Physical work has been part of my life forever. I can vividly recall working with my father as a young child and watching each move he made, hoping I would learn to do the same things one day. I grew up and found how much I loved to work outside, planting a garden, landscaping, mowing the yard. You name it, I'd try to do it.
But all of these were lost to me after my FALL from that tree. There was a streak of determination to NOT give any of my outside treasures up, even though each time I would mow the yard meant days of added PAIN that wore me down. My Pain Management Doctor begged me to STOP mowing because it was only causing me further PAIN. Finally, one day, I quit. My husband now does ALL the yard work. There are many times when I watch him roar around on the mower, cutting grass and just being outside, and all I can feel is anger! I am not mad at my husband, but I am FURIOUS at the PAIN that stops me from doing the things I once loved to do.
Yesterday on a whim, I decided to purchase a few new garden vegetable plants for our spring/summer garden. Of course, I refused to allow any thought enter my mind that I might regret buying these plants because all I really wanted was a chance to do something very familiar to me that I had not done in years. I loaded up my new plants and headed toward our garden beds, only to see plants coming to life that my husband had already taken care of. My anger rose and instead of asking my dear husband to help me, I dived in and dug away. Instantly, PAIN joined me, dragging me down with each new plant I put in the ground.
Thank goodness I only purchased a few plants because as I finished watering the ground, all I could do was drag myself inside and fall on the bed in complete exhaustion and deep sadness. I can only imagine what my husband was feeling as he silently watched me go through this struggle. At one point, I simply looked at a new plant and silently hoped it would meet a quick death! The rest of my day put me in my chair and all I could do was rest...and wait because PAIN was on its way. Sleep only lasted a few hours, and the PAIN demanded me to get up and walk the floor in the silent hours of night going to morning. My husband woke up and just looked at me as he knew my battle with PAIN was raging.
For all who battle with Chronic Pain, the moments of true realization of having to LET go of things you once loved to do are some of the WORST times. Chronic Pain is a major battle for me, and without a doubt, I have felt a huge wave of sadness and anger during this long night of hurting. Yet I know better than anyone: a choice is always out there for me. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and go down that road. Or I can dust myself off and START another day given to me by God.
So I have prayed during this long night for the strength to endure the added PAIN and then move on. I do not have any options of casting PAIN away from me. All I can do is rally back and NOT allow PAIN to win. It's really just one day at a time. That's all we can ask for. I pray for all who suffer with Chronic Pain and hope you find courage to look for a bit of JOY each day.
No comments:
Post a Comment