Rough days of Pain....

I look toward the distant sky-hoping there are some clouds growing dark, giving me the "common" reason as to why my Pain level has risen and seems to have no stopping point.  Nope-clouds are not dark, the sun is bright and here I am, in what we Texans call "Kick-Butt Pain" and the logic in my brain tells me "Heh Kid, you know how this works-so you just better dig in harder!"

My mind was running over things I could do-maybe even push myself a bit further and suddenly it hit me "I know a job I can handle-its sitting just outside the door of my office in the yard, waiting for somebody to take it out of the way!"  Wow, I was off and scrambling to find tools I hadn't touched in a long time, but found them and finally stood face to face with my job-tearing the Dog House down we had built many years ago for our Dog who passed away a few years ago.

God is amazing as to how He watches over me-I started this project with such gusto, not even thinking as to where my dear husband might be, only knowing I was going to get this job done and show him I still had some strength left in me.  Silly me, as I began pulling boards off, throwing them out of my path of work, he stood quietly out by our barn, watching me, waiting to see if I fell, which is what we both dread the most and yet giving me all the space I needed to try to do this task.

Less than thirty minutes later and only a few boards removed, I had dragged my aching body back to the house, grabbing a glass of water, stretching out in my chair, and realizing "Martha-Your Pain is still here, what do you think will happen if you keep going back out there?"  I simply shook those thoughts away and headed back to the old Dog House again.  I finally managed to get the roof taken loose, after pulling, tugging, struggling with the last of my remaining strength  and as Pain began to scream at me, I threw all my tools on the ground and slowly walked toward the barn where my husband still stood, watching me.

I can't put into words how much it bothered me to let these words come out of my mouth, and saying them felt worse "Heh, Husband-guess you have seen what I decided to work on, right!"  He was very silent and said "Yes, so how is it going?"  It was a low moment-but I knew the answer and said "Its Not going at all and if you don't mind, I could use your help-because if I keep going like this, we both know what will happen!"

Long story short-He knew it was time to step in and we both finished the old Dog house off.  Later as I was sitting with him on our front porch, I asked him "So tell me how pitiful it looked as I struggled out there" and he was wonderful but honest "Martha-it looked like you just kept walking around it, trying so hard to pull a board off  and then you would do the same thing again!  I was just waiting-and praying you would stop and realize, you were in over your head."

He was so very right and the only reason I had even started this job was to do something, anything that would take my mind off this miserable Pain.  I have my normal moans and groans, but try to keep the real complaining to a minimum if possible.  Lately-I can't even do that because this Burning in my Butt that then runs all the way down my leg and then takes every bit of my foot and just keeps Burning , day and night-well it's taken a lot out of me.

Pain is so tough on the body-and thats why I know the importance to keep trying, don't just give up completely-yet I will be the first one to say there are many days where I will just do a lot of NOTHING.

I learned a lesson with the Dog House-a painful lesson and will not try that again.  God gives me free will and Chronic Pain is a daily lesson of learning-how to handle these tough days, how to let go of things I loved doing, how to face the reality of my life with Pain, and most of all, be thankful for how much God loves me.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit-and please feel free to drop in and do the same.  I have a good listening ear, a burning butt and an open heart.  God bless all of you. Martha