she really has lost her grip." All I wanted to do was cry in desperation, but I held my emotions in check and made light of what he had witnessed.

It's hard enough fighting the battle of Chronic Pain, let alone learning to be a mini-version of a doctor, prepared with all your own personal documentation so you can explain "the problem" and then try to justify why so many different types of treatment for Chronic Pain do not help always. Let's be honest–each person is different. No Pain battle is the same; we each have areas of our body that hurt more, various levels of nerve damage to our legs, back, feet, shoulders. You name it, and one way or another, Pain can get to any part it hasn't reached yet.

I will never stop a person from offering their suggestions about my Chronic Pain treatment because they are taking the time to care, face my Pain up close and see what toll it takes.  One good friend tells me, "Your face always tells me what type of day you are having. The Pain really does show." She is right. I am unable to cover the dark circles under my eyes or the bone weary look inside them, or the slower walk I take when Pain is on the run, dragging me along with it.

If there were just one perfect way to cure Pain, I believe there would be a Line of Chronic Pain suffering people that would stretch for miles, all lining up to grab hold of the perfect cure! If we can give ourselves a moment to think past the Pain, we might see how people are being educated by us because not everyone can describe with perfect clarity which Pain medication helps, what anti-inflammatory drug works, where the great Pain Management Clinics are at and all the various Pain conditions we either deal with or learn about from others walking this same Path we are on.

My hope is for all those suffering with Chronic Pain to be in the driver's seat with you being the leader. Pain does not like to be ruffled, dulled, moved around, and certainly never likes to be wiped out. So give your Pain a run for its money. Fight with everything you have, dealing with the Pain issue at hand, and not losing precious energy in the hunt for a perfect cure. For me, I simply look up and ask His help. Do not be afraid to ask people you know to Pray for you. Thank them, walk away and who knows, you might be surprised at the results of that one simple request, "Please pray for me," powerful and humble words from the heart.

Hang in there to all who are suffering. Keep fighting back so you find a simple moment of joy. Today I was able to make a grocery store trip and my joy came when I saw my dear husband trying to balance two watermelons, one determined to fall out of his grip, but he made it. It was a fun moment!

God bless every person battling with Chronic Pain. Please know there is a prayer said by me each night for all of you!

Everybody has to struggle, some more than others

Living with Chronic Pain is like having a "monkey" that does a wicked dance on your back all the time, and it gets old–fast! Yet everyday life is all around us, and no matter what, we must make some attempt to keep moving. I have a dear friend whose husband suffers terribly from Chronic Pain and it's almost as if we have become "Pain Wi-Fi Linked." That's because I can be having a wicked day of Pain and will call to check on him...yep, he is hurting just as bad, if not worse. My heart aches for him, and we always end our conversation by telling each other "hang in there, remember I am praying for you." And somehow, without it being spoken, we know those prayers are being said and, more importantly, are being heard. It gives us a breath of hope to keep pushing on through the pain. I can tell when the weather is getting ready to change, long before it ever gets here. If a storm is beginning to stir, the barometric pressure rising makes my Pain soar through the roof, and it does not let up until the weather finally hits. My Pain friend is exactly the same, which makes one realize how amazing the human body is. Long ago, injuries to my body that can predict weather changes is something I did not plan for, and there are times when I feel like calling the local TV weather people and telling them, "You have it wrong! Just ask my leg and back. Now this is when the weather is really going to arrive!"


Another friend I met through blogging shares with me how intense her Pain gets, so much that even ordinary chores like getting the groceries out of the car forces her to leave some bags for later as it's all she can do to get inside and stop. She is doing everything humanly possible to cope with such horrible Pain. She is another Prayer partner because I pray each night for her, and she prays for me. One might think this is not that much help, but in the darkest hours of the night, when the house is silent and it's just you and Pain, every single moment of Prayer is vital in holding on. For me, it keeps me fighting, staying determined to keep Pain from taking every single bit of me away. After all, I was here before Pain stepped into my life, and I am going to stay!


So for all of you who must suffer with this thing called Chronic Pain, keep pushing forward and cherish each small victory you achieve, no matter what it is. A short walk, doing the dishes, bringing in just one bag of groceries, going to a movie...just keep looking UP and reaching for your moment of Joy. It's worth the struggle. You are always in my prayers.

This DAY is always tough

The Fourth of July is usually a day of picnics, fun and firework displays. Simply a day in which we relax and, hopefully at some point in the day, give THANKS for all this country has.

I feel all those things and MORE on this particular day because it also brings a very painful reminder for my husband and myself. On July 4, 1990, an intruder broke into the home of my 80-year-old mother-in-law and proceeded to stab her six times and beat her terribly. She passed from this earth within minutes of the first initial stab wound, and she did NOT deserve to die such a death.

Within an hour of this horrendous crime, the suspect was caught and two years later given the death penalty for his sentence. Sixteen years later, we received a call that he had been granted a new trial and there we sat again, fearing to face all those memories played out in a courtroom. By the grace of God and countless prayers, just days before a new trial was scheduled to start, he confessed to numerous other crimes and agreed to a life sentence in prison.

NO, it does not make up for the loss of this wonderful woman who was so much more to me than a mother-in-law; she was my dear friend. I miss her each day and can't truly begin to understand how hard it is for my husband, but we have found our way through this by leaning on God and each other. She would want us to keep moving and also to try hard and work on forgiveness. That one...it's not easy to do, plain and simple.

So today I noticed my back and leg pain seemed worse, and as the day wore on, I kept wondering WHY. Where was this added Pain coming from? A dear friend of mine had dropped by to help me with my computer, and we heard fireworks go off. Knowing how dry our land is due to this severe drought, concern arose quickly about a fire. Luckily, the sounds stopped fast, and she made a comment about this always happening on the Fourth of July. It hit me like a ton of bricks because TODAY long ago was a NIGHTMARE day, and I commented to her about it. Her reaction was so comforting, and the fact she was here helping me stay busy said everything.

My husband and I haven't talked about this day much. After all, we both KNOW what is on our minds. All the words in the world can't undo what happened. But as we continue through our lives together, we hear other horrible stories of people losing their loved ones to a vicious and senseless crime. Being a victim of crime is never easy, but you keep moving.

I pray for all those lost to senseless acts of crime and for their families. But most especially on this day, I pray for my husband and his family, that our Lord will continue working in their lives and helping each one of them to cope as best they can. Life is never easy. Things come at you quickly and hard. Maybe the TEST is seeing how we cope with these tough trials, and in turn how we then can maybe help someone else facing the same heartbreak.

God bless.