I sat down and faced my priest yesterday, filled with exhaustion and deep sadness. Then I uttered the words that I hated to speak but knew had to come out: "Pain has really taken a toll on me, and I need HIS help." As soon as I spoke, the tears flowed. It's hard to let my "fight" guard down, but Chronic Pain had been on a roll inside my body. I was just plain tired! My priest assured me the good Lord was always there with me, and it was "okay" to admit everything I was feeling. Then he reminded me of the inner strength he always sees within me.
When Pain gets the upper hand, it can turn into a nightmare that never ends. It feels as if you're running on a wicked treadmill that you can't get off, not even for a few seconds! Chronic Pain doesn't allow even one day off. Instead, it's constantly there, aching, hurting. Pulling you down. Robbing you of needed sleep. Wiping a genuine smile away from your face and replacing it with a Pain-filled smile that asks all who pass, "Do you really think I look happy right now?" I have seen people take one look at me, give a brief greeting and move quickly away because they know it's NOT a good day.
Yes, my Pain truly has the upper hand at the moment. I have wracked my brain for how I can regain control of this battle, and the answers haven't come. So I took a step back and had a honest heart-to-head with myself, taking stock of what lies directly in front of me each day. Yes, my days begin with Pain. It follows me through the day, and my nights end with Pain. That's not very pleasant to admit, but these are the facts I must deal with.
Suddenly, an answer of sorts to my original question of what to do when Pain has taken the upper hand dawned on me: Being truthful about this Pain, admitting this to myself, had actually helped me to understand the picture a bit more clearly. It helped me to realize I am still here. The Pain has not taken me away. I am simply having a lot of horrible days, and I must take moment by moment. I must also reach for that helping hand that my priest gently reminded me about.
This will continue to be a roller-coaster ride of up and down Pain Days for me. I will continue to look upward, asking for help and trusting He will be there for me. People who deal with Chronic Pain on a daily basis are true warriors in my book because we fight a battle that can be very lonely and make us feel like we are truly all alone with the Pain. But remember: you are not alone, ever. Know that from this fellow Chronic Pain partner, you always have a prayer being said for you to find your own way through the lowest of days.
Now how did I manage to find any joy in this day? That answer is easy. My joy came from simply writing this blog today. I pray it is of some help to you. Never forget to look for a simple second of Joy. It can carry you a very long way through your toughest of days as you fight back at the Pain.
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