If I had a dollar for every time these words come out of my mouth, well, I would probably have a larger bank account! PAIN–it's been a constant part of me for the last 14 years! PAIN entered my life when I climbed a tree one day, got up about 12 feet and, while cutting a limb, fell, landed HARD on my butt and split the sciatic nerve. My husband had begged me the day before to just WAIT, and he would get to it the next day.
I grew up in the country and had climbed many a tree. So why would this one be any different? IT WAS!! After the fall, I lay on the ground, realized all my parts were still with me and crawled to the patio. It was three months before I told my husband what happened...because that was when my toes went numb and PAIN was here to stay. I learned real fast how to HATE the PAIN. Why was I having to live like this? Well, that answer wasn't too hard...I CLIMBED THE STUPID TREE!!!
Why do I say PAIN WILL NOT BEAT ME? Is it the deep faith I have or my strong-willed determination to never give up? Or knowing I do not want to stop existing and just allow the PAIN to take over and ruin what time I have left with my dear husband? We have been married 35 years, and I pray there are a lot of years still out there for us. So I guess you could say it's ALL these reasons. I lost count over these last 14 years of how MANY times I have said to my husband, "I AM SO SORRY FOR CLIMBING THE TREE!!"
I have been through nine surgeries, two pain implants (one resulting in a massive staph infection that almost killed me) and numerous epidural shots (these are the ONLY thing left that give me a bit of relief). It's finally hit me–I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN. But I REFUSE to let it BEAT ME. It's strange. When I go for my epidural shots and get the "margarita shot," as the nurses call it, I am trying with every fiber of my being to stay awake and be AWARE. Because in those brief seconds, I am realizing PAIN IS NOT HERE!
Don't get me wrong. I have days when NOBODY wants to be around me! I wake up in pain and go to bed in pain. Many nights of waking at 4 a.m. and just walking the floor, trying to do things to get PAIN off my mind, knowing, of course, that PAIN is NOT going to leave. It's here to stay!
Yes, I have pain meds, and I have no shame in taking them. But I also realize I have a choice in that process: either I can be numbed out of my mind, or I can force myself to handle the meds properly, still have PAIN, and still have a LIFE.
PAIN WILL NOT BEAT ME. It will shake me, rattle me, make every bone in my body hurt, drive me to distraction,change my ability to really have complete JOY in life, but it will NOT beat me! I pray every single night for help to GOD, and I know HE hears me!
I am just a person, like so many others, who live their lives daily with pain. We PAIN people...well, we must keep going. After all, in some form or another, there is always HOPE. HOPE that we can get through the day and not let PAIN BEAT US. HOPE for the next day that waits. HOPE for the courage and strength to do battle with PAIN and come out the winner.
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