Thursday, December 6, 2012

Reality~~what comes next?

It feels like I have been running a long slow race~~hoping to keep an edge of Martha against Pain, and during the past few years, I felt like everything was going well.  Pain had not left me-I wake and it has my attention-morning , noon and night~~but I still could do my pretend running against Pain.  Last night as I lay resting on a warm massage table in my Pain management Doctor's office-feeling relaxed as she began viewing a massive stack of MRI film~~so many images of the "Inside Martha" for her to view, I felt no fear as I trust her massive experience and keen eye.  Suddenly I heard "Piece of Disc broke and pressing the Nerve" everything changed in my Race against Pain!

The room was darkened as she viewed the films, my husband sat in stone silence as I snapped to attention at the sound of those words~~I know my Doctor's voice and there was a cold reality to her words.  She asked us both to look at the film as she showed the latest damage to "Inside Martha" and that word followed-the one I dreaded to hear~~~Surgery.  So this was the reason for my bad leg  going Numb, the added Pain I was feeling lately~~~at this moment I stopped being the Patient and leaned against my Doctor, letting Tears flow.  I can't begin to imagine the emotions running through her~~~this was not the time for her to be my Friend-she had to be my Doctor and keep me focused on the serious problem in front of us.

A cold reality hit~~~Matt was too silent, I feared what was running through his mind as he carefully got me
home, and finally spoke "You are going to really need my care-a lot more than usual" and I felt like this
latest problem had just added another anchor around his loving neck.  But life keeps moving-no matter the
situation and I could choose to face this like a grown woman or simply stick my head in the sand and hide
from this news.  Reality hit again this morning as I opened the Fridge~~ suddenly Matt stood beside me,  frustration boiling  out as he told me "Didn't you listen to your Doctor last night?  You can't lift anything over a quart of Milk anymore-do you get it now?"

Yes I now had Reality in front of me and it wasn't pretty~its been a day of  quiet reflection for both of us,  we can't plan anything out~~certainly can't get our hands around this New problem-and have no real clue as to what comes next...

For a brief moment last night~~it felt like I had given up, but as I stopped crying and sat up to be a Real Patient with my Doctor~~she took a sparkling funny Christmas Necklace from her neck and put it around mine-her time to be the Friend and say "Something tells me you could use this now!"  

The path will be rocky~~ups and downs will come, but God is beside me and I will face each day, knowing
                            ~~~~~~~~~Pain Won't Beat Me~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keep looking up~~and know I pray for you.  If you don't mind, please say One prayer for me.



  1. Martha, how blessed you are have such a caring doctor. Another trial for you to go through as if you have not been through enough. Hopefully this one will result in less pain. Keep us posted when the surgery is so we can pray hard that day. Actually we will pray two or three or four, whatever is needed for you. Love Betty

    1. Betty-
      If I already got back with you via email, then just over look this as due to lack of sleep and pain.

      Yes-another trial and I am finding my way toward allowing myself to feel HOPEFULL---its been many long years of Pain and this was not in my line of "Acceptance" I just didn't want to face surgery again-but as a dear friend of mine at church tells me- "Martha, sometimes we just have to pull our britches up and face it!"

      she is right. I see the surgeon in the morning and certainly hope I come back with news-otherwise I expect this to happen after the Holidays. So-on we go. I am thrilled and comforted by the knowledge of your prayers my friend. That means everything to me!

      Love and hugs! Martha

  2. Martha, I'm not sure if you were able to see the email i sent you after you left a comment about this on my blog... but I really would love to bless you with the scripture CD I wrote about, if you can send me your home address. Don't worry about the cost - they sent it to me free, and the actual cost to order it is barely anything. I just feel God would love for me to give it to you...:)

    I have been praying for you a lot, and woke many times last night and prayed for you then too...