"Emotional Triggers & Chronic Pain"

It can feel as if my emotions stay on a wicked roller coaster spin, especially when the Pain is raging~~sudden Weather changes hit-and I release a torrent of frustration-everything directed toward the Pain. At these moments-I guess its my way of trying to do Verbal battle with the Pain, knowing I am going to lose that battle each time.  Living with constant Pain is horrible-but its the Path I am walking now and there are real lessons to be learned-its up to me if I choose to accept them.

Life is filled with "Emotional Triggers" ranging from seeing a item that takes us back to our childhood, or hearing a song on the Radio that reminds us of a time that brought great sorrow our way-whatever the memory is, suddenly we are caught up in a mess of Emotions and nothing we do will stop the flow of what we are feeling.  I have spent many a day trying to "stuff" emotions down-figuring it does me no good to cry my eyes out over the Pain I live with~ I grit my teeth, shake the tears away and keep moving.

Perhaps due to the added New Pain I live with now-or lack of sleep, who knows why-but I got caught in the middle of a major "Emotional Trigger" and was shocked at my reaction.  It all came down to something simple~~~I had purchased a beautiful Pashmina Wrap for myself and the Mother of my dearest friend-and I felt like a child at Christmas-I wanted to see the Wrap on her and enjoy that moment.  But my Pain was doing everything to keep me from accomplishing this easy task.  My dear friend called me one night and suggested we just drive by and drop the Wrap off to her-she would be seeing her Mom and mission would be accomplished!  But then my friend said something that proved to be the Emotional Trigger- "You don't even have to get out of your car--I will walk out and get the Wrap from you!"

I held myself together until we ended our conversation and then fell apart-the tears were mixed with anger as I tried to explain to my dear husband why all of this was hitting me so hard.  Words were flying out of me and I even commented "Well thats it, I don't have to bother her again with anything!"  The look on his face told me so much-this amazing woman has been my dear friend, and I love her as my Sister~  Finally my husband looked at me and said "Don't you think its time to let the Anger out?"  

I fell into his arms, sobbing because he had hit that place of Emotions--all so tightly wrapped up inside me and I knew~~~none of this had anything to do with a Pashmina Wrap-or a friend doing what friends do~~~making a genuine offer to help me.  Everything is wrapped around Pain and the huge impact it keeps having on my body~~with me feeling so helpless against this Pain-the picture isn't a pretty one and I don't spend that much time looking in the mirror as I once did.

My precious friend came by recently and I finally found the courage to tell her "I got really Mad at you a few days ago, I am so very sorry!"  I felt like a bad kid and was trying to stuff everything back in, but she reached out, touched my arm and I could feel LOVE flowing from her as she asked me to please explain what had happened.  I poured my heart out to her--and God bless her, no judging was done by her, she listened to my heart and helped me understand about "Emotional Triggers."

How I wish the Pain was better-but its not and there is still so much of life to enjoy~~my laughter does not come as easily~~~but thanks to God--it still does come!

God be with all those who must face each day with Pain by their side.

Martha