The demands of Pain

Many years ago, I married the love of my life, and we have been blessed with almost 37 years of marriage. He was in the police academy when our wedding date approached, and I can recall how he kept repeating over and over to me: "Do you really understand what it will be like to be married to a police officer?" A fast "Of course, I understand!" was my response. I was a young 20-year-old woman and nothing seemed impossible or too hard to tackle. What amazing love it took for him to keep pushing these words my way, trying so hard to brace me for what lay ahead. Two months after we married, he graduated from the academy and hit the streets as a full time police officer. This was when his words really hit me. Each time  I would hear of an officer being shot, my first words were "Please, Dear God, don't let it be my husband," knowing all I could do was anxiously wait and pray that his job of protecting the streets would not take him from me.  Then my prayers would start for the unknown wife-who would have to hear the dreaded words of her husband having to pay the ultimate price.

So I learned the "demands" of his being a police officer and began to accept his work almost as if there were an extra "wife of sorts" in the picture. One of my worst moments was to hear him coming in from a night of work and gently telling me, "Two teenagers took some shots at me and my partner last night, but we caught them. They were just kids," as he poured coffee into his cup! That split moment in time has stayed with me as I knew this had been a very close call for him and I thanked God for his "Guardian Angels" being on the job that day.

 But now our roles have been reversed as he watches each day and sees Pain demanding everything it can from my body and spirit. He has stood by me in the worst of times, watched me recover from surgeries, infections and has prayed me back to life many times. But he can't make this Pain go away, and I was not able to give him any "words of advice" on living with Chronic Pain.  Its a fair statement to say in this situation, we had a crash course of "on the job training!"

One day I was fine, enjoying life to its fullest and then I made a terrible mistake by climbing up a tree and falling hard, which opened the door for Pain to start its demands. The frustrations of Pain wanting so much of me sometimes is almost too hard to handle, and I have been humbled by Pain more than I want to admit! To put it simply, Chronic Pain is a force all its own and no matter what I do, there is no way to shake it from my life-its here to stay.

Chronic Pain will continue on-and I am learning new coping skills to keep the Pain at a reasonable level.  It still doesn't make me feel better about having to let go of so much, but I look back and recall those days of "silent worry" as my husband worked.  It took a lot of restraint to not pressure him about his career choice because I knew it would put a terrible strain on our marriage. Now he is the one with his version of "silent fears" as he watches the struggles I must face each day. We have shared much in our marriage-standing by each other as we promised to do all those many years ago, and I am so thankful for God sending me this good man, one who will walk with me, no matter what.

Yes, Pain will always put demands in my path, and I pray for God's Grace to keep guiding me along the way.