This photo is very real-I can't dodge the Wrinkles starting to show up, and I grimace at the knowledge of Pain showing on me, knowing it is taking so much away from me and I will never be able to gain any of it back. New Pain has risen and a decision faces me regarding surgery.
Today was my visit with the Neurosurgeon-a bulging disc in my neck is causing major Pain and the surgery sounded so "simple" to him-like snapping your fingers and "Wow~~~you are healed!" Its not that simple-and doctors must "distance" themselves to some degree as they talk about slicing a person's throat area open~~they don't carry the Scar---but the patient does.
My sister has had too many surgeries done to her neck-the first one started out so simple-and everything went sour after that. It seemed as if one surgery after the other was being done to her neck-she just wanted the Pain gone! I haven't seen or heard from my sister for almost five years now- the last thing I knew was her decision to have a "artificial neck" of sorts put inside her and surely that would be the miracle cure-but she would now move like a Robot!
When I heard the words "Cadaver Bone/ Steel Plate" being used to replace my Bulging Disc~I no longer
heard the Surgeon speaking-I was back in time, visiting my sister after she had this exact surgery and my heart broke to see how much Pain she was in. I recalled how my eyes went directly to the Scar across her throat, and her life began to slide downward as the Neck Pain Won and Anger filled her heart.
The doctor kept talking about finding out why I have a poor immune system~~~all the testing he would want done, new medications for my system to be boosted up before surgery-Fear was rising in me, hard and fast-all I could think was "Oh my God, I will become my Sister!" My heart was racing as I recalled the long recovery my body went through after a massive infection almost killed me from my body rejecting a device implanted to "ease" Pain signals going to my brain. It felt as if I was backed against a wall, fighting to shelter what was left of Me!!
He said the decision was mine-I didn't have to jump right into surgery yet~~~but reminded me the day might
come when I would beg him to operate. I left his office, feeling like a bad child-being stubborn and fighting against having surgery~~~but the truth was that Fear had grabbed hold of me, all the memories of struggling to find my way back from surgery, infection, surgery, injections~~~I came through all of that by the grace of God and sheer will to hold on tight to what was left of Me.
This is the dark side of Pain that so many people face~~decisions that send a chill down your aching spine, fear that your loving Spouse is weary of trips to the doctor, hospitals~~its not a pretty picture. I am making a decision to live with Pain-no Surgery. I hope God will not mind doing some "over-time" work with me.
Thank you for listening.
martha
This is your reality, your life. Thank you for allowing us inside. For giving us a glimpse of what you endure and battle every day. Every hour. Every minute.You are far, far stronger than any of us could ever HOPE to be.
ReplyDeleteSheryl,
DeleteHaving to face this Pain each day takes all of me as I struggle through this battle of me against an invisible enemy that is showing up in ways I never dreamed would happen.
...
ReplyDelete...
I have a lump in my throat and I really have no words...
...
I sent you an email earlier asking how the visit went. Well, this is the answer to my question.
...Dear God, wrap Martha in Your Arms...let her feel Your Presence surrounding her, give peace to her mind, and rest to her soul.
...
...Is there any stronger pain meds? Can't they give you pain patches that would help ease the pain?
...it seems cruel to have a human being suffer so much. We put our dogs down when they are in pain and yet we watch each other suffer with such indifference... God forgvie us...aren't their any advances in pain medicines?
....
Tthanks for listening.
Dear Diane~~
DeleteYour response to my post is honest-filled with comments that are coming straight from your caring heart!! The one comment you made about how "we watch each other suffer with such indifference" is HARD to READ, HARD to SEE, HARD to ADMIT--but each word of that statement is TRUE. When we see a person in pain, we are face to face with SUFFERING~~~and nobody cares to see it, or be near it. Yet so many are walking this journey of misery and a kind word, gentle smile, loving touch and a BUCKET FILLED WITH PRAYER is needed.
I will find my way through this--but for a few brief moments yesterday, I felt completely alone. Just me and the Pain. It made me think about all those who feel this way and have nobody to reach out to. I am so thankful for you love and continued prayers. God bless you.
martha
What I was referring to was the medical profession. They seem to have the attitude, well, have MY surgery or suffer.
ReplyDeleteOnly those who live with pain can truly empathize with another.
you are right~~~~~their attitude is one of "do it my way or Suffer" and how I wish they had even a clue of what it does to the person who is living daily with PAIN.
DeleteGod bless you for being so willing to LOOK at Pain-and not turn away. What if Christ had turned away from all the suffering HE saw?
Thank you for having such an open heart!!
love,martha
My heart is sad Martha for all you have went through and still going through. I also pray for the Heavenly Father to give you some relief. We have a dear friend who just died from painful cancer. He told his wife, how blessed I must be for God to think I could carry this trial. I struggle with anyones pain especially when it is chronic. You bring us face to face Martha with suffering which we so need to get our eyes off of ourselves and pray for othere such as you. I am pasting your name right at eye level on my computer so I will see it every time I sit down at it. That will insure I pray for you. You are losing any of Martha, your pain is difining you. Praying. Betty
ReplyDeleteBetty, what love you send to me.-- knowing you will keep me in your prayers helps in ways I can' t begin to thank you for in a proper way, because my heart is filled with a humble love that I am sending back to you each day. I love the idea of your posting my name on a piece of paper and having it in your memory each day. You have blessed me with a gift that I know will give me courage as I continue the journey with this Pain.
DeleteYour words also help me to realize pain is not taking so much of me, and maybe there is hope that others who suffer with Pain will find courage to look beyond the Pain and dig hard as they fight through each day. These last few days have some of the darkest for me, but I raise my eyes up and ask for HIS help. Yes some days are terrible, but I cling hard to hope, love, and Faith. You are a wonderful person Betty, and I thank God for you. Love, martha