Walking-not always an easy thing to do!

It seems like such a simple thing to do-take a walk, enjoy the beauty of Spring opening up all around us, feeling the gentle breeze blowing through our hair.  This sounds so nice and can be a very relaxing thing to do-but for me, its definitely not an easy process and I can find myself rising to anger very quickly when attempting to take a gentle stroll.

I have a mental "Checklist for Walking" that stays with me and if I do not pay strict attention to it, the end result is never Good and my enemy-PAIN loves to rise up and remind me of each item on my list I forgot.  One important item on the list is STAIRS-before I attempt walking up a set of Stairs, I must be sure its a short flight because to walk a long flight of Stairs-well it will leave a lasting impression on my body and can take months of treatment to get all the Pain to settle down.  Now going down the Stairs, well I never look up but have a feeling people are gathering around to watch my "sideshow"of getting down each step.  First I must take my good Right leg and step downward in a side-ways fashion-then pause and bring my Bad Left Leg slowly downward, hoping it will not collapse and send me tumbling down the steps.  There is always a line of people behind me as this process is happening.  Nobody says anything-but I wonder if they might be thinking-"Who taught that woman to walk down steps like that?"  Part of me would love to turn around and say "A huge Hackberry Tree taught me this particular way of doing steps!"  But instead, I stay focused on the task in front of me and my dear husband is always beside me-making sure that I do not fall-there is my Blessing! 

I have a dear friend whose son is getting married in two weeks and she joined along for another shopping trip yesterday with my husband serving as our driver.  He knew  I had still  not found my special wedding attire and the area we were headed to would require a long day of "walking" which would force my day to be very short.  He drove me near each store, parked and patiently went in as I thumbed through racks of outfits,  saying a fast NO to everything in front of me.  

We kept hunting while my dear friend struck out on foot and breezed through so many stores, hunting for her special pair of shoes needed to complete her wedding attire.  I began to worry as time flew by as she had not called us to come pick her up.  In my mind she had to be exhausted from the long walk-so I buzzed her phone, only to hear her sounding so light and joyous and telling me she still had many stores to look at.

Thats when it me-"Walking is a very Easy Thing for her to do" and anger hit me hard and fast!  Yes I was jealous of her being able to walk with ease, not having to worry about this ugly thing called Chronic Pain!  My husband kept pushing me forward, hoping I would find something pretty to wear but it quickly hit me-this Shopping day is Done!  I felt shame for feeling this way-and yet for that moment-everything felt hopeless and  I wanted to start walking fast and not stop until I dropped.  Realization was settling in fast and I knew,
"Martha-this is Your life, its not that bad!"

As we headed to the store where my dear friend was at, I told my husband "This gal can really Walk" as my face was twisted in anger and frustration.  He just kept driving, allowing me the time to process all the emotions raging inside me and gradually I realized "its her blessing to be able to walk-and there is no reason to blame her."  Within seconds the anger had left my heart and I was able to go inside the shoe store and share in the joy of my friend finally locating her special shoes!

This is my life and how I choose to handle the emotions of lost physical abilities is vital as I know God is watching, waiting to see if I can "Let Go and Let God!"  Yes, Walking is not always easy for me but I give praise to God that I can still walk-maybe a bit slower, but what a blessing it is.

My joy came as I watched my friend stroll up and down the isle, admiring her shiny shoes!