Seeing a Loved One Suffer....

My precious Dad passed away on April 21, 2003-even though many years have passed by, for me it still seems as if it were just a few days ago.  He was completely "present" till the very end-I knew the time would come one day when his body simply couldn't hold on, but I was stunned when it did happen.  We had spoken to each other that morning as I was headed to the Pain Clinic for Injections-praying as always for some relief to help me re-group-and get prepared to go another "Twelve Rounds" with Pain.    I recall my Dad telling me that morning as we spoke on the phone "Well Sister, I think that old Leg Pain is gonna stay with you for the rest of your life!"  My heart was silently agreeing with him, but my head was thinking, "I will fight this Pain until there is nothing left of it" but knowing-This Pain is BIG-and since the awful day I fell from that tree-it has never Left my body-so my sweet Dad knew exactly what he was saying.

I find myself reflecting backwards today-and wonder how my Dad felt as he watched his daughter go through so much Pain-realizing there was nothing he could do for me, but pray and love me.  Maybe God didn't want me to understand it at that time, but now-I see us both as a "reflection of each other" suffering with physical Pain, hurting so much, taking such a toll on our bodies, and I am sure he had moments of just wanting to quit, but the "fighting spirit" within him and passed to me, kept us both from giving up.

It is not my intent to make it appear as if we were both major "Warriors" as we fought our Pain, because there were many times when I would see Dad, knowing his smile was gone,  and watching him looking way far into some distant place-longing for all the joys of life he once had in his grasp, now gone and his body so frail.  The night he passed, I had to walk inside the Assisted Living Center on a walker, as my legs were so numb from  injections done that day-and I found myself silently thinking "Wow, this must really look weird!"  What I didn't know was that when a patient was near death, all the other residents were quietly escorted to their rooms, giving total privacy for the family-and also sparing  the residents from thinking "Well, another one is leaving, wonder when it will be my Turn?"

I would have done "anything" to push away the suffering my Dad went through-but he had been a heavy smoker for over 50+ years, each time as he would light up another one, suddenly this terrible hacking cough would arrive as I told him "Daddy, Please stop smoking, Please!"  He would pause while fighting for a breath of clean air and tell me "Yep Sister, you are right, but I can't quit-just been doing it for too long!"  From that day on, I never fussed at him again because he had spoken the Truth so clearly to me and I did not want a single second of our time being taken up with fruitless pleadings. There are things we just have to accept-no matter how much we wish they could be different.

Shortly before he passed, a day came when our "Pains" united with each other-he had suffered a stroke that took his left foot away from a normal position and leaving it almost bent "crooked" and at times he would tell me "Dang this old foot is sure aching today Sister" as I would be thinking of ways to ease his Pain, while being vividly reminded of my own Pain, and feeling so helpless in my fight against it.

One day came that pushed me to help him, no matter how I had to do it, and without thinking I knelt down on the floor, gently taking his Foot and moving it back to a "more normal position" and holding it steady, not allowing it to move.  Daddy looked down at me, knowing how my own Pain was screaming at me while on the floor, and yet instant Relief flooded over him!  He smiled at me and gently said "Sister-thats the best its ever felt since that Old Stroke hit me"-as I fought back tears, telling him "Daddy, I would gladly stay right here and keep it this way so you don't have that Pain!"  

I can't imagine all that was going through his mind-but being the Parent, he spoke up and said "Now Sister, you know its only gonna hurt your body just as bad to stay there-so I think you and me are gonna have to tough it out and live with this Suffering!"  My heart broke as I gently allowed his foot to return in that horrible position, watching Pain slide across his face and as I pulled my body up, Pain arrived fast for me, giving me the same reminder my Dad had spoken of "We have to live with this Suffering!"

To this day I shall never forget the agony my Dad went through-but on this day of all days, I have looked back and God has opened a "window" for me-reminding me that I am Not Alone!  Today I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for God having given me such a wonderful Man that I was honored to call Daddy.  I know he is watching over me and now he is free from the suffering and Pain that once had him in its grasp.

My Joy on this day is simple-I am remembering my Dad and loving him as he resides peacefully in Heaven.