When will I ever learn??

When a "rare day of feeling good" comes along~~its so easy for old forgotten feelings to return.  I look outside to see its a beautiful Fall day, and a sudden urge hits me~~"Get busy and do something!" I rush around, digging out sneakers hidden in the back of my closet, hunting for old work clothes I put away, planning to never use them again~~my mind was rushing-as little warning lights were going off, trying to get my attention and all I did was Push them away.  Same old Stubborn Martha-determined to conquer
a project-refusing to think about the aftermath.  Pain is sneaky-it just stepped silently to the side, patiently waiting for me to mess up by pushing my old body too hard and then Pain would come flying in as I paid the price!

I never got outside-because those old sneakers were well hidden and before I knew it, everything was being flung out of my closet~~here was my Big Project-time for a major cleaning.  My husband came walking by, stumbling over suitcases, boxes, clothes~~~he paused-not saying a word as he waited to see me turn around so he could have my full attention.  I must have looked like a wild woman~~hair in a mess, sweat pouring off me and still in my pajamas~~"So-guess you are going to do some work today on your closet, do you think its a good idea to push yourself like this?"  Part of me wanted to scream back at him "Well No, I am making the biggest mistake possible-but I still want to be normal"-instead of screaming, I just gave a quick nod of my head and he knew-time to move out of the way and see how this was going to end.

About two years ago I made a promise to God that I would never climb up on a ladder again or stand on a chair~~so I strained my body to reach up high to the top shelf, pulling heavy photo binders down~~never thinking about the weight or strain I was putting on my body.  Again that little message inside my head began to speak louder "Heh, you are getting ready to drop-so either leave the closet or finish up fast" so I made a mad rush to re-arrange things and finally the job I was so proud of was done.

Yet I dragged my body away and fell in my chair-nothing left of me and somehow knowing, Pain was starting its move toward me.  About two hours later, my shoulder began to throb as if I was having a heart attack!  I made a rapid move to the bed, asking my husband if we had any Baby Aspirin (just in case it really was a heart attack) and all I could do was pray, pray, pray.  I begged God to help me, make this brand new Pain go away~~my dear husband sat beside me-and finally asked "Well do you think this happened because of the work you did today?" 

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I knew-Old Martha had shown up and now I was paying a very heavy price for not respecting the physical limits my body has.  Its hard to let go of things we once enjoyed doing-
but if I don't learn after a big mistake like this~well I have only me to blame for the added suffering.  Today has been a tiny bit easier-I have protected my weary shoulder muscles and done nothing but sit and enjoy
the healing of a heating pad.

We are human-mistakes will be made~~I begged God to help me last night-the intense Pain scared me so much!  Perhaps I did learn from this episode of sliding back into old habits-I pray that I did!

God help us who suffer with Pain.  Be with us when we fall.

martha