Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Accepting my Limitations

Without a doubt, spring has arrived here in our part of the world. Having been in such a drought, nobody had the need to mow their yard. But the good Lord has blessed us with much needed rains, and suddenly I am hearing the sounds of lawnmowers everywhere. I don't have to look far as my husband is outside, buzzing all over the place with our big lawnmower that he bought for me, all the while knowing that mowing was something I had to give up. It has not been easy, and each time I hear our mower, there is a rise inside me as I feel anger about not being able to be outside with my husband, him on our old mower and me on the new one, almost chasing each other around our farm.

I suppose you could say this change has been equally hard for both of us. He knows how much I loved doing physical labor, and he would begin mentioning the idea of his mowing days ahead before he actually would start. His loving me so much and wanting to spare me from the reminder and yet also probably thinking inside, "Gee, I wish she could handle this a bit easier," all the while seeing the grass getting taller by the moment!

So today as I sat at my computer, suddenly there was the sound of him mowing and for a second the old emotions began to rise. But I decided "it's time to act like a big girl" and opened my curtains so I could see him whizzing around the trees, mowing to his heart's content and not having to be so worried as to my accepting the limitations that are with me forever. Yes, some might be thinking, "Wow, it's just lawn mowing." But oh, my, it was so much more to me because it took me back to the days of working beside my Dad, bringing wonderful memories to the surface. Yet he, too, found himself ripped of all his strength, having suffered a stroke and then slowly dying from COPD, still smoking up to the end of his life. One day, I went to see him at the Assisted Living Center, a place named "Grace House," and it truly was filled with grace. There were only sixteen rooms, and it was as close to a home away from home as one could hope to find. Daddy lay there, his mind so far away as I gave him a gentle hug. When I asked how he was doing, "Well, Sister, this is one Hell of a way to die, but sometimes we just have to Accept things!"

There it was, him telling me about Acceptance, having to let go of so many things that had helped make him one very strong man. My heart ached that day, but I listened and just let him talk. It felt like he was making peace with having to be confined to that bed. He could still get in a motorized wheelchair. But before long, that, too, had to be taken from him. It seemed that Daddy only knew One Speed on the machine, and it was FAST. Each time he left his room, he flipped the switch to go roaring down the hallways, his arm would get caught in the railing and with being Diabetic, he began having severe problems with healing. I had to be the one to tell him the machine had to go. Strange–he must have already sensed it because when I entered his room to take away his last ability of being mobile. He took a long look at me and said, "Well, they sent the Big Gun over to take away my machine!" I sat down and answered a sad, "Yes, Daddy." Then he told me "take it away, and make sure it helps somebody else!" Acceptance with no fight, and now those memories are still with me to draw on as I fight my way through Acceptance, admitting my Limitations and not being angry about it.

This day ended on a wonderful note as I went outside, tried to pull some weeds and realized, "Now did you just have injections a few days ago?" I sat down at our patio and suddenly here came the familiar roar of my husband as he saw me, instantly stopping the mower, preparing himself to hear me complain about all the things I couldn't do anymore. Instead, I gave him a big hug and suggested we sit down together to share a glass of tea. His relief was obvious! Without question, it is a wicked journey for the one who must suffer the physical pain. But it's also be a tough burden for our loved ones who must sit by, feeling helpless as they see the wicked battle of Chronic Pain being inflicted on their loved one.

Yes, I  made some good "baby steps" today and knowing myself, there will still be days of struggle ahead. But I am learning to Accept the Letting Go Process and Cherish all that I have been blessed with–the love of my dear husband and wonderful Friends. All this is possible only by the Grace of God, showing me the way.
 

6 comments:

  1. Martha, how you could make me cry, because here I am just reading you out, when I could give you a tight hug.

    I know, too, how defeating it is, when even a simple task, one could not do anymore. When I had my mild-stroke, it was such a big battle for me to let someone else bathe me like a baby. I insisted I could do it myself but cry in frustration as I could not reach even those personal parts. I could not comb my hair, sure I could with one hand, but could not tie my hair in a pony tail. It was so hard, and it made me value the strength that I had, in all fitness, and made me all the more intent to be rehabilitated.

    I thank God that I could now type, even the manual kind too. But there are times, my BP sends so slow blood flow and would numb some parts of my left fingers and would give some drag to my steps. Anyway, I thank God I am still around. Thanking Him, also for giving me such champions as friends like you.

    God is really an all-knowing God and one who picked your dear husband for you. He is your strength now and he loves you so much. It is frustrating for them too, feeling inadequate sometimes... wanting to give you the joys of life like mobility.

    Sorry, if I wrote all of the above, which might cause you some more discomfort. I hope you understand.

    Something within me needs acceptance-different from resignation, Do you think, resignation is some kind of a lie too? Being resigned is not the same with acceptance, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lolita-
    all a person needs to do is look at your loving smile and there is complete Acceptance of the amazing woman you are! Nothing you wrote here caused me any dis-comfort, but instead helped me understand more of how silly it is for me to fight accepting things I can't do anymore-but instead working with what God has still given me. I could never see you being resigned my dear-I do agree that being resigned is Not the same as Acceptance. For me the times when I have felt total resignation-thinking I could never be ME again-something would always tug at me to rise up and keep taking the fight back to this Pain. A dear friend of mine asked me tonight on the phone to describe "what" my pain feels like-and the best explanation I had was "Well it feels like somebody has a Burning Hot Poker applied to my butt and it Never goes away." She agreed it was a vivid description.

    I am so proud of how far you have battled your way back to having your life-doing things perhaps differently, but none the less, by the grace of God, you are doing them. It is an honor for me to know you.

    All my blessings and love I send your way. Martha

    ReplyDelete
  3. First of all to Martha,

    Yes, you make me cry as well...I struggled deeply with "accepting" my now limitations. I was angry about it all and fighting through it...I learned "acceptance" through you. This is one of the ways in which you have enriched my soul. I'm not resigned to living this way forever, becasue I believe in the power of Jesus Christ to heal, so that is where my hope lies. But, I have finally accepted - that in this time and space - I do have limitations. And with that acceptance, a true peace has rested upon me. I've never been one to say No to doing. Now, I must say No and I'm OK with it. Thanks to you and your blog.

    Secondly, to My Lolita, I cried reading your comment as well...there is so much pain and suffering...but, I've learned grace from you as well, Dear One, and what it means to be a champion!

    Martha, please thank Matt, for I have learned so much from you sharing his amazing Christ-like love for you. It touches my heart deeply.

    Now, could I please have a three-way hug with you, Martha and Lolita? I just want to hug you guys! Be encouraged in this, my sisters: We know God's Word says that He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Your pain and suffering HAS been used for good in my life, as well as many others. Your pain is NOT in vain.

    I am honored to know you both!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Diane-
    What loving words you have sent to me and Lolita. Now let me see, if I try really hard, although there is a great distance to do it, close your eyes and just try to FEEL the HUG I send to Both of you! Amazing Women, telling me that I have been of help to you- when for me its the other way around! Your words open my heart and mind and I too am realizing-its OKAY to say NO to something I know will only do further damage to my old body.

    My dear husband tells me "this Blogging has been amazing! I see a difference in you each day!" I am happy for that-as I think it is a process of the Load he carries being lightened a bit. Sometimes when my Pain is off the charts, my husband will give me a big hug and gently tell me "Martha, I think you just need to offer this Pain up to God-do it for somebody else who is hurting" and he is right. It doesn't make the Pain go away but it makes me stop thinking about myself and put my focus on others. I believe this is how we help each other.

    God bless you both. Stay strong and keep looking up! Thank you for the BIG HUG! Love, Martha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tight hug, Diane and Martha.

      Blessings from above from Cebu Philippines.

      P.S.
      I love the word resilience too and I can picture it in a bamboo grass. We have them plenty in our country. It can bend so low close to the ground to the wind (not against), then it springs back up again. That kind of resilience. Children in the third world lean this from a very early age because of poverty. Good of they are guided by advocates like the Compassion Program, if not, a lot lead a path to destruction.

      Just a food for thought.

      Delete
  5. Lolita-
    I love hearing descriptions of how your country looks. The idea of the grass bending so low to the ground, I picture the children you talk of, being pushed hard, and yet with an inner resilience-somehow spring back. Perhaps these are some of God's very special Angels that are here on this Earth for us to learn from. Thank God they have advocates to guide them on a good path. This was excellent food for thought.

    Love, Martha

    ReplyDelete