When can I Scream at the Pain?

When haven't I screamed at  Pain during all these years of my body aching and throbbing each day?  I have yelled about it, cursed it, raged with a torrent of  words that start running together, not making sense, because my rage is flowing out so fast, I simply can't put the words together!  All I do is rant until there is nothing left inside me, no air to fill my lungs for the rage to continue-and the protective wall around me starts to fall as I collapse in tears-tears that I fight with every fiber inside to keep from flowing to the surface.

Sure I know its okay to cry, actually very helpful to let all those emotions out-but tears bring a certain type of fear to my heart-as I find myself so afraid that if I finally Cry-perhaps it will be the beginning of me feeling  the strength I have held for so long to fight against Pain breaking down.  The logic in my brain speaks and says "Well Martha-maybe its time for you and Pain to give each other a break in this battle!"  Sad to say, that logic doesn't last very long-as I know my Pain will not leave my body-so I must hang in there for the long haul, no matter how tired and worn down I get.

The past few days have been Rough, Pain seeming to have somehow found that "Hammer" and  giving my leg a beating that finds me begging for relief.  Today was one of my worst days-and the only coping tool I could come up with was to take a ride with my husband, hoping to just get my mind off the Pain, knowing I can't forget it-but instead trying hard to focus on the Spring Beauty that surrounds us now here in the Texas Hill Country.  Wildflowers are more beautiful this year-as we have endured such a long drought period and all you can do when seeing them is smile and give praise to God for this amazing beauty.

We took our drive, with me having a few good moments but as the day wore on, Pain decided to knock loudly on my leg and remind me, "Guess what, here we go again-you had better hang on for the Ride Pain is taking you on!"  I could not sit still as my husband drove and we both knew, time to head for home, hoping that a long rest on the sofa might help things calm down.  He stopped to get me a soda and as I sat waiting, my anger kept rising- I could feel it growing stronger, with me  wishing there was "something" to help ease my leg down. For whatever reason, I found myself reflecting on a lesson taught to me long ago by my Dad- he told me "Sister-when times come along in life that make you feel like you just can't take it anymore-and you are feeling so sorry for how bad You have it--STOP--look around--this is when you will See Another person who is suffering a hundred times worse than you!  Sister-this is the moment when you Count Your Blessings-thanking God for all you do have!"

Suddenly I turned to see a man trying to work his way toward the store-but his struggle was terrible-as he dragged his leg behind him-Pain was written all over this man-as I could see the suffering he was enduring.  It felt like everything stopped, nobody else was around but me and the man!  I dropped my head in sorrow and shame, telling God "I am sorry for raging on about myself-Forgive me-and please God, I am sorry for being so angry about the Pain that still follows me!"  Then I asked God to please help this man, give him a moment of relief.

It was a mixture of emotions for me at this second in time, as I could almost hear my Dad's lesson, knowing how Much God has blessed me with, and yet the most inner human part of me still ached as I knew, my Pain battle still was there, right beside me as I was given this moment to witness such suffering by another.  My husband had come out of the store, got inside and said these words "Did you see that Man?"

I will be "processing" this day for a while-as I know all my failings-and all I can do is keep trying, perhaps giving myself "permission" to break down and cry-without the fear that tears will take away my courage in this battle with Chronic Pain.  Everything I am-it all comes from God and I choose to Honor Him and my prayers tonight are filled with Thanks to God-as I will always remember  "Yes, I did see that Man."

May God lift up all those suffering with Chronic Pain and hold you in His Loving Arms.

Martha