"July 04th-comes too early"

 I hear sounds of "Early" Fireworks-the stands are open- the race is on for days of non-stop  Fireworks Displays. This date-July 04, 1990 is always with us, there is no place to run or hide
from the memories of the nightmare we faced that day.......

The Phone rang too Early, it couldn't be my Husband- he had just left for work, yet a sense of dread filled me as I answered the call.  It was from a Police Lieutenant, wanting to know where my husband was.  Something in his voice had my attention as I started demanding "What is Wrong with My Husband?"  His tone lightened, as he assured me all was fine, but he needed to speak with Matt.  The nerves in my stomach tightened- Something was Very Wrong and I begged him to have my husband call me when he got to the Station.

Minutes were dragging by-the clock read 4:45am-nothing made sense- the phone rang again, I grabbed it while praying "Please God let my Husband be alright" but it was my Sister-in-law, asking if "Mom" had spent the night with us- my Mother-in-law would visit us often but not this day.  Her next words sent chills through me-"Oh the Alarm Place called, they are saying the Alarm System at Mom's house is going off but she isn't answering the phone!"  

I lost track of her words-as I started piecing calls together-feeling sick with Fear- I tried to ease her fears, promising to call her if I heard any further news.  She told me her oldest Brother had already left for his Mom's house-a voice was screaming inside my heart- "Pray Hard-Don't Stop!"  I hung the phone up, only to hear it ring again- my Husband's words were choppy, fast, sharp as he said"Martha-something has happened to Mom!  I don't know what is wrong but I have to go now!"

The phone fell from my hand, and I started sobbing  "Dear God, Please be with Mom!"  I knew-God was right beside her! It seemed as if time had stopped-and one final call from my dear husband was the
was the Beginning of our Heartbreak as he choked out words-no Son should have to speak                    
                                                            "Martha, Mom is dead!"

We learned a "Repeat Offender" who had been in and out of the Prison System-broke into her home, ransacked the house, then severely beat and stabbed my beloved Mother-in-law Six times.  He was caught that morning, and confessed to killing her, and is in Prison for the rest of his life.

Why did this happen to a Woman who was filled with love for all,  reminding us each night "Before you Go to Sleep, Make sure you Say your Prayers!" Heaven has one very  Special Angel who watches over us.

The Fourth of July will never be easy for us-but by the Grace of God, we keep finding our way through, as we choose to recall the good memories of "Aggie."  She taught me about God's amazing Love every second I was with her.

I will miss her forever.....  God bless everyone, especially "Victims of Violent Crime."  Martha

Going to the Craft Store on a Hot Day!

One of my favorite shopping outings is dropping by the Craft Store, as it allows my imagination to run free, surrounded by fabrics, new craft ideas, floral decorations-the list goes on and on. Heh Husband thought it would be a good idea for this outing and finds his own areas of interest, giving me time alone with my Ideas!

As with the majority of our country, Texas has arrived at  "Summer Temps"-hitting 100+ degrees by noon,  but thank goodness, its not as severe when last year, Summer showed up about a Month early and we thought there was no end to the Heat Wave!  I have lived in Texas all my life and heard my parents talk about the "Heat Wave of 1954"- "Chickens were dropping like Flies in the Pen!" Times were hard back then but people managed, and something tells me the Heat made them tougher!

I wanted to get away from this Heat and the Craft Store sounded "heavenly" as we took off-arriving to beat the afternoon rush of people.  But this trip had more than Shopping waiting for us- we hunted for a place to park, all the "Handicapped Parking" slots were full (yes I finally gave in and got one of these Special Parking permits) it helps without question.

But nothing was available as Heh Husband searched for a spot to park our large Truck-his eyes saw a Shaded area, that was all he needed and parking seemed like a breeze.  I recall hearing "Can you get out?" Sure I can get out-not observing the area was filled with plants, surrounded by a ton of smaller rocks-but for me, a breeze~!

I was in a hurry to reach the store and didn't give much attention to the Rocks, Tree, and Curbing-only inches from me as I took my first step. That was the "Only" step I got to take, as I landed in the rocks!  It wasn't a fall-these rocks were piled up so high, it was like landing on a Hard Cushion!

Here I am, laying amongst the rocks-So Close to my Favorite Store and yet-so Far Away!  Dear Husband is relaxing in the truck, windows rolled up, having No clue to as to my Latest Mess.  I am determined-so I manage to roll over a bit, getting on my knees-only to now find myself "Pinned between the Curbing and our Truck" I think, "this is Not Going well!"  Finally I knew-time to put Pride aside as I  knocked on the truck door, hoping Matt could hear me over the music he seemed to be enjoying!

The next few minutes were priceless-door opens, my husband is looking for Me but I am on the Ground!
I hear the Door Close and think "This is Not Going Well" as I start banging on the door-harder and louder! The Door opens-but nobody is there (or so he thinks) I start yelling "I am on the Ground!"  Next thing I know, Heh Husband has flown around the truck, thinking the Worst-A Bad Fall-there I am, on my knees and smiling at him!

It was a priceless moment-He slowly asks "So How was your Shopping Dear?"  Laughing as he helped me to my feet, I am stomping my way to the store, brushing dirt from my clothes-looked back to see that
familiar loving Smile!  I beamed with delight and yelled back, "Thanks for the Helping Hand Dear!"  I enjoyed my shopping and as I walked outside, there was the familiar "honking" to let me know-he had moved the truck so we didn't have a Repeat Performance!

Probably not hard to figure out my Joy Moment-Yep-being pulled out of my "Bed of Rocks!"

God bless all who walk their Path of living with Chronic Pain.

Martha

"Hitting the Wall"..........

I recently heard this expression from one of my Blogging Friends-Betty, who explained the meaning of these words in relation to Chronic Pain-lets just say it was a true "Gift from God" as I needed to understand it fully.  My need to understand it is simple-I am truly scared of having to admit "My Pain is Very Tiring and Hard to live With" even as I know, people are suffering their own battle of Pain as its probably one hundred times worse than what I deal with.

Last night I arrived at the "Wall" again and this time-I couldn't dig as deep to find more inner courage and just shake it off-using my determination to never let this Pain beat Me.  My heart said "Kiddo-you need
to get on a Crying Jag-big time" but even that frightened me. So I thought a lot about this PAIN-my sidekick for all these years and admitted some things about my Pain- "I don't like it, Pain Wears hard on my body- and yet here I am, thanking God as this Birthday arrived."  

All these feelings are okay to have-and if we have to spend a bit more time at the "Wall", its not fun, but as  fear arrives- I reach for that Hand-His Hand of Love and Nurturing!  Slowly I find my way back up, perhaps a bit more beaten up from the Pain, but still here!

I do not want to miss the joy of being with the love of my life, Heh Husband!  Our Joy doesn't need to be filled with major trips-but can be just as meaningful as we Sit on our Porch and share the moment together.  Maybe I learned a lesson at the "Wall"-I am a woman who had a really bad accident, and I know the Pain will follow me but God is beside me, He sends me friends who will pray for me-even when I am not asking for Prayer.  That is a real blessing.

Today came and went-I didn't rush my way through it-instead I relaxed and cherished the day as I adjust  to
my New Age Number!  Many birthday wishes arrived, with love for me on this day.  Its not hard to find my
Joy Moment on this day- It arrived the second my eyes opened and I thanked God for giving me this day.

God be with all those who suffer and face their "Wall" in the Journey with Chronic Pain.

Martha

Who could this be???

                                                                 Just look at the Smile!

Okay-its a very "young"  Texas gal-sitting in her oldest brother's lap-beaming for the cameras!  I tried to do some editing on this-as it does carry some Age with it- Heh Husband looked at it, studied each angle and asks "Okay-I give up, who is it?" I flashed my biggest Smile possible and he still seemed lost-as I explained with frustration "Its Me" as I keep smiling, and he says "People don't look like their Baby Photos" as I grabbed my precious photo from him, only to hear a gentle chuckle "But that sure is a pretty baby!"  

I wanted to write a post as my birthday arrives-recalling all the memories I shall cherish forever.  There were four of us kids-two boys, two girls-I recall Mom telling me stories regarding my arrival into this world-one seemed  special to her, "Well, I had the boys and wanted a little girl so much. I prayed so hard and suddenly, You were here! Guess the shock of my prayer being answered stunned me because your Dad and I could Not choose a name for you."  

As I recall, She shared how the hospital officials kept fussing with them, explaining they Must have a name- Moma quickly said "Her name is Martha!"  Thank Goodness, a name was added to the birth records and home we went.  Once there, Mom called her Dad to let him know all was well with me-but he had One question, "Daughter-what did you name the little one?"  Moma spoke my name, then heard him burst into tears.  She begged him to say something and he shared, "You named your Daughter after my own Mother" never known by my Mom, but  brought such joy to my Grandpa.  Fast forward two years ago-I had a photo of my Grandpa standing beside the Headstone of His Mother-we knew it was located somewhere in Oklahoma and after a lengthy search, we located the Cemetery. Within minutes I stood beside the final resting place of my Great-Grandmother!

I am grateful for this special memory and all the others as I move through life-being blessed with such a
husband-Matt, as I too Prayed for God to bless me with a man who would truly love me and honor me forever.  Here we are, 37 years later, sharing our own roller coaster moments of life and we Pray for many more years together.  If you were to ask "what is your best blessing?"  That one is easy-The blessing of being Brought into this world-God deciding there would be a Martha!


God bless my Parents-I pray they rest peacefully on the shores of Heaven.  Thank you God.

Martha







 

The "Other" side of Pain...........

When it comes to Physical Pain, I can chant all the "aches, hurts" to anybody listening, making me seem like a frustrated Expert!  Heh Husband has told me me"Martha-I know about the Burning Pain, seems its mentioned by you more than I can recall-but heh, its okay-just keep telling me about it!"  Yep-this is my second to think-"might be a good idea if I just kept quiet about this Pain for a bit."

But there is another Side of Pain we don't speak of as often-the aching of a heart, broken by Painful moments in life, the Ache has a way of getting stuffed deep inside-because it hurts too much to let go and allow it to bubble up for all to see.  I can attest to this Side of Pain- and face it each day as I ask God to watch over our Son.  I hear other parents talk of breaks in their family and my head is hung low-realizing this type of Hurt is everywhere.

Today I came face to face with a Woman going through the Other Side of Pain-I was waiting patiently as Heh Husband finally chose a new cellphone and was struggling to learn a five minute lesson on how to operate the phone-which turned into thirty minutes.  For some reason this Woman caught my attention, I noticed how she would glance back and forth as we both joked about the New Phone-it seemed as if she was hanging on our moments of laughter.  She looked flawless on the outside, but it seemed like a ocean of Cracks filled her heart.  Gently she started talking, as she heard the town we live in and told us she had lived nearby this area many years ago.  Just as quickly, the words stopped, she walked around-I could see all the signs-a woman holding on for dear life to Stuff the Pain down-hoping she would not fall apart in front of us.

In this short moment of time, she felt strong enough to share a piece of her heart-her second marriage was failing as she spoke about the difficulty in trying to Blend two families together.  Obviously things had reached a point of no return, she moved out and had recently purchased a home!  I watched as she drew a breath, almost shocked at sharing this with two strangers, and the Pain seemed to weigh heavy!  Time was closing fast as we were getting ready to leave and I knew "Martha-say something to this woman-she needs to know somebody cares."   I quickly stood beside her, as she turned and gently looked my way.

My words were spoken with care "Please realize you are not alone.  I am so sorry you have to go through this Pain!"  We were two women-looking into the hearts of each other-as she struggled for words, but too much Pain was in the way as I could see tears were ready to flow down her face.  I knew there was one more thing to say " I will say a prayer for you, I promise to do that!"  She stood silent, watching us
walk away-as the "Other Side of Pain" was beside her.  My heart ached for her.

We all suffer that Other Pain throughout our lives-but if we reach out to one another and show the face of caring and love-something tells me the Load of Pain gets a bit lighter-even if it is for a few minutes.

God bless. Martha

Beaten by the "new" Computer World.............

My idea of a computer in 1972 was the electric typewriter facing me each day in Typing class- no matter how hard I worked, my fingers were lucky to get 45 words per minute.  Everyone else flew through the textbook-as I sat doing a poor "Hunt & Peck Version of Typing!" When Test Day came, guess who was last at finishing the test-Yes, Me!

Our Teacher took us to a contest-I sat as the lone observer, hearing the sounds of fingers flying over keys,  watching in awe as some Woman typed  95 words per minute-with having just One Arm!  This is true-stunning to observe One hand moving so fast over the keys-leaving me to think  "Kiddo-you should Not be looking at Secretarial work" as I ended the Typing Class with a Grade of C!

My generation didn't have Computers at our side, no I Pad, I Phones-instead our version of IPod was the Eight Track Tape Deck-very cool!  When I first sat at a computer, all I did was type H E L P!!!!  Tons of instructions popped up as I asked my Four year old son "what should Mom do now?"  His answer was clear- the familiar sound of fingers flying over keys-"Typing Class all over again!" With head hung low, I
walked away, having no desire to try the Computer for a while.

 Recently I braved  "New Frontiers" by getting on  Facebook, but my current progress report probably is  F-failing- with no hope of a Curve to the grade.  I knew there was something about Friends-I pushed a button- One Friend turned into Fifty!  People I don't know-haven't a clue who they are, nothing.  I am lost when it comes to Facebook.

I considered  leaving a "Message" with Facebook, but how in the world can I do that?  Which Button do I push?  My fear is the message would go to Friends-all strangers who might say "What is this gal in Texas saying- Something about being Lost in a Facebook Forest-Wait a minute-did someone forget to share with all of us Friends about a New Section of Facebook? If She is in the New Forest Section, we want to go there Too!" 

Without question, Facebook is amazing-but for this Texas Gal-I feel like a person who attended Computer Lessons for Beginners, I wait for people to leave the classroom,  see the Teacher and hand over my "Computers for Dummies Book" as I ask-"Is there a Volume Six of this Series?"  She would peer at me over her glasses and say "No-but stay away from Facebook-you brought me 20,000 new Friends and I don't know any of them!"  

I have been beaten by this part of the Computer World-sounds like its time for me to leave Facebook before I get a message from the FaceBook President!

Thanks for listening.

Martha

Pain Comments from around the World.....

Its easy to get Stuck in our own "Pain Zone" when Pain feels over-powering to us as each day is filled with finding ways to Cope, Move, and not lose Hope.  The past few days have given me another Lesson-as I keep learning Chronic Pain doesn't stay Fixed in one place of our body-created by God.  The Body has a major Coping System-When one area is struggling against Pain,  we feel sudden Pain in areas that never hurt-strained muscles, Neck Spasms, body parts are unlimited-yet Chronic Pain goes On and On.

One of my Pain Friends, Betty put it clearly-"We have hit the Wall again" tough words filled with aching Truth. Its delightful to have days of feeling "human" but Pain is quietly waiting to send misery flying through my body, and no matter how stubborn I am- Pain forces me to Stop!  

There is only One way to describe this process-its Ugly!  Yet we are still filled with Emotions-bringing another Lesson our way-Just stay Calm-or as my dear Heh Husband puts it, "Martha- take it down a notch or twenty!"  He is right- the past two days have given me a Long Stomach Ache-all brought on by getting upset with an Insurance Issue.

Insurance Battles and Chronic Pain are Close Cousins-as both seem to have no Face as I  am begging-

"Listen I am Human-pause from seeing the Condition and Listen to the Person!"  Nice Dream to have-but one that will never come to life. Yesterday I felt very alone and not able to put any of this into words-when a thought hit me-"I wonder how people cope with Chronic Pain in other countries" knowing there are many areas where medical help seems like a dream to people!  I turned to the Internet, looking for Pain Blogs, simple words written by those who are suffering so far away from this place I call home.  The Search was too Fast with answers that caused my heart to break.

Within seconds the Familiar language of Chronic Pain comments was right in front of me-coming from all over the world-Norway, UK, Italy, Israel, France, Numerous Islands in the Pacific, Russia-the list was endless.  Here are some of their Words:

"Being in Pain makes me feel Helpless, I Can't Remember what it feels like to Not Be in Pain, I feel so much Older because of Pain, There are days when the Pain is so bad, I wonder how to keep moving." I pushed away from my Computer and wanted to Sob-these words are all to familiar to me and then I prayed-asking God to please bring seconds of Relief to all who are fighting with Chronic Pain.

My stomach started easing-as I understood why-I stepped away from My Pain to let my heart go out to countless faces in far away places who suffer each day, trying so hard to find seconds of Joy in life!  We are Kindred Spirits-brought together by Chronic Pain, Strangers in many ways-yet the Blessing of Prayer is right in front of us.  So today-pause for a few seconds as you ask for God's Loving Hand to stretch across the world, bringing Comfort to all who are walking the Long Journey with Chronic Pain.

God Bless you.  Martha

"Wonder if Anybody was Watching?"

Its been almost two months since we got the bright idea to "Conquer the Final Frontier" aka-our Front Yard, giving it a major facelift of sorts!  We quickly purchased plants, mulch, etc, but Great aspirations fell apart fast when I heard "Heh Husband" screaming in Pain with a broken thumb- lets just say "The Rest is History!"


Chronic Pain has taught me Lesson after Lesson-some of them I learn, others get cast aside-with me forgetting how Pain loves to hang around, waiting to Sock it To Me.  Pain is one huge Lesson all rolled into one, filled with  Patience, Frustration, Anger, Heart break, Defeat, Acceptance and Humor!  


Martha is without question, one stubborn Texas Woman who doesn't like to quit- so I quietly ordered Four new Plants from a friend and decided I could easily plant these-no help needed.  We visited the friends (my partners in Plant Purchasing Crime) and as we are leaving, Heh Husband sees me walking out with Plants in hand, Chin raised High in the air, a look of Confidence oozing from me as I said "Don't Worry, I have this under control!" 

I figured it wouldn't hurt the plants to "wait" a few days-with me resting, hoping Energy would show up somewhere.  For most people, its pretty easy to bend down toward the ground, dig up dirt, carefully set the New Plant in the ground,  cover it up nicely with fresh soil, job done! But for Martha- lets just say its a different story- any work has to be Fast-as Pain is sitting on Idle, waiting to Remind Me-its the Boss. That first plant seemed easy-as I attempted to plant while bending over, quickly understanding my old body would have to kneel down on the ground for these Four Plants.  I looked around me-seriously-to see if anybody was nearby, maybe parked in the church parking lot (we live behind the church) giving everyone a clear view of Martha's Manual Labor Attempts!  

Once I got down, Pain showed up-keeping me on the ground as I managed a slow crawl toward each plant.  One might ask " Martha-did you enjoy this work?"  Lets just put it this way, as I reached the last Plant-a mental image formed, as I felt like Scarlet O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind" me gripping a planting tool, looking up, screaming "As God is my Witness, I shall Never, Ever Buy another Plant again!"

The final insult faced me-I still had to get my body up from the ground, and the best way I could describe it-well imagine a newborn colt struggling to find its legs, wanting to take those first steps.  I planted one leg, using the Gardening Tool as my "crutch" to steady me and the only body part rising was my butt-sticking out as shaking legs took me down!  Suddenly I saw the porch railing, grabbed it-crawled up the railing, as I did a poor imitation of Spider Man. My old body slumped into the Porch Chair, sweat pouring off me, as I
turn to see dear Husband standing against the fence, having watched Martha in action.

The question of  "Wonder if Anybody was Watching" was answered. My Joy for this day-The Only person watching me was Heh Husband!  


God bless all who battle Pain. 


Martha

"Someone is Catching it Somewhere Tonight!"

This is a phrase shared with my Prayer/Pain Partner Charles-the meaning is simple, without warning, the Pain in our bodies suddenly increases, causing us to walk the floor, twist in our chair, anything to distract us from the rising Pain!  Our weather took a fast change last night as lightning flashed, thunder rolled and we received needed Rain.  But for Charles and me, it meant "Someone is catching It Somewhere Tonight!"

Within minutes, the phone rang and I knew it was my friend who is married to Charles-asking one question "He wants to know-Are you Hurting Bad right now?"  My answer was short "Yep!"  At that moment I had gone from relaxing in my chair, to a frantic walk around the house, knowing nothing was going to stop this Pain until the weather showed up.  My heart aches as I think how much Pain my Partner endures, wishing  I could help more, praying harder for him and countless others caught in Chronic Pain.

This is how we help each other-the blessing is real, and we know our prayers are There for each other.  But the curious side of me decided to go Searching-I looked for data to let me know about Barometric Pressure changes- could  this increase Chronic Pain in a person's body-so I could tell Charles " Its True-Someone is Catching it Somewhere Tonight!"  He would listen quietly as I shared the information in various newspapers about this issue, and wonder if far away Hurricanes could make us hurt more.

One thing about Charles-he is to the point and his heart speaks so clear "Martha-we sure need to pray for everybody out there who hurts worse than we do!" Words of such love-reminding me of the Pain of others and how we need to pray for them!  Amazing words, big heart, wonderful God.

I do pray for all who are suffering with Pain.  If you can-take a second and send One Prayer up for Me and My Prayer/Pain Partner!

God bless.
Martha

Where is the Miracle Cure for Chronic Pain?

Medicine has advanced greatly, bringing  hope for the treatment of many forms of Cancer, refining Surgery into Band Aide Procedures-allowing Doctors to work with high tech equipment that needs only a small bandage to cover the incision area, so people are able to go home the same day!  I applaud these advances because people are spared longer periods of recovery.

In the early days of my Chronic Pain life-I constantly searched the Web, looking for my personal Miracle Cure to ease the Sciatic Burning, stop the chronic Ache in my Back-short way of saying, I was looking for a way to put me back together-before the Fall from Tree!  There are many cutting-edge techniques for Chronic Pain, giving real Hope for those in this wicked fight.  Yet many others have a complex medical history and not all can be solved by surgery.

Someone asked me recently "Martha, How are you feeling?"  My Husband froze in silent prayer "Oh Lord, here she goes" I paused and said "Well, all I can do right now is take life one day at a time!"  What came next was filled with good intention but lacking true knowledge as I heard "oh don't fret-why you will find a Miracle Cure real soon" and watched my husband walk away, figuring he would wait to repair all "Verbal Damage" done by his wife.


I stood silent-wanting to strike out with angry words and thinking how My Journey with Pain is like a wild river, filled with many bends and twists as the river churns forward.  There are parts of my damaged body that can't be fixed with a Miracle Cure.  I wanted to scream back "I could talk forever, but you can't understand how badly I wish  for a Miracle to float my way!"  Here was a moment for me to give a real Face to Chronic Pain and I gave a short running history of where Pain lives inside my body,  followed with how it might feel to be poked constantly with a Hot Burning Ember!  There was complete silence between us-as I heard the words "I am so sorry this is happening to you." For that brief second, the person did
Hear me and I thanked God for giving me courage to explain Pain-instead of Rage about Pain!

Where is the Miracle Cure in my Pain Journey?  Something tells me its right in front of me-God knows me, and He is leading me forward-helping me to step away from the Pain and reach out to others who are suffering.  I am not a brave person-just a old gal from Texas who looks up each day for help, and its there.

God bless.

Martha

How we Love our Dads................

Seems like Fathers Day snuck up fast-I had to check my calendar to be sure this is Fathers Day Weekend and my heart immediately went to memories of my Dad.  It was like watching a movie, moments in time from being a very young child to teenage years, becoming a young woman and then finally Marriage.

I struggled in finding a way to share a brief tribute about my Dad and to give a Loud THANK YOU to all the Dads of this world and it hit me-"Martha-let your heart pick them out" and so here we go:

Childhood years:  We lived on a large ranch with every animal possible-each year Daddy would take me by the hand, showing me so many Expectant Mother Goats while telling me "Now Sister, You can pick one of these Moma Goats and she is yours to keep an eye on!"  I loved doing this and each Moma Goat seemed to have twins which was icing on the cake for me!

Teenager: This memory came the morning after my big night of graduation from high school- I had no clue as to where my life should go- no need to rush it.  As I sat down for breakfast that morning, Daddy sat quietly, looking as if he had been waiting for me-I reached for some toast, making eye contact with him and that was the Go signal-"Daughter-what are your plans now?"  Silence hung in the air as my mind is thinking "Plans" but instead I  said "I don't know Daddy." His next words left a lasting impression with me-"Sister, if you are going to stay here, then you better go get a Job today, and don't come home until you find one!"

It probably sounds a bit hard for a Dad to say this to his daughter-but I heard them, loud and clear.  I dressed quickly, grabbed the newspaper and headed to town, praying to find a job.  God was with me, and I found a job sewing jeans at a factory.  Within a few hours, I had gone from a clueless teenager to a young
woman who found out she could get a job and earn her way, and I returned home that evening, filled with pride!

Grown Woman:  Daddy was ill and living in a beautiful assisted living facility-I knew his time was short but never dreamed how quickly God was going to call him home.  I was on my way to get Injections for the Chronic Pain I lived with each day and my cellphone rang-Daddy was calling to check on me-always being there for me!  Our conversation was simple "Heh Sister, hope everything goes good today."  We made some small talk and I told him "Daddy I love you and promise to come see you in a few days after I feel better from these shots!"

There was a pause on his end- "Well Sister- I hate to tell you this, but I think you are gonna be living with that old leg pain for the rest of your life."  Why was he telling me this?  I struggled to find words and
finally said  "Daddy, I bet you are right, and I will just have to learn how to deal with it!"  Little did I know my Dad would pass away late that evening, and God gave me a few minutes to tell him how very much I loved him, asking him to say hi to Moma for me and within a flash, he was gone.

This man gave me a lifetime of memories I shall cherish forever and I thank God for having him as my Dad.  Let us honor all Fathers around this world, those still waiting to feel the joy of holding their first child in their arms and especially the Fathers who have done their work here on Earth and are now in the loving arms of their Heavenly Father.

Thank you for allowing me to share my Dad with you.  God bless.  Martha

Did I really pay attention?

Last night my husband asked me to look at his Broken Thumb-all the Pins have been removed and he must wear a brace to hold the Thumb in place until September. I paused from watching mindless TV and looked at his thumb-thinking to myself "that is One Ugly Thumb" but  kept those words to myself.  Instead I offered words of praise, telling him it looked Great and turned my attention back to TV.

After 37 years of marriage, we have a comfortable "language" flowing between us-example being when I call him to my office-seeking his input on my Pain Blog, wanting to see if he likes something I wrote.  He will give it a quick glance, with a "Yep, looks good" then Waits in silence for me to speak-letting him know I agree or need to talk about something else.  Its simple-the man pays Close Attention to me, giving me tons of Love and a bunch of Respect!  How did I get so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life?  All I know is I prayed very hard, many long years ago and without doubt, God heard my prayers and I met my dear Matt.

All I have to do is holler "Heh-Husband" and I hear him telling me "Yes I hear You, Hang on for a Second-Yep I am on the way, Yes Dear!"  Words of love, mixed in with a bit of frustration-simple way to put it, We call it our Marriage-as we both live with the Good and Bad times of life-when we lean on each other and lean very hard on God.

So why was this nagging question the first thing on my mind today- "Did I really pay Attention to my husband's Thumb last night?"  The answer was too clear for me-No, I glanced at it, made my brief comment and that was it!  Something tells me as I turned away, he was thinking "Geez, is that all I get?"  Shame hits me as I admit to myself "Yes, Husband-its all you got from me and I am Sorry!"

I am not a bad wife-but I am a wife who has been wrapped up tight with Chronic Pain for sixteen years and  sadly I forgot the most important person in my life, who just needed a little more time cast his way, letting him know his Thumb is beautiful, just the way it is now!  My heart aches as I realize my "Goof"  in paying needed attention to my Husband.  Its one mistake I will do my best to Not repeat again.

My determination to fight back against Pain is very strong, but my love for "Heh Husband" is bigger
than any Pain Battle-and one Banged Up Thumb sent me a Powerful message last Night!

God bless all the Fathers on this Special Weekend and we Thank you God for our Fathers who watch over us from Above~

Martha

Giving Respect to Chronic Pain...

Wait a second, I put the words out there, Giving Respect to Chronic Pain-and felt like I had stumbled into a strange land!  How in the world could I begin to give any Respect to my Pain-when all I want to do is chase it out of my life forever!

Chronic Pain has a way of becoming too familiar-meaning I know how it feels, why its hurting, all the medical treatments I have been through to bring me some relief and as a result, Pain tends to be like a pair of old shoes you want to throw away, but something keeps saying "Nah, I will do that later, after all, they don't look that bad on my feet!"

There are many days when people see me and say "Martha, you really look Good today, wow you must be feeling so much better!"  Sometimes they are right-I have times of Pain relaxing into a slow dull sensation-giving me moments of freedom that are so precious!  Thinking of Pain in this way shows me its probably okay to give the Pain a bit of grudging Respect-but my mind is always thinking "Just don't Get Used to Me being Nice to Pain, Okay!"   Yes-sounds a bit strange but when Chronic Pain is right beside you, taking you down-to a place where you are begging for a single second of Relief-I can see the desire in  "giving Pain a harsh tongue lashing" so we can still feel like ourselves-instead having to deal with the non-stop throb of Chronic Pain.  Yes-I see the reasoning of Respect clearly.

Yet the lines of Respecting Pain are easily crossed, forgotten-we are very human and want to enjoy our lives, being like others who don't have Chronic Pain hanging around.  We forget about Pain, and get busy doing things we once could attempt with ease- suddenly Pain comes flying back around us-knocking the wind out of our sails and we feel as if our bodies are down for the count.   I had my "reminder" this week-it happened with Stubborn Farm Chickens being chased by a Stubborn woman,  and all I can say is Pain stood up to me, slapped my body hard, telling me "Chronic Pain is right here-don't try that again!"  Believe me, as tears flowed from hurting so much, I found that word "Respect"  and finally gave in!

I did not say "Give Up"-two words I do not care for at all, and probably help explain why I can be a very Stubborn woman-but I learned an important lesson this week-given to me in a Pain-filled manner:
Its okay to Respect Pain-let's be honest, living with Chronic Pain is exhausting!  Your body is drained morning, noon, and night from the war with Pain-Resting is definitely needed, and it took this round of suffering to help me be more open to how I need to care for my body so Pain doesn't take me down to the ground. 


There will probably be mistakes made again-times when I forget about Respecting Pain-but finding myself at the "Wall" this week-begging for relief, crying and asking friends for Prayer because I had no energy left.
What a blessing to feel those Prayers, understanding I didn't have to reach very Far for them!  I pray for all who are suffering this battle against Chronic Pain, asking "God help all who must walk with Pain."

My Joy for this day-being able to get out of bed today and not feel as if a Train had just run over me!

God bless you.

Martha

Dealing with Pain.............

Dealing with Pain-oh those three words sound delightful-but here I am and the Pain Game has slowly  turned, to let me know Pain is Dealing with Me! After so many years of being in Pain, my Coping Skills List is familiar-giving me a feeling of knowing which Skill I wish to pull from the shelf and throw at Pain, so I can find a bit of relief as my day goes on.

People who have known me for a long time are very aware of my fierce determination to keep going and never allow Pain to take all of me out of the picture-true facts, but those people don't get a "Behind the Scenes Peek" to see how rough my days can be. If they could be with me for just one day, something tells me they might walk away with deeper insight to living with Chronic Pain-and would be speaking silent words of prayer "Thank God I don't have to live like she does!"   I agree with them-Living with Pain on a daily basis is no Picnic-there is no way anyone can truly explain their own Pain, or how they cope with it each day and I hold all those who suffer with Pain up high-they are True Warriors, struggling to have Life in spite of Pain.

I have been going through a round of tough injections to silence the wicked Sciatic Burn running from my butt, down my leg, ending in the tips of my toes and there has been progress-but I do not fool myself and think the Burn is gone for good.  Think of your own body, being 12 feet up in a tree-then falling, hitting the ground Hard, as your buttocks take the full impact!  Nerves are damaged, Scar Tissue shows up fast, and the Burn begins!  The Sciatic Nerve is a Major part of the body-it took years for me to understand the importance of researching and learning everything about this Nerve, then using this knowledge as a tool for help in the battle of  Pain.

God is my best coping Tool-plain and simple!  I find myself uttering words of Prayer throughout my day, "Oh Lord, help me" and then its repeated over and over as I go about doing  simple things-and slowly I notice, "Wow, the Pain doesn't seem as bad now" and I am thankful for the brief moment of clarity.

The Best Pain Warriors in the World have bad days, weeks, months-yet we keep moving and refuse to allow Pain complete victory in our lives.  God is there for the asking and I find myself reaching out, taking time to "Talk and pray" realizing how human I am, knowing I have hit a low spot in the Pain Battle, and its okay to slow down-and let myself Rest in His Embrace.  

Right now-Pain is Dealing with Me- all I can do is take it one second at a time. As I close this post, my moment of Joy arrived, as I look out my window and see the beauty surrounding me here on our farm.  For all those suffering with Chronic Pain, I ask God to help you during the darkest moments-and if you don't mind,  please say One Prayer for me.  

God Bless you all.   Martha

Having to face my Shallow Bucket!

Each morning I get up with my body aching, letting me know Pain has not left-instead it allowed me a few hours of sleep and is always ready to join me as I find my way through the day.  I had a Dental appointment this morning-never a fun place to be but My Dentist is caring and realizes how much Pain I live with-so he works very hard to not cause me any further Pain.

I was waiting for his question "Are you wearing your Night Guard to ease the Grinding you are doing?"  My eyes did not meet his as I sat looking down, feeling like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar-but the Dentist showed no sign of letting the issue go away.  He waited patiently-no words being spoken-as I finally looked up at him, glaring as I said "No-so there, You have the Answer!"  I was a bit shocked to feel this much frustration, and really couldn't get a good handle on why I was acting this way.

My anger pushed forward as I rattled off a list of symptoms that shout "This Gal is really Grinding her Teeth" and words began tumbling out "I couldn't chase the Chickens yesterday, Pain is with me all the time, My Sciatic Nerve Burn is trying to Roar back to life, and well-guess you get the picture!"  Little did I know, God was showing up to send me a message-there was a long pause and then he started:

 "Martha-you don't have a Full Bucket of Energy, the sweet Technician sitting  beside you-well she has a Full Bucket and can grab a handful of energy to tackle something without any trouble!  My Bucket is Half Full-and I have learned how many times I can reach inside-but Your Bucket is very Shallow-every Bump you hit, every time your Pain screams at you, there is very little Energy left in your Bucket to help you bounce back!


I wanted to scream "Do you understand how Hard it is to have a Shallow Bucket?" But I knew it was time to listen and be open so the words could sink into my heart.   How could my Dentist know the exact words to say, realizing their heavy Weight and yet cared enough to help me hear them!  Silence filled the room-Tears were ready to flow-but as usual, I pushed them down and asked "Well-it sounds like you are telling me it might be a good idea if I just learned how to Chill out a bit more than I do!"  A huge smile exploded across his face as he said "Yes!"


Its not fun to face the facts-but sometimes we just have to do it!  I asked my dear Husband one question tonight-"Can you tell me One Thing You miss seeing in me since I have been in Pain?" He paused, taking a second to be sure I wanted to hear his answer, and said "I miss your Smile!" It took a lot for 
him to say the words and I knew-its true-I do not Smile as much-because the Battle is Hard and after all, I do indeed have a Shallow Bucket-but by the grace of God, I still have my Bucket around!


Tonight as I sit here at my computer, my Joy moment arrived-as I looked up to see a Poster hanging on the wall, reminding me of my motto "Pain Won't Beat Me" helping me to see past the Pain!  There is no easy secret on how to cope with Chronic Pain-but please know, you are Not Alone and I do pray each day for all who are suffering.

God bless. Martha

Chasing the Chickens-guess who Won the Chase?

A View of Our Farm 

We are very blessed to live on a small farm that sits in the middle of a small Texas Town-many animals have been a part of our farm-goats, donkeys, one large White Turkey who acted like she could help my dear husband build anything he worked on!  It was strange to watch as he would start a project and within minutes, our turkey "Henrietta" would show up, stand next to my husband as if to say "Well, I need a hammer too!"  A day came and we noticed our Turkey was gone-probably grabbed by a stray dog during the night and we still miss that Silly Turkey to this day.

Chickens have proven to be the easiest guests here at our farm-they don't require much care, just enough feed and water- and the chance to get outside in the late afternoon so they can roam around our farm, scratching for bugs we can't see and as the night starts to arrive, they seem to know its time to go back into their Pen with no signal from us.

Yet I must admit, Chickens do have one bad Habit-it seems they take great delight in getting around flowers, shrubs-and can scratch a giant pile of mulch covering the plant, making a mess that feels like you have to start over and put the plant back together.  We have added many new plants to our yard recently and to say its been a Struggle, well thats putting it lightly!  Let's see, We buy Plants, Husband tries to dig in Dry Ground, Sound of Tractor starting up, sudden scream of Husband, letting me know "My Thumb is Broke, Get me to the Doctor, Fast!"  End result being, one broken thumb-needing surgery , both of us having to sit and Watch as a group of men got all the plants in the ground and we saw our New Rock Cross come to life- all of it costing more money than we planned to spend! 

My husband has been watching his Chickens each afternoon, making sure they do not come near the New Plants-and they must figure the Boss is fussing at them-so off they go, no problems, all plants still intact.  That was until late today, when I looked outside to find the Criminal Chickens having a Scratch Party on our new Plants!  It hit me that Dear Husband was at a meeting and the job of chasing them fell to me-now I was Raised on a Farm-so to chase chickens away-seemed easy-but these Chickens acted like I was  "Silly Woman" and stood their ground, with me yelling "Get your feathery butts out of my Plants-now!"  

Nothing happened-they didn't move an inch and I knew the Chase was On! I went after them, flopping my hands in the air, yelling, doing anything to get them moving.  But I had forgotten one very important detail-
 I can't Run-too many years of Pain had taken that away and the Chickens seemed to know it before I did!  There was no chasing, no running, just me trying to Walk really fast and getting louder by the second as the Chickens decided to turn around and head for my plants! For a brief moment, I thought about our Neighbors watching me and the Chickens, and laughing at this sad image of Woman against Chickens! 

My body was screaming at me, letting me know it was time to give up on this Chase because if I moved another inch, my Husband might find me sitting on the ground in exhaustion, crying as I watched these Evil Chickens dancing all around me, tossing my lovely new Plants up in the Air-letting me know who was Boss on this Day!  I made one feeble attempt to get them near their Pen and thought I was gaining on them-but No-they suddenly broke rank, running Six different directions and I knew the battle was lost!

I dragged my tired body to the house, sat down, grabbed a glass of cold water, and made a silent promise-

"I might have been raised on a farm, but I will Never Chase any Chickens Again!"  My husband arrived, and as he strolled through the door- realizing things are not as they should be and asks me

"So who let the Chickens out? Did they get into the New Plants?"

Six Dumb Chickens against one stubborn woman-well not a bad way to find a tiny bit of Joy today!  Take my advice, never try to chase a Chicken............ Martha

Looking Past the Negative side of Chronic Pain is Hard!

First of all, the title I gave this Posting-let me just say its easy to Say the words-but Hard to Really Do it!  Someone asked me recently "How do you manage to Live with So much Pain in your life each day?"  Part of me wanted to say "I Don't" but I knew those words only come on the worst days and it made me stop to think how my life has changed as I open my Heart, to see the Positives I do have in my life!

I am thankful for each day God gives me-there is my starting point, as I drag my aching body around, I realize another tool-Pain has not taken everything from me-yes there are tons of changes in my life,  I am not that wide-eyed young woman who felt she could accomplish any task put before her.  Now I must stop and think before I try to tackle any form of physical work-because Pain has a wicked way of getting your attention to let you know "Heh, looks like you forgot about Me-not a good idea to do that!"


Many years flew by me with tons of resentment growing inside my heart.  One day I was finally hit with the realization of not being able to do a simple task-and my anger exploded toward God-all rolling out of me in sobbing words of heartache!  I sat down and really Prayed-like I hadn't done in a long time and anger vanished, being replaced with Hope-it was a beautiful starting place for me.

I have had many ups and downs since that day-but I do everything possible to keep from sliding back to that place I lived in-where nobody visited, I spent my days in a chair, ignoring phone calls, offers of help- it was just Me and the Pain-not a pretty picture.  Prayer helped me to look past the Negative aspects Pain has brought into my life-instead learning to cherish the small victories in my life!  My eyes have been opened wide to all those around me-who also walk this path of living with Chronic Pain and these are the most humbling moments in my life-its as if I am looking in a mirror, and Prayer for others comes quickly.

Today I went outside to trim plants-all I had to do was gently bend over and cut the dead flowers away-sounds easy-yet it took three hours, with several Moments of Rest, coming inside to flop on the bed in complete exhaustion-and let my body rest!  My level of frustration was Huge but instead of fuming about having to Rest so much, I had a Chat with myself- "Martha-its okay if you don't get this done today!"
I am learning its really Okay to give my old body a break-but please know, I don't Talk to Martha that often, because she can be very Stubborn!


Each person has their way of coping with Pain and I will never judge them-instead I will listen and learn from them.  I pray for everyone who has to live with Chronic Pain-hang in there and if you get a chance, please say One Prayer for Me.  God bless you.  Martha

Taking Chronic Pain on a ride to Facebook!

Computer skills have not come easy for me-our generation grew up with Typewriters with no way to send an instant message-except to pickup the Phone and dial a number on it!  Its been hard to learn this  New Technology, but with the help of a dear friend, I decided to brave these new frontiers and join the land called Facebook!


I have been a part of the Blogging Community for two years and continue to be amazed at the brave people I meet-as they share their personal Journey with Chronic Pain, how they cope, and how they keep thriving in life, Pain right beside them but not stopping them from finding small moments of Joy and Peace!

This is why after much prayer, I made the decision to link my Pain Blog with Facebook-with one goal in mind-perhaps a person is walking the floor in the dark of night-suffering agonizing Pain, and feeling so alone!  They flip on their computer, perhaps type in the words "Chronic Pain" and their eye catches a link to Facebook-were they see a few words from my Blog  Pain Won't Beat Me-and realize, I am Not Alone in this Journey-there are many others out there, suffering as I do.

It helps more than people can understand to suddenly be aware another person lives a life of Pain, just as I do-all I can tell you is the First time I heard another person's story of living with Pain, my heart ached, tears flowed, as I asked God to be with them on the wicked journey of  Chronic Pain.

I am not looking for a miracle as I link up with Facebook-I am thrilled if my personal story of living with Chronic Pain gives a glimmer of hope to one person. After suffering with Pain each day during the past sixteen years-I have learned how small my victories can be-but they give me Hope to keep going and maybe another person will realize "I am not Alone with this Pain- but with Prayer, I can still have the Joy of being Me!"

Please be with me as I learn how to work with Facebook-I am sure my fingers will hit the keys and a lot of mistakes will happen, but here is where I will garner strength from the words I live by "Pain Won't Beat Me" and find my way through the Computer world.

God Bless each person who is suffering with Chronic Pain.

Martha

End Result of Broken Thumb!!

Photo: taken by Sheryl Smith-Rodgers Hearn

Now who would think a broken thumb was the end result of something so pretty in our front yard?  It started out with Dear Husband attempting to dig a hole for one of my new plants, and within thirty minutes, we were both worried sick as to how bad the break was in his Thumb.

This is our Front Yard-now completed with the lovely Cross, plants all around as we sit on our porch and drink in the  beauty.  Yes-we Sit, Matt holding his thumb steady, me with a pillow or two in the chair so I can safely sit for awhile without waking the Burning Butt up!  

I love this photo because it helps people understand my comment of "Well, we do live behind the Church" and its true.  As you look at this photo, the Red building is our old Church, and the larger building is the church hall.  All of the area in front of our yard is covered with our crop of Coastal Hay-it grows most of the year, then goes dormant in the cold season.  When the good Lord led us to this wonderful spot, it looked nothing like it does now.  There was no white fence, only tons of trees, and all of the property needed a lot of Tender Loving Care.  We gave it that and more-and now as we age, the aches and Pains are clear reminders of how much work we have done here.  

The Rock Cross was built by a very talented man, Carmen Perez who attends our church and he let us know after the last rock was in place-"this is the First Cross I have ever done, and I am  proud of it!"  We are too, and something tells me he will be doing more of these-amazing how hidden talents can rise up to give that feeling of accomplishment!

Probably some might be thinking-"Why a Cross in your yard?"  Well-its an easy answer because we saw one like this at a place in Austin,Texas called Lady Bird Johnson Wildlife Center and felt it was the perfect Facelift for our Front Yard.  Yet we never dreamed of Matt breaking his Thumb and having to just sit back and watch as somebody did all of this hard work for us.  

This Cross does wonders for me-I can be in the worst moments of Pain, and once outside, it seems the more I look at it, I start to forget some of my Pain and simply treasure the beauty that is now in my line of view.  As the plants keep growing, we find ourselves talking about more plants here and there-but pause and say "Well, it might be wise if we just waited a while-after all, we don't need a repeat of the Broken Thumb!"

I hope you enjoy the photo-and my Joy today is being able to share this with you.  God bless all who are in Pain.  I pray He lifts you up and holds you in His Loving Embrace.

Martha

Sometimes- "Real" Blessings are right in front of us..

Its day Two of Shot Recovery-and dear husband/aka-Nurse Rachet, noticed me sneaking out to my office and finally gave me the Thumbs Up-his way of saying "I know, you want to get back to your computer and Talk!  After all these years of marriage-we can read each other's thoughts before any words are spoken, I take that as a special treasure-although there are times when we look at each other and say
"Now how did you know what I was thinking?" 

For some reason, this Shot Procedure didn't go as easy- I have a Hard time waking up and believe me, the medical people do Not like this to happen!  I woke up in Recovery to see nurses around me, paying close attention to me-as it dawned on me, Oops-I didn't want to wake up!  Weird how our minds work-late Sunday night, a sense of worry settled over me about the  procedure-and I stopped in my tracks-knowing I needed to spend time in prayer, asking God to please watch over me, and I am very glad to be here, alive and feeling very sore but happy to know the Burn is getting quieter by the day!  AMEN!!!

Today we needed to buy some groceries- Dear Husband seemed okay about me going-now we don't shop like a lot of couples-he has one list, I have the other and we shop by ourselves.  He can move through the store ten times faster, and this gives me a chance to stroll around, being happy to just be out of the house and for some reason, my list is very short.  We keep in touch via cellphones, finally meeting up  at the checkout line. Here is where My Reminder decided to show up-suddenly it felt like all the energy I had in my body was draining Fast!  It doesn't take much to give dear Husband the clue that something is not right as I asked him to please find me a Sprite-I needed something Cold to drink and he managed to do it without taking his eyes off me!

Finally Martha realizes-"If I don't sit down fast, I will be laying here on the floor" Matt is shoving the keys to our vehicle toward me-knowing I was paying the price for having pushed myself too much!
My eyes were searching for a place to sit and quickly saw a chair I could make it to- told Matt he could find me there!  Relief hit his face as he watched me slump in the chair, drinking the cold Sprite, and wiping my brow, knowing I had gotten to the chair in the nick of time!

This was my First reminder of the "Real Blessing" being  in front of me-a husband who knows me better than I do-because he has been the Caregiver-walking right beside me, knowing the signs to look for-me asking for a cold drink, looking for a place to sit, being suddenly very silent, beads of sweat forming on my face and seeing me turning a shade of gray!  As I sat and watched him finish at the check-out line, I thought about this man, my husband, the Blessing he is in my life-him having to sacrifice so much as he watches over me-that thought makes me terribly sad and I feel guilty for having to put him through this, but here we are and as they say, We are in this together, for the long haul!

Little did I know, God had one more moment of awareness for me to witness-I am walking ahead of Matt, asking him if he needs some help to load the groceries in our vehicle-the offer was so Weak, I should have just stayed quiet but he gave me that loving look and said "Martha, you need to open the door, sit down, start the motor up and rest-I will be right there!"  He didn't have to say anything else as I slumped into the seat and knew my body was screaming at me for not respecting all I had been through.

Suddenly I notice an older woman, one hand is heavily bandaged, a neck brace is wrapped around her neck and yet she is trying to find the proper spot to put her empty basket away.  Matt notices and offers to put it up for her-I can't take my eyes from her as I see her look up at my dear husband and there is a look of true gratitude-as if she wanted to say "I don't get help like this and I am very thankful" but I also could see the emotions bubbling to the surface and all she could say was Thank you!

All this time, her husband is sitting in their vehicle, paying no attention to the needs of his wife-almost as if she wasn't there!  There is no attempt made by him to open the door for her as she only had one good hand, no words were spoken to her and she too slumped into her seat, physically drained, a look of deep sadness spread across her face.

Today  I thanked God for blessing my life with my husband-a man who cares, goes beyond his own needs, always looking after me first-making sure all is fine with me!  As we drove out of the parking lot, I touched his hand, telling him "Thank God I have you in my life!"  He gave me a loving smile and we drove away, as I realized all I had to do on this day was simply open my eyes to truly see the Real Blessings God has brought to me!

Pain can block our line of view-its easy to happen because we are so worn down from suffering-but if we will lift our heads just a tiny bit above the Pain-there is always a bit of True Joy for us to see!  Mine came today as I watched my husband reaching out to help a stranger, a person who needed a brief moment of awareness, knowing there is someone out there who cares.

God bless you all-I pray for you each day-if you find a chance to say a simple prayer for me, I know God will hear all the prayers and we will be the better for it.  Martha

Need a day or two of Rest...

I will be headed by to the hospital early tomorrow  for another round of Butt Injections-as my Doctor works
hard to keep this Burning Pain quiet-with the hope it will quietly go away.  Its important that I lay on my good side, keeping all pressure off the injected areas.

So I will be off my Blog for a couple of days and please if you can, I would sure appreciate a prayer or two, asking God to watch over my Doctor, helping to guide her skilled hands as she works to get the needles in the right areas, be with the medical staff that watches over me and please help me to rest and come through this okay!

God bless you all.  Be talking with you again in a few days.  Martha

Sixteen Years of Pain Words-what do they Mean?

After so many years of battling Pain, day in, day out-Words come flying out my mouth, with many of them needing to stay Hid, as I am not proud of them, and they have come on the worst days of Pain!  I sat down and took all my Blogging Posts-working with the Titles to make a list of Pain Words/Descriptions-hoping to see how they all fit together.  Something tells me as I begin to list them, many of the words will catch your eye, reminding you who suffer with Pain that words of this nature have also been with you!  Its not pretty, flattering, delightful to read-but instead are the Cold Words of Pain-yet along the way a few hopeful Words snuck in and the blending is interesting to say the least!  Here we go:

Why me Lord?  Pain is my Constant Companion, Hating Pain, Never having a break from Pain, Trying to Hold On, Pain is taking too much from Me, Searching for Relief, Why must I battle with Insurance People?  Fighting to find some Relief, Pain tearing my Emotions apart, Why does Pain have to be such a Drag?  Walking is no longer an easy thing to do, Forcing myself to Smile around others, Very little Sleep, but lots of Pain!


As I kept reading titles, something was happening-a gradual Change in the words:

Praying without Ceasing, Accepting my Limitations, Finding my Inner Reserve, Looking beyond  Pain to see It in Others,  Life is not Impossible, Educating myself about Pain, Rising Above Pain, I am Still Normal-despite Pain, Its okay to Smile Again, Stopping the desire to  Scream-Running to Prayer instead, Having a Moment of Real Joy, Leaning on Stamina, Being thankful for my ROCK-the one I call "Heh, Husband!"  Looking upward to our Heavenly Father-knowing I am never alone!
Finding moments of Laughter, The Fight with Pain is Not Impossible!


Its easier to see how I have grown through the years, especially when I found the Courage to Blog, reaching out to others and learning I am not the only person who suffers with Pain-the list is too long for counting, but believe me, there are countless "Pain Faces" we never see or think about.  PRAYER is my major battle Tool and I Pray each day for all as they journey through the dark Valley of Chronic Pain.

Sixteen years of Pain-its just a number-but the Words helped me find my motto "Pain Won't Beat Me"
I am not alone in this fight, God walks quietly beside me, helping to lift me up when I fall.  This blessing-I count it as the Best one!  Just know, even when the Pain seems to have over-loaded your body, you are not alone-this Gal from Texas is always praying for you!

God bless all who must walk this Painful Journey.  Martha

Old-time Pain Remedies......

Growing up in the country was never boring for me-it seemed each day held a new adventure-and many of them came with dangerous wounds-no simple knee scrapes but injuries that brought Fear racing among my family-because we lived so far away from any form of emergency care.  We rarely saw a doctor and a hospital seemed like a strange land I was never allowed to enter as children below the age of twelve were not allowed on the floors where patients lay sick.  Yet we did have our share of hospital trips with injuries happening as two brothers decided to have a "Wild West Shoot Out" with BB Guns-being given a harsh warning by my Dad "Now listen, Don't Shoot each others Eyes Out!"  I don't think they heard the warning and a few minutes later, off we rushed to the hospital, and being grateful all was okay.

Today my mind took a "visit back" when Medical treatment for Pain was very different-wounds and cuts were cleaned with water,  I recall a "tube of Medication" my Mom called "Ixiy Oil"  my brain tells me there had to be a different name for it.  She claimed it could cure any injury but it smelled horrible and was a  thick black ointment (perhaps today's version of Antibiotic Ointment) but she made sure to put this on and wrapped us with a make-do bandage.  My parents never told us how tight money was because life on the farm always seemed plentiful-especially on Sunday when we had Fried Chicken-I will leave out How we got the Chicken to the table.

When we were hit with one of the dreaded childhood diseases-Measles, Mumps, Chicken Pox-things took a serious note and I recall getting the Measles, being kept in a very dark room as Mom put some type of Warm  Mixture on my chest-it was the worst part of being sick with this illness because the smell would send everyone running from the room!  As I reflect back on those years, I  can't recall seeing anybody in Chronic Pain-people "toughed it out" and kept going.  My precious Dad was working with Cattle while in the midst of a full blown Appendix attack.  The cattle brought needed income to our family and his priority was to take care of them before he stopped to go see a doctor for the ache in his side.  Thank God he made it to the hospital in time-and was back at work in a matter of days!

There did come one terrible day when I got an early Introduction to Pain-I loved to go with my Dad to feed the Cattle and nothing would stop me. I can still hear his voice "Sister, you better hurry and get some warm clothes on-we are Burning Daylight" (one of his favorite expressions) and while rushing to get dressed, I got tangled in my pants, and fell back against a Hot Burning Wood Stove!  I recall screaming in agony and my Parents told me later the skin on my back had stuck to the stove- they had to pull me away from it.  All I  remember is spending months in bed, being wrapped in tight bandages and  seeing a look of deep worry as My Parents watched over me, I can't imagine the sorrow my Dad went through, seeing his little girl in such Pain and it was a long time before I finally heard him saying "Come on Sister, lets go feed those Cows!"   I gradually healed and forgot the awful Pain from being burned-not knowing how that "Burning Pain" would come back into my life many years later-and God always beside me, giving me the courage to fight through the Burn.

My Joy for this day came as I took a "walk" back in time-thinking about these many adventures of living on a farm, being treated with Old-Time Pain cures and now being so grateful for the tremendous advances made in the Medical Field-I will keep praying more progress is made for the treatment of Chronic Pain.

God bless you.  Martha