Pushing myself to SMILE...

This photo was taken of me shortly before the Wedding of my Dear Friend's Son was about to start.  I was blessed to help with the Rehearsal and in the background, stands some of the Groomsmen but you can't make them out.  Anybody who knows me is assured of one thing-Martha does Not like to have any picture taken of herself!  Now this is not for anybody to say "Oh Gee, You shouldn't feel like that" but its me being very honest! Underneath the makeup and fresh hairdo-is the body of a very tired woman who is in Pain and wants to go home, slip into some Pajamas and go to bed!  This was my "First" time to have my hair and makeup done professionly-but it didn't last long. We were walking into the Reception Hall as my husband says "Heh-what is that black thing hanging down from your eyes?"  Yep-False Eyelashes-making me suddenly feel like Lucille Ball in the Movie "Eight is Enough" with Henry Ford as she looks down to see a False Eyelash floating in her creamy Coffee Drink and mine were Tiny-but Aging eyes have a way of saying "Not today Dear!"

Now you must be thinking "if Martha doesn't like her picture being taken, then WHY is she posting one? I decided to do this for two reasons: First: this is a very happy SMILE on my face and second:  I am Not dressed in Black!  My husband had decided this would be one time when Martha was going to put some Color on, no matter what.  We spent hours at the local mall, with my him waiting patiently as I would try a Black outfit on, and just see him shake his head in a firm "No" and we would start all over again.  The amazing thing about my wedding attire was that while I was changing clothes at the mall, dear hubby walked all over the place and this is the outfit that He chose for me!

I think he was stunned to hear me say "Heh, I actually Like the way this looks" and that was all he needed, as he rushed to the counter to pay for it-probably with a fear if enough time went by, I would be back at the Black Pantsuit area, looking for something else.  He told me how proud he was to escort me into the church and I must say, he was the most wonderful "escort" I could ever dream of having.

Smiling-something that seems like it should come so natural-easy-straight from the heart, but when you are in the Chronic Pain Battle Valley-smiles seem to fade away, replaced  with deep lines in your face showing lack of sleep, too much Pain, worry, everything that is offered on the Chronic Pain Menu!  I have been told my Pain will be hanging around for a long time to come-even into my "Golden Years"-wait-my body is telling me I have already arrived at that spot!  Sometimes people will ask my age and I never hesitate but just throw out, "Oh I am 85-don't I look good for my age!"  They don't buy it for a second and behind my flippant remark is the unspoken one- "well I look like I am 85 because of all these years of Constant Pain beating against my body-heck-you should see me when I first get up in the morning-I promise you, its not pretty!"

But those words never come-instead I have learned to paste the "half-smile" on my face and people who really know me-understand to not ask how my day has been, because my face tells them the news is not great.  It would be pretty easy to get MAD about this-and I do mean MAD-but what purpose would that serve?  All I would be doing is wasting precious Time given to me and I choose not to do that.

Yes-many days come when I can't toss on the "Half-Smile"-heck I can't even find it, and could care less about trying to locate it.  A Smile is so pretty, sweet, loving, glowing-and can light up the world around us.  But being in Chronic Pain for so long-well its why I make the "Age Comment" about myself because I probably don't look like I am 85 but all of me feels "Much Older!"

I have gone back and forth in my mind about posting this photo-because I didn't want to do it for comments of praise about looking nice-instead I wanted to show this photo to serve as a reminder for myself "Heh, Martha-guess what-You can Still really Smile!  One more precious thing that PAIN will never completely take away from me!  Maybe one day, we need to get as many PAIN WARRIORS as possible, line up and when they say "CHEESE" for a photo- we all say "Have you lost your Mind?"

I pray you hold tight to the joy in your heart that brings a Smile to your face-Pain has No right to take that from anybody!  God bless you and keep looking up for Joy-mine has come today through the writing of this blog post.  Thank you God for letting me see my Smile!

Martha