My Rock!!

Well, Here is Matt & Martha!

This photo was taken at a Dinner this past weekend as we were part of helping with the Rehearsal!  Matt is a wonderful man-its just that simple.  I can tell you that when we married-almost 37 years ago, he had a FULL head of hair!  We have joked over the years as to WHY he lost his hair and came up with this:  With Me-well there are all types of situations and things happening that Matt would stop, and take his hand, pulling his hair back in frustration and thinking "What a Week I am having with my Wife!"  As the years went by, his remaining hair was going away FAST-and so I suggest he shave it off.  I had seen many men with a shaved head and found it "quite attractive" so he finally gave in, agreeing to go have it done.  But one night, he decided Martha needed a "surprise" and he comes walking out of the bathroom, and asks me "Well, what do you think?"

Oh my gosh-there he stands, not realizing that in his rapid shaving-lots of Pitiful patches were still left on his head and then as he turns around, All I can see is this solid WHITE area on the back!!  My brain is saying, "how am I going to be seen in public with this man?"  But being the loving wife, I smile big and tell him "I love the New Look!"  Something must have told him-"my wife is NOT telling me the truth" and he just stood there, waiting for the real Martha to show up and I did, by suggesting we both go back to the bathroom and help "Slay the remaining hairs!"

It all worked out, as he was outside the next day, getting a lot of sun to help the WHITE area blend with the rest of him.  Matt has had a mustache since we first met-and its been shaved off only TWO times in our marriage-he had to shave it when he entered the Police Academy, and about thirteen years later, shaved it off as he took a month off of work to study for the Detective Exam-and yes, he made Detective and we finally got to have weekends together!

We met at a Chili Cook-off in Sept. 1973-I was with a group of girls who went to high school with me and they were attending college in this town-but I could not go to college as my parents simply could not afford it.  We are all walking around and suddenly we see this booth with several "good looking men" laughing and cooking away on their Chili.  Everyone talked about going up to ask for a sample but none of them had the nerve-except for Me!  I went marching up there, long blonde hair flowing, tight fitting jeans and a smile on my face as I asked "Could I please have some Chili?"

My future husband stepped right up and gave me a sample of his Chili!  Of course I thought he was so handsome but what stood out the most was his SMILE!! I had never seen anybody that happy in my life-(probably helped that he had been enjoying a few beers) and we started talking-as my friends now wanted me to follow them.  I waved my hand toward them, saying I would find them later.  NOTHING was going to pull me away from this man and this Smile!! We started talking, about everything from where we grew up as kids, when suddenly Matt stops and tells me "I don't want to get married for TEN years!"  I don't know if he was testing me but I just looked at him and said "Well-in TEN years, you just might not find ANYBODY worth marrying!!!"  It silenced him and on we went-talking as if nobody else existed around us, with Matt not caring if the Chili burned up as he tried one more test "I want to have SIX kids" and it didn't take me long to answer back "Well, you are looking at the WRONG woman because I don't think I can do that!"  He took a long look and still chattered away.  We realized our conversation had been going for almost three hours and I figured my friends might be getting nervous, so I gave him the phone number where I was staying at and we promised to meet up later that night at a dance (of course Matt never made the dance-as the beer and Chili put him to bed) and he walked me over to where I would wait for my friends-when suddenly he looks at me with those EYES of his and says "Can I kiss you Goodbye?"

To this day I don't know why these words came out of my mouth but I said "Now listen, I really don't know you at all, but I don't mind if you give me a Kiss on the Cheek!"  He looked like a sad kid but acted like the true gentleman he has always been and gave me a very wonderful kiss on my cheek!  We never saw each other that night, and I left to go back home where I lived with my Parents.  My friends told me their phone rang very early that morning with Matt asking to speak with me!  They gave him my home number, he called that afternoon and we began dating the following weekend.

Our courtship lasted for over a year and we never missed a weekend of being together.  When he took me home on that first date, I turned to him and asked "Why did you ask me out?"  In my mind, I could not comprehend such a wonderful person wanting to date me because I did not ever see myself as attractive.  Matt turned to me with such a serious look and said "I took you out because I am in LOVE with you!"  Now that one stopped me in my tracks-and my Mom told me just a few weeks later, she knew I had met the man I would marry!

Matt is patient, kind, loving, strong, full of joy and laughter and above all, he is my ROCK!  I lean on him for everything-I do NOT want to think of my life without him!  Our prayer is to grow OLD together!

I hope you enjoyed our story!  There is nobody else like Matt.

Facing the Facts...

My dear friend's son was married this afternoon to the love of his life-a beautiful young woman and the service was amazing!  It was a real blessing to hear the minister share how this young couple places God first in their life and how they both share a true desire to give back to the community-in thanks for all they have been given.

The church was filled with people supporting these two in love and prayers.  I had the pleasure of helping to get the wedding party all lined up for their entrance to the church.  Everything flowed perfectly and then it was time for me to open the doors for the Bride to enter.  She was being escorted by her Mom down the isle as her Dad was the minister who would perform the wedding ceremony.  When I opened those doors, there stood Mom and Daughter, holding hands and sobbing-I knew without a doubt those tears were coming as both of them were mentally processing all the years together, from a baby coming into the world, to a Mom now preparing to walk her only daughter down the isle and hand her over to a wonderful young man!

It was a moving moment-and they had to work very hard to pull the emotional moment together-and I could see the tremendous love that flowed between them.  After finding my seat beside my husband, I sat down and he just leaned over, put his arm around me and gave me Kleenex-because my tears were flowing and nothing was going to stop them.

This young man has been in our lives since he was in the fifth grade-and we have shared many ups and downs with him and been a second family when he needed it.  We have seen him graduate from college, watched him worry about finding a good job, then cheering with him as he landed a solid job with a large city, being part of their Engineering Division.  This is his talent and he is dedicated to his work.

I guess this happens at weddings, but for me it was like a video was playing-moving at a fast rate as I recalled a funny kid with a wicked sense of humor, a young teenager with amazing respect for his elders, a young man dedicated to reaching his goals in life and today-a Man who was holding his Bride's hand-as love flowed between them. God was standing there beside them and I know-they will find their way through life. As the service was ending, this wonderful young man took a second and looked at me-smiling with such joy.  It was a sweet moment between us and I thought my heart would break, not from sadness, but from Love.  

So today I faced the fact that a Little boy had rapidly grown into a wonderful man-and I prayed to God, asking for Him to watch over this loving couple as they begin their journey in life.  The other fact I had to face-this one not so pleasant was me trying to DANCE with my husband-just one slow dance was all I wanted.  A song started playing and we headed to the dance floor and as we moved around, my body was screaming at me, "you can't do this" but I am stubborn and kept working at it.  My husband knew that my strength was almost done and now he was dragging me around or so it felt like that and this is when it hit me, as I told my husband "I am done-its time to go Home!"

Facing the facts--having to admit my dancing days are probably over-my leg was barely supporting me and I knew it would not look too good for me to just be laying on the dance floor!  But facing this has not brought anger or heartbreak-but instead-its brought me to acceptance.  Yes I will miss dancing but there are still many things I can do with my husband and for that-I thank God with all my heart.

Chronic Pain takes a lot from us-but it does not have to take everything-we just need to keep looking beyond the Pain, trying to find just one simple thing that brings us a bit of joy.  For me-I am willing to keep looking for that Joy-and thanking God for each day He gives me.

Facing facts is never easy-but with faith and courage, we will find our way.  God bless you all.  Martha

When can I Scream at the Pain?

When haven't I screamed at  Pain during all these years of my body aching and throbbing each day?  I have yelled about it, cursed it, raged with a torrent of  words that start running together, not making sense, because my rage is flowing out so fast, I simply can't put the words together!  All I do is rant until there is nothing left inside me, no air to fill my lungs for the rage to continue-and the protective wall around me starts to fall as I collapse in tears-tears that I fight with every fiber inside to keep from flowing to the surface.

Sure I know its okay to cry, actually very helpful to let all those emotions out-but tears bring a certain type of fear to my heart-as I find myself so afraid that if I finally Cry-perhaps it will be the beginning of me feeling  the strength I have held for so long to fight against Pain breaking down.  The logic in my brain speaks and says "Well Martha-maybe its time for you and Pain to give each other a break in this battle!"  Sad to say, that logic doesn't last very long-as I know my Pain will not leave my body-so I must hang in there for the long haul, no matter how tired and worn down I get.

The past few days have been Rough, Pain seeming to have somehow found that "Hammer" and  giving my leg a beating that finds me begging for relief.  Today was one of my worst days-and the only coping tool I could come up with was to take a ride with my husband, hoping to just get my mind off the Pain, knowing I can't forget it-but instead trying hard to focus on the Spring Beauty that surrounds us now here in the Texas Hill Country.  Wildflowers are more beautiful this year-as we have endured such a long drought period and all you can do when seeing them is smile and give praise to God for this amazing beauty.

We took our drive, with me having a few good moments but as the day wore on, Pain decided to knock loudly on my leg and remind me, "Guess what, here we go again-you had better hang on for the Ride Pain is taking you on!"  I could not sit still as my husband drove and we both knew, time to head for home, hoping that a long rest on the sofa might help things calm down.  He stopped to get me a soda and as I sat waiting, my anger kept rising- I could feel it growing stronger, with me  wishing there was "something" to help ease my leg down. For whatever reason, I found myself reflecting on a lesson taught to me long ago by my Dad- he told me "Sister-when times come along in life that make you feel like you just can't take it anymore-and you are feeling so sorry for how bad You have it--STOP--look around--this is when you will See Another person who is suffering a hundred times worse than you!  Sister-this is the moment when you Count Your Blessings-thanking God for all you do have!"

Suddenly I turned to see a man trying to work his way toward the store-but his struggle was terrible-as he dragged his leg behind him-Pain was written all over this man-as I could see the suffering he was enduring.  It felt like everything stopped, nobody else was around but me and the man!  I dropped my head in sorrow and shame, telling God "I am sorry for raging on about myself-Forgive me-and please God, I am sorry for being so angry about the Pain that still follows me!"  Then I asked God to please help this man, give him a moment of relief.

It was a mixture of emotions for me at this second in time, as I could almost hear my Dad's lesson, knowing how Much God has blessed me with, and yet the most inner human part of me still ached as I knew, my Pain battle still was there, right beside me as I was given this moment to witness such suffering by another.  My husband had come out of the store, got inside and said these words "Did you see that Man?"

I will be "processing" this day for a while-as I know all my failings-and all I can do is keep trying, perhaps giving myself "permission" to break down and cry-without the fear that tears will take away my courage in this battle with Chronic Pain.  Everything I am-it all comes from God and I choose to Honor Him and my prayers tonight are filled with Thanks to God-as I will always remember  "Yes, I did see that Man."

May God lift up all those suffering with Chronic Pain and hold you in His Loving Arms.

Martha

Martha & Her Hammer!

Well-Veronica has done it again!  She captured "Martha" perfectly-standing on one of the most beautiful places in Central Texas-called "Enchanted Rock!"  This perfect photo was taken by: David Longhorn dave.  Great job, Dave!

I am proud to be holding up my "Pain Won't Beat Me" Motto-as I stand by it and probably repeat it a dozen times during the worst days of Pain. People see me on the bad days and sometimes comment "Well Your Pain can't be that bad-you are still walking" and my heart is silent, unable to find words to explain what I go through.  But a day did arrive as I found a "different Voice of Sorts" to answer questions about my Pain.  It happened at church one day, as I stood against a wall, rubbing my leg, trying so hard to make the Pain go away.  A man saw me and commented "How bad is that Pain in your Leg?"

I suppose at that moment, all the years of Pain raging in my leg had caught up with me and I wanted to scream  words back to this man but suddenly I remembered we were near a church office and I had seen a Hammer laying on a desk.  In one swift move, I had grabbed that Hammer and started Beating my Leg with every fiber of my being!  No words, just the Rapid Swinging of Hammer against Flesh-my Flesh and my brain was telling me "Stop Martha, you are just making it worse" but I didn't care-I was tired of the questions, tired of the Pain, tired of my body having to fight so hard against this Pain and all I wanted to do was make sure a Proper Answer was given to the man's question about my Pain.

My husband had stood nearby, shocked to see this scene unfolding but he did not stop me-He knew how deep my Frustration went!  The room was deathly quiet and finally my poor leg had become numb from the Hammer-so I calmly put it away and then turned to the man, who stood with his eyes wide open-and said "Well-in answer to your question-this is exactly how BAD my Leg Hurts-it never stops and I live with it all the time."

He promised to never ask that question again, I thanked him and suddenly my Motto showed up-as I added, "But I can tell you one thing, Pain Won't Beat Me-Ever!"  I have a feeling he believed my words.  In that tiny room, God stood beside me and held me steady as I physically "Spoke" the Pain I live with.  There is a "different" manner in which I think of that Hammer:

"If I had a Hammer, I'd Hammer in the Morning. I'd Hammer in the evening, All over this Land.  I'd hammer out Danger, I'd hammer out Warning, I'd Hammer out Love between My Brothers and my Sisters, All over this Land.

God bless Veronica for helping me Find my Way to Stand on the Rock.

Listening....

Life moves along at such a busy pace that we miss seeing "changes" in our friends, and don't think anything is wrong until a day comes and we are struck with shock as we see the hard physical changes brought on as someone we care about has been hit with Chronic Pain and the battle is roaring!

My eyes were opened recently as I saw a long-time friend, limping her way out of church, and the look on her face told me all the answers to my silent questions-PAIN was chewing her up and spitting out each piece it could of this gracious woman.  We had a moment to talk and she let me know that surgery was just around the corner as a hip replacement was very needed.  She commented on how long the Pain had been with her and she just put it aside as a back-ache, nothing more, until the day came when she could barely walk and then reality had arrived. 

I let her know my prayers would be starting, wishing for a safe surgery and a speedy recovery-and it hit me that her husband was standing quietly, with a look of fear in his eyes, and I could sense the helpless feeling in him.  Before I left them, my heart just pushed me ahead and I took his hand, looking at him and saying "She is a strong woman, a fighter and I just know everything will be okay!"  Relief seemed to wash over him suddenly and he thanked me for caring about them both.

The great news is my friend came through her surgery with no complications!  Praise God for this and within a short amount of time, I was thrilled to look up one Sunday in church and see her there, looking so different, an obvious sign that Pain had been pushed away and it just warmed my heart to know prayers were heard and God helped remove that terrible Pain from her body.

Today I had a chance to see her and my heart soared- as I could see such improvement in her health-strength returning to her body, and she was really speeding back to full health.  She started talking- speaking of being frustrated with having to stay home, feeling bored, wanting to get out and do things.  I listened quietly because I knew what lay behind those words "having to face tough facts-realizing all the things she would have to give up."

Unless you have walked this road-there is No way to comprehend the intense frustration a person feels when faced with drastic life-style changes.  Its just plain wicked-almost as if you are stuck in a valley, with the hills being too high for any possibility of climbing out.  My friend spoke about telling her doctor that "perhaps she could just get a little small lawn mower to push slowly" and having her heart sink as she saw the look from her doctor that was saying "those days are over-you must put them behind you." 

I know all too well the emotional roller coaster my friend is on right now as she begins adjusting to a slower pace, having to watch others do things that at one time were so easy to do, now having to take each step slowly-being careful to not fall for fear of injuring her body.  My heart ached because I could not find the words to help her-only time will do that and she will reach deep inside, gradually accepting this new path of life.

Others had gathered around and I knew it was time to move on and let her visit with more friends-but I paused and said "The hardest thing I ever had to do was give up Mowing my yard- my Doctor had pleaded with me over the years to give this up- and I finally did, but it made me so Mad- I had to accept it and keep moving."  She took my words in without speaking-because she had watched over the years as my Pain Battle took me through some horrible ups and downs-with so many visible changes to my life.

We were two "wounded women" who have fought with Chronic Pain for years-now we were standing face to face, no way to dodge seeing the "obvious" changes in us.  I walked away with a heavy heart, but something hit me and its like I was hearing these words "Yes-Pain has wounded both of you, but Prayer has brought you this far and Faith in God will take you through the challenges that will come. Just be thankful for each  day!"

I knew today had been one that required me to stop and "listen"-so I would not Miss the Message meant for me to hear today-Being Thankful to God.  This was my Joy moment today, and I am thankful for it.

Always know, for those who suffer with Chronic Pain, there is a Prayer being said for you each day, asking God to help you get through each second.  If you can, please just say ONE prayer for me.  Bless you.

Picking myself up Again!!

No-this post title does not mean to say I took a bad fall, Thank God-because if that were the case, I would be at the Hospital Emergency room right now, trying to figure out the damage done by a fall.

Like all who suffer with Chronic Pain, some of the roughest days will suddenly arrive, with no warning or reason except to say "HELLO, I AM HERE AGAIN!"  I have all my daily coping skills and start using them first when it hits me that I am feeling like a huge truck ran over my body!  Prayer comes pretty quick, then trying to do something  relaxing so my mind is off the intense throbbing, walking the floor and complaining to my dear husband who must be thinking "Lord please give me patience and please help my wife" and on it goes.

It feels like a vicious cycle with no end in sight and yet I know its vital that I dig so deep-to find every bit of determination possible so I can hang in there and Never Allow Pain To Beat Me.  Trust me-there are no Victory Chants when it feels like I have gained some ground, because these are the seconds when I am grabbing for every ounce of strength possible-and sometimes when I am grabbing desperately for strength, its very scary to feel weak and worn thin from Pain.

What I have learned is this:  a) Always turn to God in Prayer and never think He is not listening-He hears every word of Prayer I utter, and what a GIFT this is for all.

b) Get smart about my Pain-keep doing research, and yes-I do get down when the same words appear and sound so promising but in my case, fully knowing  there is no magical cure.

c) Reach out to others-Now as I say this, my dread is that friends will finally look at me one day and say "Gee Martha-I am so Tired of hearing how bad you hurt, so just DO something about it!"  Two things will happen if I ever hear those words-First I will apologize for leaning too hard on them  and then I will walk away and never complain again to them.  I must look within and realize, it is very hard to keep listening with an open heart-because we are so very human.  All I can do is hope and pray that I do not let my feelings turn to anger.

My list of things to do goes on but as I just said in the last few lines of this blog, I don't want to become the Best Pain Complainer in the World!

This has been a rough "Pain Spell" for me-I feel it, see it, and Know it!  I asked my husband yesterday if he could "see" the changes in me that Pain has brought on-he paused, as I gave him a look that might compare to a recent movie "The Help"-where Minny is saying "I want to see you Square On" because I wanted to hear his words-no matter what was said!

His voice was filled with love and strength as the words came out "Martha, I see how tired you are at times, your walk is slower, I know you are really struggling with the Pain, and yet you are still the same beautiful, blonde haired woman with eyes that grabbed me the second I met you and fell in love with you on the spot!"

Oh my goodness-as I try to end this post, my heart is swelling with the tremendous love this amazing man has for me and tears are filling my eyes.  Its hit me-he is with me for the long run-all the way and his love will not waver!  God brought him to me and I realize how blessed I am to have the love of God surrounding me.

As my Mom and Dad both would tell me, "Sister, you just have to take life a day at a time."

My help is right in "front" of me and that gives me great Joy in the midst of my struggle.  I keep praying for all those who are suffering with this horrible battle-just take it a day at a time.  God bless you all.  Martha

Heaven-how do we describe it?

My dear Father passed away in 2003 and yet it feels like he has only been gone a short while.  We talked about lots of things as I visited him-questions about how my husband was doing, what all was happening on our farm and the list would go on.  I delighted in listening to him predict how large our hay crop would be and I would give him a story of me doing something silly, like running over a ball of  Orange Fishing Line as I was mowing and wondering "why is this orange stuff following me?" and he would howl with laughter, talking about the big mess it must have made.  These were joyous conversations that are stored away in my heart and bring me joy when I recall them.

One day  I walked in-gave him a hug but noticed his eyes had a far-away look in them and he was very quiet, which worried me.  I sat down and finally asked him "Daddy-what is wrong?"  He kept looking out the window and then said "Sister, I don't think the good Lord is going to open those gates for me, because I probably don't deserve to go to Heaven!"

My heart broke apart at these words-I knew my Dad trusted in the Lord and hearing such doubt in his words left me speechless, but I could see how heavy the load was for him and felt that a major task lay ahead for me to answer his questions.  Without hesitating, I sat straight up and told him "Daddy-you are a good Christian man-I just know the Lord would not shut you out and besides, Moma is there now and she is waiting to see you!"  His mind was full of thought as he lay there, with his hands inter-laced as he moved his thumbs in a race, simply going round and round, just like the path of our words being spoken.

I knew we were far from finished with this serious conversation as more questions started coming from him "Okay-tell me what you know about Heaven!"  There would be no "Dressing Up" the words for this and I simply told him, "Daddy, I think Heaven has to be a Paradise, its beyond anything we understand."  I quickly added words he could relate to "Oh I bet there is a lot of  Fishing in Heaven-remember about Jesus feeding thousands with just a few loaves of bread and some fish!"  Silence filled the air as he mulled my words over and then asked "So Sister, Who Do I talk to about getting inside Heaven once I am at the Gates?"

My Dad-simple, to the point, no hidden agenda, waiting to see if I thought what he said was silly and I knew he was pouring his heart out to me, so all I could think to say  was this "Well Daddy, I believe Saint Peter is at the Gates-just speak with him and Moma will probably be right there, waving you on in!" Silent prayers were rushing all around me because Dad knew his time was probably not long and he needed words of assurance- and would never have spoken to anyone else-just his daughter whom he called "Sister"and he was placing his trust in me as I tried to teach him about Heaven with time not being on our side for a lengthy lesson.

Something profound had happened-he seemed peaceful and relaxed-understanding my answers and now after the serious manner of our words, he decided to have a bit of fun with his daughter- "Now Sister, I think you are right about Heaven being a place filled with fishing and I need to know where to get my fishing pole!"  Typical Daddy-taking  care of the basics. This sly smile covered his face as he watched me struggling for another answer- "Oh Daddy, you know who will have your Pole-Moma!"  My mind was so ready for this conversation to end but he had one final challenge for his daughter "Okay Sister-I need to have a Fishing License-so who do I talk to about that?"

Now we were both smiling, knowing how far we had traveled together-I leaned back in my chair, tired and yet thrilled to see my precious Dad's face, filled with love for me as I spoke to him "Daddy, be sure and speak directly to Jesus about that!"  He quietly chuckled and we never spoke about Heaven again.  Oh I am sure that I could have spent a long time quoting scripture to my Dad, giving him words from the Bible, instead of coming up with answers of Heaven being a place to catch a lot of Fish!

Sometimes we have to take a different approach on spiritual issues and my Dad had hit me with the biggest challenge-he needed answers and assurance.  I probably was not the best person to tackle this issue but he trusted me and had witnessed my own faith journey.  As I left his room that day, suddenly for no reason, I glanced toward pictures hanging on the wall and there was a photo of my Dad, much younger, smiling with pride as he held up a huge catch of fish!  God was right there with us both-and I know HE gave me the words to help me give a fast teaching lesson about Heaven!

I will forever be thankful to God for the blessing of my parents, regardless of the ups and downs we went through at times, I loved them so much and there is a aching in my heart as I miss them each day.  Something tells me they are smiling down with Joy as they rest on the shores of Heaven.